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Quotes About Humor

Quotes tagged as "humor" (showing 2,911-2,940 of 3,000)
Kami Garcia
“I'll drive like my grandma. I'll drive like your grandma."
"You wouldn't say that if you knew my gramma.”
Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures

J.K. Rowling
“I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" yelled Uncle Vernon. Hagrid seized his pink umbrella and whirled it over his head "NEVER -" he thundered "- INSULT -ALBUS -DUMBLEDORE - IN - FRONT - OF - ME!”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Fulton J. Sheen
“Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.”
Fulton J. Sheen

Alfred Hitchcock
“The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.”
Alfred Hitchcock

Jarod Kintz
“You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.”
Jarod Kintz, $3.33

L. Frank Baum
“Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.”
L. Frank Baum

Dorothy Parker
“Some men break your heart in two,
Some men fawn and flatter,
Some men never look at you;
And that cleans up the matter.”
Dorothy Parker, Enough Rope

Sherrilyn Kenyon
“I am a socially awkward mandork. (Nick)”
Sherrilyn Kenyon, Infinity

Sarah Rees Brennan
“I'm told I have the body of a god."

"A Greek god, or one of those gods with the horse heads or elephant's legs coming out of their chests?" Alan asked. "Next time someone tells you that, ask them to specify.”
Sarah Rees Brennan, The Demon's Covenant

Stephanie Pearl-McPhee
“...the number one reason knitters knit is because they are so smart that they need knitting to make boring things interesting. Knitters are so compellingly clever that they simply can't tolerate boredom. It takes more to engage and entertain this kind of human, and they need an outlet or they get into trouble.

"...knitters just can't watch TV without doing something else. Knitters just can't wait in line, knitters just can't sit waiting at the doctor's office. Knitters need knitting to add a layer of interest in other, less constructive ways.”
Stephanie Pearl-McPhee

James Patterson
“When are you going to trust me Max?" asked Fang.
"When I go completely bonkers," I laughed.”
James Patterson, The Angel Experiment

Linda Howard
“I'm not holding you against your will; I'm holding you against your car.”
Linda Howard, Mr. Perfect
tags: humor

Edgar Allan Poe
“Mysteries force a man to think, and so injure his health.”
Edgar Allan Poe, Ne Pariez Jamais Votre Tête Au Diable Et Autres Contes Non Traduits Par Baudelaire

David Sedaris
“All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.”
David Sedaris

Aaron Sorkin
“I love writing, but hate starting. The page is awfully white and it says, 'You may have fooled some of the people some of the time but those days are over, Giftless. I'm not your agent and I'm not your mommy: I'm a white piece of paper. You wanna dance with me?' and I really, really don't. I'll go peaceable-like.”
Aaron Sorkin

Colleen Houck
“It’s like this…a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had. But if he had a buffet in front of him, the radish would never be chosen.”
Colleen Houck

Alyxandra Harvey
“Embroidery?" I sucked at embroidery. Aunt Hyacinth had tried to teach me, but we'd both given it up as a lost cause.Lucy, strangely, had picked it up really quickly and embroidered a tapestry of Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow for my last birthday.”
Alyxandra Harvey, My Love Lies Bleeding

D.J. MacHale
“I went to the four levers. None of them were marked. There was only one way to figure out which one was the right one. I had to call upon all my Traveler experience and special powers to figure it out. It's called...Eenie, meenie, miney...mo!"
-Bobby Pendragon”
D.J. MacHale
tags: humor

James Beard
“A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch. ”
James Beard

Sophie Kinsella
“Some things are best left a blur. Births and Visa Bills.”
Sophie Kinsella, Shopaholic & Baby

J.K. Rowling
“This is your copy of Advanced Potion-Making, is it, Potter?”
“Yes,” said Harry, still breathing hard.
“You’re quite sure of that, are you, Potter?”
“Yes,” said Harry, with a touch more defiance.
“This is the copy of Advanced Potion-Making that you purchased from Flourish and Blotts?”
“Yes,” said Harry firmly.
“Then why,” asked Snape, “does it have the name ‘Roonil Wazlib’ written inside the front cover?”
Harry’s heart missed a beat. “That’s my nickname,” he said.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Elizabeth Bowen
“A romantic man often feels more uplifted with two women than with one: his love seems to hit the ideal mark somewhere between two different faces.”
Elizabeth Bowen, The Death of the Heart

Brandon Mull
“The society killed Kendra."
...
Don't mention it to Verl. He might dive into a chasm.”
Brandon Mull

Jean Kerr
“Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze? ”
Jean Kerr

Dave Barry
“If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.”
Dave Barry

Tina Fey
“And I can see Russia from my house.”
Tina Fey

Cassandra Clare
“I adore Wilkie Collins,” Tessa cried. “Oh—Armadale! And The Woman in White …
Are you laughing at me?”
“Not at you,” said Will, grinning, “more because of you. I’ve never seen anyone get so
excited over books before. You’d think they were diamonds.”
“Well, they are, aren’t they? Isn’t there anything you love like that? And don’t say ‘spats’ or ‘lawn tennis’ or something silly.”
“Good Lord,” he said with mock horror, “it’s like she knows me already.”
Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel

Raymond Chandler
“I was neat, clean, shaved and sober and I didn't care who knew it.”
Raymond Chandler
tags: humor

Laurell K. Hamilton
“That disapproving look was back in her eyes. Her teacher face. The one that could make you squirm from ten paces, even if you were innocent. And I hadn't been innocent for years.”
Laurell K. Hamilton, Circus of the Damned

Jarod Kintz
“His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.”
Jarod Kintz, $3.33

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