Quotes About Humor

Quotes tagged as "humor" (showing 2,911-2,940 of 3,000)
Cassandra Clare
“No. Absolutely not.'
'Simon,' she said. 'It’s a perfectly fine plan.'
'The plan where you follow Jace and Sebastian off to some unknown dimensional pocket and we use these rings to communicate so those of us over here in the regular dimension of Earth can track you down? That plan?'
'Yes.'
'No,' he said. 'No, it isn’t.'
Clary sat back. 'You don’t just get to say no.'
'This plan involves me! I get to say no! No.'
'Simon—'
Simon patted the seat beside him as if someone were sitting there. 'Let me introduce you to my good friend No.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls

Jim Butcher
“I think that men ought to treat women like something other than weaker men with breasts.”
Jim Butcher, Storm Front

George Carlin
“Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

Marquis de Sade
“Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff?”
Marquis de Sade

Kami Garcia
“I wanted to stay this way forever.
Which, it turns out, was exactly five more minutes.”
Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures

Jim Butcher
“Age is always advancing and I'm fairly sure it's up to no good.”
Jim Butcher, White Night

Jim Butcher
“Nobody can be bad at everything. There’s no such thing as a perfect screwup.”
Jim Butcher, Mean Streets

Tamora Pierce
“Alanna: All I know is that I'm to jump when I'm told and I have no free time.”
Tamora Pierce, Alanna: The First Adventure

Morrissey
“How can anybody say they know how I feel? The only one around here who is me, is ME.”
Morrissey

J.K. Rowling
“I know how to use a fellytone now.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Pseudonymous Bosch
“*Appendix usually means "small outgrowth from large intestine," but in this case it means "additional information accompanying main text." Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.”
Pseudonymous Bosch, The Name of This Book Is Secret

Tallulah Bankhead
“Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.”
Tallulah Bankhead

Jim Butcher
“Bite me, faerie fruitcake.”
Jim Butcher, Summer Knight

Laini Taylor
“Anyone who takes on my sister," he had postured once, all puffed-out bravado, "will have to deal with ...my sister." And then he'd dived behind her and cowered.”
Laini Taylor, Dreams of Gods & Monsters
tags: humor

Bill Maher
“There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results."... Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic. ...

...Other symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia are: Do you see things that aren't there? Such as a link between 9/11 and Iraq? Do you - do you feel things that you shouldn't be feeling, like a sense of accomplishment? Do you have trouble organizing words into a coherent sentence? Do you hear voices that aren't really there? Like, oh, I don't know, your imaginary friend, Jesus? Telling you to start a war in the Middle East.

Well, guess what? There are a large number of people out there also suffering from the same delusions, because there are Republicans, there are conservatives, and then there are the Bushies. This is the 29 percent of Americans who still think he's doing "a heck of a job, Whitey." And I don't believe that it's coincidence that almost the same number of Americans - 25 percent - told a recent pollster that they believe that this year - this year, 2007 - would bring the Second Coming of Christ!

I have a hunch these are the same people. Because, if you think that you're going to meet Jesus before they cancel "Ugly Betty," then you're used to doing things by faith. And if you have so much blind faith that you think this war is winnable, you're nuts and you shouldn't be allowed near a voting booth.”
Bill Maher

George Carlin
“I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.”
George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

Tsugumi Ohba
“Mogi: Greg Parker left the hideout a while ago and bought a large amount of food. He's heading back to the hideout now. And I've been able to ascertain that he purchased multiple boxes of the same brand chocolate.

Aizowa: That clinches it.

Ide: It feels a little strange that chocolate is the deciding factor here.”
Tsugumi Ohba, Death Note, Vol. 9: Contact

Gordon B. Hinckley
“All writers should be put in a box and thrown in the sea.”
Gordon B. Hinckley

Jasper Fforde
“Literary detection and firearms don't really go hand in hand; pen mighter than the sword and so forth. ”
Jasper Fforde, The Eyre Affair

Kristin Hannah
“This is the problem with forever friends. They know too much.”
Kristin Hannah, Firefly Lane
tags: humor

Al-Maʿarri
“The inhabitants of the earth are of two sorts: those with brains, but no religion, and those with religion, but no brains.”
Al-Maʿarri

Jeaniene Frost
“Bring me liquor, Bones, fast, to take my foot out of my mouth.

Cat to Bones”
Jeaniene Frost

“About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him -- which I assumed was wildly out of his control -- that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he has kissed me.”
The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody
tags: humor

Natsuki Takaya
“Hatori: "SHIGURE... I WILL TELL EVERYONE IN THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT YOU, STARTING FROM WHEN YOU WERE FOUR YEARS OLD..."

Shigure: "Sorry, Tohru-kun. My lips are sealed!”
Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket, Vol. 2
tags: humor

Bill Watterson
“But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!”
Bill Watterson, The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
tags: humor

J.D. Robb
“Eve: “If you ended up naked and dead with another woman, I'd do the Rumba on your corpse.”
Roarke: “You can't do the Rumba.”
Eve: “I'd take lessons first.”

Roarke: “You might very well. Not that you'll ever get the chance, but you'd also grieve.”
Eve: “Wouldn't give you the satisfaction. You cheating f-wit putz. "

Roarke: “You'd weep in the dark and call my name.”
Eve: “Call your name alright. How are things in hell? You dickless bastard. And I'd laugh and laugh, that's how I''d call your name.”
Roarke: “Christ Jesus Eve, I love you.”

--Eve, Roarke”
J.D. Robb, Divided in Death

Lisa Mantchev
“The only reason I'm friends with any of you is because I outgrew the von Trapps, one annoying Austrian at a time.”
Lisa Mantchev, Eyes Like Stars

Lisi Harrison
“EH.MA.GAWD.”
Lisi Harrison
tags: humor

Jim Butcher
“Have you ever been approached by a grim-looking man, carrying a naked sword with a blade about ten miles long in his hand, in the middle of the night, beneath the stars on the shores of Lake Michigan? If you have, seek professional help. If you have not, then believe you me, it can scare the bejeezus out of you.”
Jim Butcher, Storm Front

Molly Harper
“Not to be rude, but it was all pointless," I noted from across the room. Four eyes narrowed at me. "What? I said 'not to be rude'. That's like saying 'God bless them' right after you say bad things about someone. It means it doesn't count!”
Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Live Forever

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