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Quotes About Humor

Quotes tagged as "humor" (showing 151-180 of 3,000)
Winston S. Churchill
“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”
Winston S. Churchill

Becca Fitzpatrick
“You possess other people's...bodies."

He accepted that statement with a nod.

"Do you want to possess my body?"

"I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that's not one of them.”
Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush

George Carlin
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
George Carlin

J.K. Rowling
“He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though...keep up with my news...check if I'm happy...”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Cassandra Clare
“I'll just have them change the entry in the demonology textbook from 'almost extinct' to 'not extinct enough for Alec. He prefers his monsters really, really extinct.' Will that make you happy?”
Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

Cassandra Clare
“Your friend's poetry is terrible," he said.
Clary blinked, caught momentarily off guard. "What?"
"I said his poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Christopher Paolini
“Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention.”
Christopher Paolini

Charles M. Schulz
“What's the good of living if you don't try a few things?”
Charles M. Schulz

Terry Pratchett
“Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.”
Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

Mark Twain
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
Mark Twain

Madonna
“I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.”
Madonna

Cassandra Clare
“It's not gray," Clary felt compelled to point out. "It's green."
"If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you'd have died in childhood," said Jace.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Orson Welles
“Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.”
Orson Welles

Dr. Seuss
“I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!”
Dr. Seuss, Horton Hatches the Egg

J.K. Rowling
“Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Mae West
“I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.”
Mae West

Rick Riordan
“The real story of the Fleece: there were these two children of Zeus, Cadmus and Europa, okay? They were about to get offered up as human sacrifices, when they prayed to Zeus to save them. So Zeus sent this magical flying ram with golden wool, which picked them up in Greece and carried them all the way to Colchis in Asia Minor. Well, actually it carried Cadmus. Europa fell off and died along the way, but that's not important."
"It was probably important to her.”
Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

J.K. Rowling
“Why were you lurking under our window?"
"Yes - yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?"
"Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
"Listening to the news! Again?"
"Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Dorothy Parker
“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”
Dorothy Parker

Cassandra Clare
“A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Rick Riordan
“In a way, it's nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you're walking away from a bus that's just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it's raining on top of everything else, most people might think that's just really bad luck; when you're a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day.”
Rick Riordan, The Titan's Curse

Phyllis Diller
“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
Phyllis Diller

George Carlin
“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
George Carlin

Cassandra Clare
“My rapier wit hides my inner pain.”
Cassandra Clare

Douglas Adams
“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Cassandra Clare
“I don't want tea," said Clary, with muffled force. "I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them."
"Unfortunately," said Hodge, "we're all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it's either tea or nothing.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Charles Lamb
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
Charles Lamb

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

Karen Marie Moning
“I love books, by the way, way more than movies. Movies tell you what to think. A good book lets you choose a few thoughts for yourself. Movies show you the pink house. A good book tells you there's a pink house and lets you paint some of the finishing touches, maybe choose the roof style,park your own car out front. My imagination has always topped anything a movie could come up with. Case in point, those darned Harry Potter movies. That was so not what that part-Veela-chick, Fleur Delacour, looked like.”
Karen Marie Moning, Darkfever

Jay McInerney
“The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families.”
Jay McInerney, The Last of the Savages

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