Quotes About Humor

Quotes tagged as "humor" (showing 301-330 of 3,000)
George Carlin
“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
George Carlin

Woody Allen
“To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.”
Woody Allen

Cornelia Funke
“So what? All writers are lunatics!”
Cornelia Funke, Inkspell

Albert Einstein
“If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.”
Albert Einstein

George Carlin
“People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'

If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.

They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'

So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

J.K. Rowling
“For instance, this new idea that You-Know-Who can kill with a single glance from his eyes. That’s a basilisk, listeners. One simple test: Check whether the thing that’s glaring at you has got legs. If it has, it’s safe to look into its eyes, although if it really is You-Know-Who, that’s still likely to be the last thing you ever do.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

James Patterson
“Man, you weigh a freaking ton," he told me. "What've you been eating, rocks?"
"Why, is your head missing some?" I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that's when I knew how upset he'd been”
James Patterson, The Angel Experiment

Carolyn G. Heilbrun
“A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.”
Carolyn G. Heilbrun

Richelle Mead
“Takes a lot of tries before you hit perfection." He paused to reconsider that. "Well, except for my parents. They got it on the first try." (Adrian)”
Richelle Mead, Bloodlines

Terry Pratchett
“No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?”
Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

Dr. Seuss
“When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...
...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle.”
Dr. Seuss, Fox in Socks

J.K. Rowling
“Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you..."
"Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" said Harry sarcastically.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Rick Riordan
“She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.”
Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief

Charles M. Schulz
“I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it.”
Charles M. Schulz

Marilyn Monroe
“What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course”
Marilyn Monroe

Lily Tomlin
“The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”
Lily Tomlin

Mark Twain
“A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”
Mark Twain

Garrison Keillor
“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.”
Garrison Keillor

Lady Gaga
“I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.”
Lady Gaga

Brandon Sanderson
“You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.

It's really funny.”
Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

J.K. Rowling
“We did it, we bashed them wee Potter's the one, and Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Shel Silverstein
“The Little Boy and the Old Man

Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."
Said the old man, "I do that too."
The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."
I do that too," laughed the little old man.
Said the little boy, "I often cry."
The old man nodded, "So do I."
But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems
Grown-ups don't pay attention to me."
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
I know what you mean," said the little old man.”
Shel Silverstein

F. Scott Fitzgerald
“They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

Cassandra Clare
“Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Cassandra Clare
“Is this Clarissa Fray?" The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.
Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. "Yeees?"
"Hi, I'm one of the knife-carrying hooligans you met last night in Pandemonium? I"m afraid I made a bad impression and was hoping you'd give me a chance to make it up to-"
"SIMON!" Clary held the phone away from her ear as he cracked up laughing. "That is so not funny!"
"Sure it is. You just don't see the humor."
"Jerk." Clary sighed, leaning up against the wall.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Richelle Mead
“You know what would help?" I asked, not meeting his eyes.

"Hmm?"

"If you turned off this crap music and put on something that came out after the Berlin Wall went down."

Dimitri laughted. "Your worst class is history, yet somehow, you know everything about Eastern Europe."

"Hey, gotta have material for my jokes, Comrade." Still smiling, he turned the radio dail. To a country station.

"Hey! This isn't what I had in mind," I exclaimed. I could tell he was on the verge of laughing again.

"Pick. It's one or the other."

I sighed. "Go back to the 1980s stuff."

He flipped the dail, and I crossed my arms over my chest as some vaguely European-sounding band sang about how video had killed the radio star. I wished someone would kill this radio.”
Richelle Mead, Frostbite

Cassandra Clare
“I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

David Sedaris
“Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.”
David Sedaris, When You Are Engulfed in Flames

Suzanne Collins
“I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite. ”
Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

E. Nesbit
“There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read—unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.”
E. Nesbit, The Magic World

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