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Quotes About Humor

Quotes tagged as "humor" (showing 301-330 of 3,000)
Carolyn G. Heilbrun
“A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.”
Carolyn G. Heilbrun

Lemony Snicket
“If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of, "Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm!”
Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

Terry Pratchett
“Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.”
Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

Charles M. Schulz
“I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it.”
Charles M. Schulz

J.K. Rowling
“Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you..."
"Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" said Harry sarcastically.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Christopher Paolini
“People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.”
Christopher Paolini, Eragon

Jim Butcher
“Are you always a smartass?'

Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.”
Jim Butcher, Blood Rites

Albert Einstein
“If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.”
Albert Einstein

Stephenie Meyer
“Life sucks, and then you die...”
Stephenie Meyer, Breaking Dawn

J.K. Rowling
“We did it, we bashed them wee Potter's the one, and Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Lady Gaga
“I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.”
Lady Gaga

Janet Evanovich
“Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head."
Eddie DeChooch”
Janet Evanovich, Seven Up

George Carlin
“People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'

If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.

They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'

So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

Cassandra Clare
“Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

George Carlin
“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
George Carlin

Mark Twain
“A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”
Mark Twain

D.J. MacHale
“There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)”
D.J. MacHale, The Quillan Games

Terry Pratchett
“God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”
Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

Tom Robbins
“Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.”
Tom Robbins

Terry Pratchett
“No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?”
Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

Dorothy Parker
Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.”
Dorothy Parker, Enough Rope

Cassandra Clare
“I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

Stephenie Meyer
“You nicked-named my daughter after the Lock Ness Monster!”
Stephenie Meyer, Breaking Dawn

Rick Riordan
“We only came close to dying six or seven times, which I thought was pretty good. Once, I lost my grip and found myself dangling by one hand from a ledge fifty feet above the rocky surf. But I found another handhold and kept climbing. A minute later Annabeth hit a slippery patch of moss and her foot slipped. Fortunately, she found something else to put it against. Unfortunately, that something was my face.
"Sorry," she murrmured.
"S'okay," I grunted, though I'd never really wanted to know what Annabeth's sneaker tasted like.”
Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

John Green
“Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . . . well.”
John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

John Green
“As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.”
John Green, Paper Towns

Jeaniene Frost
“Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.” (Bones)”
Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave

Cassandra Clare
“Aren’t they supposed to be hiring someone else to train me full-time anyway?”
“Yes,” he said, getting up and pulling her to her feet along with him,“ and I’m worried that if you get into the habit of making out with your instructors, you’ll wind up making out with him, too.”
“ Don’t be sexist. They could find me a female instructor.”
“In that case you have my permission to make out with her, as long as I can watch.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

Joseph Heller
“Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.”
Joseph Heller

Steven Moffat
“People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.”
Steven Moffat

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