Quotes About Humor

Quotes tagged as "humor" (showing 61-90 of 3,000)
Laurie Halse Anderson
“THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. We are here to help you.
2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.
3. The dress code will be enforced.
4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.
5. Our football team will win the championship this year.
6. We expect more of you here.
7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.
8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.
9. Your locker combination is private.
10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.

TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.
2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.
3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.
4. The new text books will arrive any day now.
5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.
6. We are enforcing the dress code.
7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.
8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.
9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.
10. We want to hear what you have to say.”
Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

Jerome K. Jerome
“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
Jerome K. Jerome

Cassandra Clare
“Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane."
"They didn't," Magnus said. "Your wards are down."
"Really?" the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed."
Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you." He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

George Carlin
“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
George Carlin

John Green
“What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”
John Green, Looking for Alaska

Cassandra Clare
“Well, I’m not kissing the mundane," said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot."
"Forever?" said Simon. "Forever’s an awfully long time."
Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it," he said. "You want to kiss me, don’t you?”
Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

Stephen King
“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.”
Stephen King, Storm of the Century: An Original Screenplay

Henry Ward Beecher
“Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?”
Henry Ward Beecher

Douglas Adams
“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”
Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Albert Einstein
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
Albert Einstein

Bertrand Russell
“There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.”
Bertrand Russell

Mae West
“I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.”
Mae West

W.C. Fields
“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
W.C. Fields

Mark Twain
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

Charles M. Schulz
“Happiness is a warm puppy.”
Charles M. Schulz

Friedrich Nietzsche
“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”
Friedrich Nietzsche

Woody Allen
“I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
Woody Allen

Roald Dahl
“So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books.”
Roald Dahl, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Dr. Seuss
“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”
Dr. Seuss

Cassandra Clare
“That does it," said Jace. "I'm going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year."
"Why?" Isabelle said.
"So you can look up 'fun.' I'm not sure you know what it means.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
Anthony G. Oettinger

Edgar Allan Poe
“I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.”
Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia

Mark Twain
“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.”
Mark Twain

Maya Angelou
“I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.”
Maya Angelou

J.K. Rowling
“Percy wouldn't notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby's hats.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

George Carlin
“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”
George Carlin

Terry Pratchett
“It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.”
Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent

Isaac Asimov
“Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.”
Isaac Asimov, Foundation

Winston S. Churchill
“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”
Winston S. Churchill

Oscar Wilde
“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”
Oscar Wilde

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