Quotes About Humor

Quotes tagged as "humor" (showing 1,351-1,380 of 3,000)
Sherrilyn Kenyon
“Kat laughed. 'Who wants to live forever?'
Kish put his hand up. 'For the record, I do.'
Sin scowled at him. 'Then why do you irritate me so often?'
Suicidal tendencies are inherent in my species?”
Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry

Spider Robinson
“Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me...only he's an imbecile.”
Spider Robinson, Off the Wall at Callahan's

Douglas MacArthur
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
Douglas MacArthur

Douglas Adams
“Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was.

"Is there any tea on this spaceship?" he asked.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Cassandra Clare
“He looked back at her, and when she saw the look on his face, she saw his eyes at Renwick’s, when he had watched the Portal that separated him from his home shatter into a thousand irretrievable pieces. He held her gaze for a split second, then looked away from her, the muscles in his throat working. ”
Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

William Faulkner
“It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work. ”
William Faulkner

Orson Scott Card
“Peter, you're twelve years old. I'm ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice.”
Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game

A.A. Milne
“But Piglet is so small that he slips into a pocket, where it is very comfortable to feel him when you are not quite sure whether twice seven is twelve or twenty-two.”
A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Ogden Nash
“You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.”
Ogden Nash

Richelle Mead
“I sent a quick text to Adrian: I have a hickey! You can’t ever kiss me again. I honestly hadn’t expected him to be awake this early, so I was surprised to get a response: Okay. I won’t kiss you on your neck again.

So typical of him. No! You can’t ever kiss me ANYWHERE. You said you were going to keep your distance.

I’m trying, he wrote back. But you won’t keep your distance from me.

I didn’t dignify that with a response.”
Richelle Mead, The Indigo Spell

Anna Banks
“Basically, everyone thinks--knows--how sweet I am.

Emma, you threw my sister through hurricane-proof glass.”
Anna Banks, Of Poseidon

Ellen DeGeneres
“What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger.

Now we answer, “What happened? Is someone tied up in the old sawmill?”

“No, it’s Becky. I just called to say hi.”

“Well you scared me half to death. You can’t just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don’t the tips of your fingers work?”
Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding

Steven Wright
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
Steven Wright

Carlos Ruiz Zafón
“Man...heats up like a lightbulb: red hot in the twinkling of an eye and cold again in a flash. The female, on the other hand...heats up like an iron. Slowly, over a low heat, like tasty stew. But then, once she has heated up, there's no stopping her.”
Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind

Bill Hicks
“Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!”
Bill Hicks

René Descartes
“Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.”
René Descartes

Henry Ford
“Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.”
Henry Ford

A.A. Milne
“No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake, and they don't Think.”
A.A. Milne, The House at Pooh Corner

Jeaniene Frost
“Usually my form of turning someone down was shoving a stake through his heart while smirking, Gotcha!”
Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

Kristin Cashore
“Katsa and Po were trying to drown each other and, judging from their hoots of laughter, enjoying it immensely.”
Kristin Cashore, Bitterblue

Erma Bombeck
“Housework can kill you if done right.”
Erma Bombeck

Douglas Adams
“Exactly!" said Deep Thought. "So once you do know what the question actually is, you'll know what the answer means.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Darynda Jones
“There is a great need for a sarcasm font.”
Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

Cherise Sinclair
“Gabi to Marcus "I can't believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!”
Cherise Sinclair, Make Me, Sir

Stephanie Perkins
“What...what about when I'm married?”
“We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits.”
Stephanie Perkins, Lola and the Boy Next Door

Helen Gurley Brown
“good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere”
Helen Gurley Brown

Tina Fey
“Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.”
Tina Fey, Bossypants

Megan Whalen Turner
“I am not sure I trust you."
"You can trust me with your life, My King."
"But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back.”
Megan Whalen Turner, The King of Attolia

Cassandra Clare
“I like ducks." Jem observed diplomatically. "Esspecially the ones in Hyde Park." He glanced side ways at Will; both boys were sitting at the edge of a high table, thier legs dangling over the side. "Remember when you tried to convince me to feed pultry pie the the mallards in the park to see if you couls breed a race of cannibal ducks?"
"They ate it too," Will reminisced. "Bloodthirsty little beasts. Never trust a duck.”
Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel

Michelle Hodkin
“Have you made any other friends since we've been here?"
I gave him the death stare. "Yes, actually."
"Who? I want a name."
"Jamie Roth."
"The Ebola kid? I heard he's a little unstable."
"That was one incident.”
Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

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