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Quotes About Funny

Quotes tagged as "funny" (showing 91-120 of 3,000)
Will Rogers
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers

Jarod Kintz
“I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

Mae West
“Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.”
Mae West

Cassandra Clare
“Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

Rodney Dangerfield
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”
Rodney Dangerfield

Jarod Kintz
“I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

Jarod Kintz
“Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

Jarod Kintz
“I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

Confucius
“The funniest people are the saddest once”
Confucius

Rachel Caine
“Want to play baseball?’” she asked. Shane’s eyes opened, and he stopped stroking her hair. “What?’” “First base,’” she said. “You’re already there.’” “I’m not running the bases.’” “Well, you could at least steal second.’” “Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it.”
Rachel Caine, The Dead Girls' Dance

James Dashner
“You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!”
James Dashner, The Maze Runner

Jarod Kintz
“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”
Jarod Kintz, I Want

Jarod Kintz
“I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time." What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

Jarod Kintz
“I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

John Green
“We were kissing.
I thought: This is good.
I thought: I am not bad at this kissing. Not bad at all.
I thought: I am clearly the greatest kisser in the history of the universe.
Suddenly she laughed and pulled away from me. She wiggled a hand out of her sleeping bag and wiped her face. "You slobbered on my nose," she said, and laughed”
John Green, Looking for Alaska

Richelle Mead
“Adrian, I'm on a date. Why are you here? On my car?”
Richelle Mead, The Golden Lily

Bill Watterson
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson

George Carlin
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin

William Shakespeare
“I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases,
heal'd by the same means, warm'd and cool'd by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is?

If you prick us, do we not bleed? If
you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die?

And if you wrong us, do we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.”
William Shakespeare

Jarod Kintz
“The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.”
Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

Jarod Kintz
“I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.”
Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

Rachel Vincent
“The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.”
Rachel Vincent, Stray

Jarod Kintz
“Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.”
Jarod Kintz, $3.33

Woody Allen
“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”
Woody Allen

Jarod Kintz
“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.”
Jarod Kintz, $3.33

Jarod Kintz
“I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.”
Jarod Kintz, I Want

J.K. Rowling
“The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up"
"There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly...."My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!"
"And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Jarod Kintz
“The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.
”
Jarod Kintz, $3.33

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