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Quotes About Humour

Quotes tagged as "humour" (showing 31-60 of 3,000)
James Patterson
“Vhat ozzer abilities do you haf?" ter Borcht snapped, which his assistant waited, pen in hand.
Gazzy thought. "I have X-ray vision," he said. He peered at ter Borcht's chest, then blinked and looked alarmed.
Ter Borcht was startled for a second, but then he frowned. "Don't write dat down," he told his assistant in irritation. The assistant froze in midsentence.
"You. Do you haf any qualities dat distinguish you in any way?"
Nudge chewed on a fingernail. "You mean, like, besides the WINGS?" She shook her shoulders gently, and her beautiful fawn-colored wings unfolded a bit.
His face flushed, and I felt like cheering. "Yes," he said stiffly. "Besides de vings."
"Hmm. Besides de vings." Nudge tapped one finger against her chin. "Um..." Her face brightened. "I once ate nine Snickers bars in one sitting. Without barfing. That was a record!"
"Hardly a special talent," ter Borcht said witheringly.
Nudge was offended. "Yeah? Let's see YOU do it."
...
"I vill now eat nine Snickers bars," Gazzy said in a perfect, creepy imitation of ter Borcht's voice, "visout bahfing."
Iggy rubbed his forehead with one hand. "Well, I have a highly developed sense of irony."
Ter Borcht tsked. "You are a liability to your group. I assume you alvays hold on to someone's shirt, yes? Following dem closely?"
"Only when I'm trying to steal their dessert"
...Fang pretended to think, gazing up at the ceiling. "Besides my fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica."
"I vill now destroy de Snickuhs bahrs!" Gazzy barked.”
James Patterson

Jess C. Scott
“Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.

Good things come to those who wait.”
Jess C. Scott, The Intern

Ally Carter
“the only way Bex would miss this would be if she were unconscious. And tied up. And in a concrete bunker. In Siberia.”
Ally Carter, Don't Judge a Girl by Her Cover

Bill Hicks
“Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.”
Bill Hicks

Terry Pratchett
“I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel.”
Terry Pratchett

Elbert Hubbard
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
Elbert Hubbard

Veronica Roth
“You're not very nice," I say, grinning.
"You're one to talk."
"Hey, I could be nice if I tried."
"Hmm." He taps his chin. "Say something nice, then."
"You're very good-looking."
He smiles, his teeth a flash in this dark. "I like this 'nice' thing.”
Veronica Roth, Allegiant

C. JoyBell C.
“I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!”
C. JoyBell C.

Rodney Dangerfield
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”
Rodney Dangerfield

Fernando Pessoa
“No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it”
Fernando Pessoa

Michelle Hodkin
“Asscrown," I muttered under my breath as I headed to my next class. I wasn't proud of swearing at a complete stranger, no. but he started it.

Noah matched my pace. "Don't you mean 'assclown'?" He looked amused.

"No," I said, louder this time. "I mean asscrown. The crown on top of the asshat that covers the asshole of the assclown. The very zenith in the hierarchy of asses," I said, as though I was reading from a dictionary of modern profanity.

"I guess you nailed me then.”
Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

Terry Pratchett
“If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards!”
Terry Pratchett, The Color of Magic

Simone Elkeles
“Fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class - Hope your surgery went well!”
Simone Elkeles, Rules of Attraction

Woody Allen
“I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.”
Woody Allen, Annie Hall: Screenplay

Joss Whedon
“There's a time and place for everything, and I believe it’s called 'fan fiction'.”
Joss Whedon

Christopher Hitchens
“Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.”
Christopher Hitchens

Orson Scott Card
“Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."
Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"
Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.”
Orson Scott Card

Darynda Jones
“Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt”
Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

Blaise Pascal
“All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
Blaise Pascal, Pensées

Douglas Coupland
“I don't deserve a soul, yet I still have one. I know because it hurts.”
Douglas Coupland, The Gum Thief

Becca Fitzpatrick
“What was up with class today? It was watered-down porn. He practically had you and Patch on top of your lab table, horizontal, minus your clothes, doing the Big Deed.”
Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush

Joss Whedon
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled by and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SHOW. I totally shoulda took the road that had all those people on it. Damn.”
Joss Whedon

Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez
“my heart has more rooms in it than a whore house”
Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

Mark Twain
“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.”
Mark Twain

Ilona Andrews
“Not only will you sleep with me, but you will say 'please.'"
I stared at him, shocked.
The smile widened. "You will say 'please' before and 'thank you' after."
Nervous laughter bubbled up. "You've gone insane. All that peroxide in your hair finally did your brain in, Goldilocks.”
Ilona Andrews, Magic Burns

Laurell K. Hamilton
“When in doubt, ignore and be horribly unimpressed”
Laurell K. Hamilton

Oscar Wilde
“The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.”
Oscar Wilde, The Artist as Critic: Critical Writings of Oscar Wilde

Peter Ustinov
“I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.”
Peter Ustinov

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