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Quotes About Humor

Quotes tagged as "humor" (showing 31-60 of 3,000)
Albert Einstein
“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources”
Albert Einstein

Lewis Carroll
“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

J.K. Rowling
“Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?"
"Yes," said Harry stiffly.
"Yes, sir."
"There's no need to call me "sir" Professor."
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Rita Mae Brown
“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.”
Rita Mae Brown

Cassandra Clare
“Jesus!" Luke exclaimed.
"Actually, it's just me," said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling.”
Cassandra Clare

Cassandra Clare
“I don't want to be a man," said Jace. "I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead."
"Well," said Luke, "you're doing a fantastic job.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

Chuck Palahniuk
“All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

John Wayne
“Life's hard. It's even harder when you're stupid.”
John Wayne

Terry Pratchett
“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”
Terry Pratchett, Jingo

Douglas Adams
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”
Douglas Adams

Thomas Stephen Szasz
“Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.”
Thomas Stephen Szasz

Oscar Levant
“There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
Oscar Levant

Groucho Marx
“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”
Groucho Marx

J.K. Rowling
“He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

J.K. Rowling
“Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Albert Einstein
“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”
Albert Einstein

Lemony Snicket
“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.”
Lemony Snicket

Terry Pratchett
“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.”
Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time

Chris Rock
“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
Chris Rock

J.K. Rowling
“Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again.
"So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking...”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Billy Sunday
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
Billy Sunday, Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words Which Have Won Thousands for Christ

E.B. White
“If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”
E.B. White

Albert Einstein
“Never memorize something that you can look up.”
Albert Einstein

Mark Twain
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
Mark Twain

J.K. Rowling
“Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?"
"Yes."
"You called her a liar?"
"Yes."
"You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?"
"Yes."
"Have a biscuit, Potter.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Mark Twain
“Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”
Mark Twain

Jane Austen
“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
Jane Austen, Jane Austen's Letters

Cassandra Clare
“It means 'Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234'.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Cassandra Clare
“Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you’d get dressed up in a nurse’s outfit and give me a sponge bath?" asked Jace.
"It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath."
"As soon as I’m back on my feet, handsome," said Simon.
"I knew we should have left you a rat.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Laurie Halse Anderson
“THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. We are here to help you.
2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.
3. The dress code will be enforced.
4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.
5. Our football team will win the championship this year.
6. We expect more of you here.
7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.
8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.
9. Your locker combination is private.
10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.

TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.
2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.
3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.
4. The new text books will arrive any day now.
5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.
6. We are enforcing the dress code.
7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.
8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.
9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.
10. We want to hear what you have to say.”
Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

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