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Quotes About Humor

Quotes tagged as "humor" (showing 61-90 of 3,000)
Jerome K. Jerome
“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
Jerome K. Jerome

Rick Riordan
“Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can."
Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?"
Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?"
"Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries."
Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom."
...
I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. "I do not understand."
"I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said.
"And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam t-shirt.”
Rick Riordan, The Titan's Curse

John Green
“What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”
John Green, Looking for Alaska

Cassandra Clare
“Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane."
"They didn't," Magnus said. "Your wards are down."
"Really?" the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed."
Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you." He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

Mae West
“I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.”
Mae West

Cassandra Clare
“Well, I’m not kissing the mundane," said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot."
"Forever?" said Simon. "Forever’s an awfully long time."
Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it," he said. "You want to kiss me, don’t you?”
Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

Henry Ward Beecher
“Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?”
Henry Ward Beecher

Stephen King
“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.”
Stephen King, Storm of the Century: An Original Screenplay

Douglas Adams
“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”
Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Bertrand Russell
“There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.”
Bertrand Russell

W.C. Fields
“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
W.C. Fields

George Carlin
“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
George Carlin

Albert Einstein
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
Albert Einstein

Charles M. Schulz
“Happiness is a warm puppy.”
Charles M. Schulz

Woody Allen
“I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
Woody Allen

Mark Twain
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

Friedrich Nietzsche
“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”
Friedrich Nietzsche

Dr. Seuss
“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”
Dr. Seuss

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
Anthony G. Oettinger

Roald Dahl
“So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall.”
Roald Dahl

Edgar Allan Poe
“I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.”
Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia

Cassandra Clare
“That does it," said Jace. "I'm going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year."
"Why?" Isabelle said.
"So you can look up 'fun.' I'm not sure you know what it means.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

Mark Twain
“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.”
Mark Twain

Maya Angelou
“I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.”
Maya Angelou

J.K. Rowling
“Percy wouldn't notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby's hats.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

George Carlin
“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”
George Carlin

Winston S. Churchill
“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”
Winston S. Churchill

Oscar Wilde
“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”
Oscar Wilde

Terry Pratchett
“It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.”
Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent

Veronica Roth
“I have something I need to tell you," he says. I run my fingers along the tendons in his hands and look back at him. "I might be in love with you." He smiles a little. "I'm waiting until I'm sure to tell you, though."
"That's sensible of you," I say, smiling too. "We should find some paper so you can make a list or a chart or something."
I feel his laughter against my side, his nose sliding along my jaw, his lips pressing my ear.
"Maybe I'm already sure," he says, "and I just don't want to frighten you."
I laugh a little. "Then you should know better."
"Fine," he says. "Then I love you.”
Veronica Roth, Divergent

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