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Quotes About Funny

Quotes tagged as "funny" (showing 1-30 of 3,000)
Cassandra Clare
“If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Suzanne Collins
“Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”
Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

Chris Rock
“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
Chris Rock

Billy Sunday
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
Billy Sunday, Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words Which Have Won Thousands for Christ

Phyllis Diller
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
Phyllis Diller

John Green
“What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”
John Green, Looking for Alaska

Marilyn Monroe
“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
Marilyn Monroe

George Carlin
“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
George Carlin

Mark Twain
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

Lemony Snicket
“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”
Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

John Green
“They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.”
John Green, Looking for Alaska

Ellen DeGeneres
“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”
Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding

Albert Einstein
“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”
Albert Einstein

Cathy Guisewite
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
Cathy Guisewite

Winston S. Churchill
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston S. Churchill

John Green
“It's not because I want to make out with her."
Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit”
John Green, Looking for Alaska

Jerry Seinfeld
“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”
Jerry Seinfeld

Rodney Dangerfield
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield

Jarod Kintz
“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Golda Meir
“Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”
Golda Meir

Bill Cosby
“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”
Bill Cosby

Yogi Berra
“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.”
Yogi Berra, When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball's Greatest Heroes

George Carlin
“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
George Carlin

Suzanne Collins
“I'm going to wake Peeta," I say.
"No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his."
Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a soft, singsong voice.
His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"
Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.”
Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

Richelle Mead
“Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep.”
Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

Cassandra Clare
“I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me."
"It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

Shel Silverstein
“I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.

My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox.

And there's one more - that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,
It might be the instamatic flu.

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke.
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in.

My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes are cold, my toes are numb,

I have a sliver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,

I think my hair is falling out.

My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,

There's a hole inside my ear.

I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...
What? What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .............. Saturday?

G'bye, I'm going out to play!”
Shel Silverstein

John Green
“Headline?" he asked.
"'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said.
"'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said.
"'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.”
John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Rachel Caine
“Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane”
Rachel Caine, Glass Houses

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