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Quotes About Absurd
Quotes tagged as "absurd"
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“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
“I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
“Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride
“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.”
― Garrison Keillor
― Garrison Keillor
“No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?”
― Terry Pratchett, Night Watch
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?”
― Terry Pratchett, Night Watch
“I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
“I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.”
― Woody Allen
― Woody Allen
“I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called.
”
― Jarod Kintz, This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks
― Jarod Kintz, This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks
“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
“What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
― Jon Stewart
― Jon Stewart
“I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
“I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.
”
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
“It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
“I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can't get to them.”
― Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for others that makes me believe I’d be a good politician.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?”
― Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No.
― Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No.
“When I meet a European, the first thing I say is, “I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing them, and they know I’d really rather watch football than football.
”
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
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