"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."
— Woody Allen

"Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power."
— Oscar Wilde

"The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it."
— Woody Allen

"Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right."
— Woody Allen

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
— Steve Martin

"Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.
Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.
And it always feels good."
— Lora Brody

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
— Woody Allen

"Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
— Woody Allen

"My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Choke)

"Chastity - the most unnatural of all the sexual perversions."
— Aldous Huxley

"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
"
— Joan Rivers

"Sick and perverted always appeals to me."
— Madonna

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
— Barbara Bush

"Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it's more sanitary."
— Robert A. Heinlein

"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
— Matt Groening (Life in Hell 1993-1994 Fun Calendar)

"The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you."
— Woody Allen

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
— Woody Allen

"The function of muscle is to pull and not to push, except in the case of the genitals and the tongue."
— Leonardo da Vinci

"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."
— Woody Allen

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
— George Burns

"Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman."
— Woody Allen

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
— George Burns

"Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn."
— Garrison Keillor

"If a man is highly sexed he's virile.
If a woman is, she's a nymphomaniac.
With them it's power
but with us it's a disease!
Even the act of sex is called penetration!
Why don't they call it enclosure?"
— Gemma Hatchback

"Sexual pleasure is, I agree, a passion to which all others are subordinate but in which they all unite."
— Donatien Alphonse François de Sade (The 120 Days of Sodom and Other Writings)

"We are no guiltier in following the primative impulses that govern us than is the Nile for her floods or the sea for her waves."
— Donatien Alphonse François de Sade (Aline et Valcour)

"The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that it's coming quickly."
— Mel Brooks

"The first two facts which a healthy boy or girl feels about sex are these: first that it is beautiful and then that it is dangerous."
— G.K. Chesterton

"Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble."
— John Barrymore

"What does one want when one is engaged in the sexual act? That everything around you give you its utter attention, think only of you, care only for you...every man wants to be a tyrant when he fornicates."
— Donatien Alphonse François de Sade (Philosophy in the Boudoir)

"Geniuses and supergeniuses always make their own rules about sex as on everything else; they do not accept the monkey customs of their lessers."
— Robert A. Heinlein

"Where do babies come from? Don't bother asking adults. They lie like pigs. However, diligent independent research and hours of playground consultation have yielded fruitful, if tentative, results. There are several theories. Near as we can figure out, it has something to do with acting ridiculous in the dark. We believe it is similar to dogs when they act peculiar and ride each other. This is called "making love". Careful study of popular song lyrics, advertising catch-lines, TV sitcoms, movies, and T-Shirt inscriptions offers us significant clues as to its nature. Apparently it makes grown-ups insipid and insane. Some graffiti was once observed that said "sex is good". All available evidence, however, points to the contrary."
— Matt Groening (Childhood Is Hell)

"'God, I love you so much I won't ever try to have sex again.'"
— Ben Neihart (Burning Girl)

"This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers -- two of them -- on the action, so that he would not overlook it. "Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?" he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. "It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor." "What did people do before 1969?" "Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus."
— Jonathan Safran Foer (Everything Is Illuminated)

"Nakedness has no color: this can come as news only to those who have never covered, or been covered by, another naked human being."
— James Baldwin (No Name in the Street)

"A perverse nature can be stimulated by anything. Any book can be used as a pornographic instrument, even a great work of literature if the mind that so uses it is off-balance. I once found a small boy masturbating in the presence of the Victorian steel-engraving in a family Bible."
— Anthony Burgess (A Clockwork Orange)

"The ability to make love frivolously is the chief characteristic which distinguishes human beings from the beasts."
— Heywood Broun

"If one starts with the anatomical difference, which even a patriarchal Viennese novelist was able to see was destiny, then one begins to understand why men and women don't get on very well within marriage, or indeed in any exclusive sort of long-range sexual relationship. He is designed to make as many babies as possible with as many different women as he can get his hands on, while she is designed to take time off from her busy schedule as astronaut or role model to lay an egg and bring up the result. Male and female are on different sexual tracks, and that cannot be changed by the Book or any book. Since all our natural instincts are carefully perverted from birth, it is no wonder that we tend to be, if not all of us serial killers, killers of our own true nature. "
— Gore Vidal

"Of all sexual abberations, perhaps the most peculiar is chastity."
— Remy de Gourmont

"ya better come inside
when you're ready to
but no chance if ya don't wanna dance
you like four letter words when you're ready to
but then you won't 'cos you know that you can
"
— Def Leppard

"If the truth were known, you are a hundred times more depraved than I am; you would put me to shame if I had any pride."
— Choderlos de Laclos

"In the symphony of love, the lost chord is a small organ lying somewhat north of the vagina."
— Ruth Herschberger (Adam's rib)

"Death never mattered at those times - in the early days I even used to pray for it: the shattering annihilation that would prevent for ever the getting up, the putting on of clothes, the wathchign her torch trail across to the opposite side of the common like the tail-light of a low car driving away."
— Graham Greene (The End of the Affair)

"The clitoris not only applauds when a women flaunts her mastery; it will give a standing ovation. In the multiple orgasm, we see the finest evidence that our lady Klitoris helps those who help themselves. It may take many minutes to reach the first summit, but once there the lusty mountaineer finds wings awaiting her. She does noy need to scramble back to the ground before scaling the next peak, but can glide like a raptor on currents of joy."
— Natalie Angier (Woman : An Intimate Geography)

"The media are so compelling and so filled with sex, they have become our true sex educators."
— from Sex Sells!

"Sex lies at the root of life, and we can never learn to reverence life until we know how to understand sex."
— Havelock Ellis

"Hardly had Juana had time to get settled when there was a clatter in the courtyard. The night sprang into excitement; instructions were shouted, torches brought. And suddenly the doors burst open; suddenly Philip -- hot, handsome, disheveled -- strode in.

Philip was blond and sturdy; the gunpowder-train of Juana's emotions, long and dark and twisting, exploded at last. Philip's eyes must have seen, if nothing else, a girl in virginal flush, a young body of sixteen. He could hardly endure the formal presentations of the nobles. As soon as they were ended, he did what is generally referred to as commanding the nearest cleric to marry them on the spot. This person, however -- the Spaniard don Diego Villaescusa, Dean of Jaen -- it was not in Philip's power to order about. But the fact that it must have been Juana who gave the command only serves to underline the mutuality of their haste and hunger. The Dean did as he was bidden; the ignited youngsters kneeled; Philip hurried Juana out. In a room on the rez de chaussee overlooking the turbulent river they tore off their clothes. Someone had managed to get a gilded crucifix nailed on the ceiling above the bed -- surely one of the unnoticed ornaments (and, as things turned out, one of the most inappropriate) ever put up."
— Townsend Miller