"The music coming from inside sounded like robots fucking. And complaining about it. In rhythmic monotone. European robots."
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"Actually, orcas aren't quite as complex as scientists imagine. Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"No. Never give up. Even in the face of Armageddon."
— --Rorschach, Watchmen, Alan Moore

""Well they're pissed off and they're hungry. I was kind of busy trying not to get my brains eaten. They seemed pretty adamant about the brain-eating thing. Then they're going to IKEA, I guess" "
— Christopher Moore (The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror, Version 2.0)

"...as if someone had thrown a hand grenade into the middle of a teddy bear orgy and the only survivors had had their fur blown off."
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"In order to be able to make it, you have to put aside the fear of failing and the desire of succeeding. You have to do these things completely and purely without fear, without desire. Because things that we do without lust of result are the purest actions we shall ever take."
— Alan Moore

"She gave him the wide, green-eyed expression that she would have described as I will slap you so far into next week that it will take a team of surgeons just to get Wednesday out of your ass."
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

""Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful."
"
— A Walk To Remember

""You want me and I want you. right?"
Who did she think she was? You can't just go around blurting out the truth like a prophet with Tourette's Syndrome. He said, "Well, I guess. Yeah, that's right."
"
— Christopher Moore (Coyote Blue)

""We really have to get going," Sam said. "Can we leave the car here and pick it up later?"
The monk said, "Does a dog have a Buddha nature?"
"Does a fish have a watertight asshole?" said Coyote."
— Christopher Moore (Coyote Blue)

"Love? Sodding, bloody, tossing, bloody, sodding, bloody love? Irrelevant, superfluous, bloody, ruddy, rotten, sodding love? What ho? Wherefore? What the f*ck? Love?"
— Christopher Moore (Fool: A Novel)

""What is your name?" asked Lear.
"Caius," said Kent.
"And whence do you hail?"
"From Bonking, sire."
"Well, yes, lad, as do we all," said Lear, "but from what town?""
— Christopher Moore (Fool: A Novel)

""Which is why you chose to wear that delightful ensemble from the skank-wear collection at Hoes-n-Thangs?" -Tommy"
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

""Do we still have to floss?" Tommy asked. "I mean, what's the point of being immortal if we have to floss?""
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"Inside, I was like: "Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre hunter!""
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"How does paying people more money make you more money?

It works like this. The more you pay your workers, the more they spend. Remember, they're not just your workers- they're your consumers, too. The more they spend their extra cash on your products, the more your profits go up. Also, when employees have enough money that they don't have to live in constant fear of bankruptcy, they're able to focus more on their work- and be more productive. With fewer personal problems and less stress hanging over them, they'll lose less time at work, meaning more profits for you. Pay them enough to afford a late model car (i.e. one that works), and they'll rarely be late for work. And knowing that they'll be able to provide a better life for their children will not only give them a more positive attitude, it'll give them hope- and an incentive to do well for the company because the better the company does, the better they'll do.

Of course, if you're like most corporations these days- announcing mass layoffs right after posting record profits- then you're already hemorrhaging the trust and confidence of your remaining workforce, and your employees are doing their jobs in a state of fear. Productivity will drop. That will hurt sales. You will suffer. Ask the people at Firestone: Ford has alleged that the tire company fired its longtime union employees, then brought in untrained scab workers who ended up making thousands of defective tires- and 203 dead customers later, Firestone is in the toilet."
— Michael Francis Moore (Stupid White Men)

"Like last year I took Advance Foods class (which is like cooking for nerds) after lunch, and so I usually took a nap. Which was fine, because I'm not even thrilled about regular foods, so, you know, what do I need with like advanced digital HD wi-fi foods and whatnot? -Abby"
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

""Alive," Kimi interrupted. "I get you out of typhoon alive and you just yell and say bad things. I quit. You get new navigator. Roberto say you mean, nasty, Chevy-driving, milk-drinking, American dog f*cker."
"I don't drink milk," Tuck said. Ha! Won that round."
— Christopher Moore (Island of the Sequined Love Nun)

"I'm the oldest son of a crazy man, I'm in a cowboy band."
— Bob Dylan

"A hundred brilliant witticisms died suffocating on the captain's heavy glove. Thus muted, I pumped my codpiece at the duke and tried to force a fart, but my bum tumpet could find no note."
— Christopher Moore (Fool: A Novel)

"Next out of the hall came the sisters and their husbands. Before I could say anything, the captain had clamped his hand over my mouth and was lifting me off my feet as I kicked. Cornwall made as to draw his dagger, but Regan pulled him away. "You've just won a kingdom, my duke, killing vermin is a servant's task. Leave the bitter fool stew in his own bile."
She wanted me. It was clear."
— Christopher Moore (Fool: A Novel)

"Soon a whole guild of low-priced shrine keepers around Europe named their own pope - Boldface the Relatively Shameless, Discount Pope of Prague. The price war was on [...] The Retail Pope would offer cheesy bacon toppings on the Host with communion and the Discount Pope would counter with topless nun night for midnight mass."
— Christopher Moore (Fool: A Novel)

""Yo, yo, yo, check it out," said PJ, with enough hand gestures that any deaf person watching would have thought he had ASL Tourette's syndrome"
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"And he was like "The sedative in the blood, blah, blah, four hours, blah, blah, nerdspeak, geektalk -" -Abby"
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"[Author's Notes] As I write this, September 2002, much about the humpback song is still unknown. (Although scientists do know that it tends to be found in the New Age music section, as well as in tropical waters...)"
— Christopher Moore

"[Acknowledgments] I recommend them all for further reading, but when you're finished, you may have to read several of my books and watch a lot of TV just to get stupid enough to function in the modern world again."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"Theophilus Crowe's mobile phone played eight bars of "Tangled Up in Blue" in an irritating electronic voice that sounded like a choir of suffering houseflies, or Jiminy Cricket huffing helium, or, well, you know, Bob Dylan."
— Christopher Moore (The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror, Version 2.0)

"Even a mentally challenged shark would figure out that sea turtles did not wear boxer shorts printed in flying piggies, and no sea turtle would be yattering streams of obscenities between chain-smoker gasps of breath."
— Christopher Moore (Island of the Sequined Love Nun)

"17th 09 09

A CRASH victim, who cheated death after an horrific head-on collision, has paid tribute to the air crew who saved his life.

Lee Moore, aged 23, of Gillingham, is certain he would have died had he not been flown to hospital by the Dorset and Somerset Air Ambulance after sustaining serious head injuries in the high-speed crash on the A357 in September last year. Luckily for Mr Moore, the air ambulance is stationed at nearby Henstridge airfield and quick-thinking paramedics were on the scene almost immediately to administer emergency first aid before rushing him to Dorset County Hospital.

Mr Moore is in no doubt that he owes the crew his life.

He said: "Without the air ambulance, there is not a chance in hell that I would have made it. The whole left side of my face was smashed in and my left eye was hanging out. I can't remember anything about the crash but I do know that if I had been taken to hospital by road, I would not be here today."

On Sunday, almost exactly a year to the day after the crash, Mr Moore met his rescuers at Compton Abbas airfield, along with his father Philip Moore.


Philip, who runs an aircraft servicing business from the airfield, is also a part-time author who has five published books. He has now pledged to donate £2 from every book sold to the air ambulance. Philip, also of Gillingham, said: "When we heard about the accident we thought we had lost him but the air ambulance did an incredible job and I am so grateful to them. Thanks to them, within an hour of the crash Lee had been flown to hospital, operated on, bandaged up and sent to the specialist head injury unit in Southampton. They saved his life."

The incident happened at around 1.15pm on Friday, 12 September 2008, as Mr Moore was driving his Rover 214 while on lunch break from his job at Stalbridge Quarry.

His car was in collision with another vehicle being driven by a 49-year-old woman, with her heavily-pregnant daughter as a passenger. Mr Moore came off worst and had to be cut free from his car. He suffered a fractured skull, a punctured lung, a crushed eye socket and severe abdominal injuries. Much of his scalp was also torn off in the crash. While Mr Moore endures an agonising recovery process, he says his thoughts constantly turn to the air crew that saved him.

He said: "I have this feeling in me that I need to express my gratitude to them for what they did. It is something I really need to do."

NOVEL IDEA: Grateful father Philip Moore, is donating the proceeds from sales of his aviation themed books to the Dorset and Somerset Air Ambulance which saved the life of his son, Lee, after a road accident last year. Picture by Jennie Banks


Philip's new book Kez , a teenage adventure story, can be ordered from most book shops or Amazon.co.uk. For more information, visit his website www.philiplmoore.com
"
— western Gazette

""[...] Y'know, the Duchess Regan is living here at the tower now? I took your advice about not talking about her boffnacity [footnote], even with the duke dead and all, can't be too careful. Although, I caught sight of her in a dressing gown one day she was up on the parapet outside her solar. Fine flanks on that princess, despite the danger of death and all for sayin' so, sir." -Yeomen
"Aye, the lady is fair, and her gadonk as fine as frog fur [...]" -Pocket

footnote: Boffnacity: an expression of shagnatiousness, fit. from the Latin boffusnatious"
— Christopher Moore (Fool: A Novel)

""Not yet!" said she [Goneril], trying to roll me over and get back to smacking my bum.
She honked my codpiece.
"You honked my codpiece."
"Aye, give it up, fool." [...]"
— Christopher Moore (Fool: A Novel)

""I'll not have an exchange with an impudent fool." [Oswald]
"He's not impudent," said Jones [the puppet]. "With proper inspiration, the lad sports a woody as stout as a mooring pin. Ask your lady."
I nodded in agreement with the puppet, for his most wise for having a brain of sawdust.
"Impudent! Impudent! Not impotent!" said Oswald, frothing a bit now."
— Christopher Moore (Fool: A Novel)

""Advice, then, young yeoman: When referring to the king's middle daughter, state that she is fair, speculate that she is pious, but unless you'd like to spend your watch looking for the box where your head is kept, resist the urge to wax ignorant on her naughty bits." -Pocket
"I don't know what that means, sir." -Yeoman
"Speak not of Regan's shaggacity, son" [...] -Pocket"
— Christopher Moore

""My skin cleared up! I don't have a single zit." -Tommy
"Ding, ding, ding," Jody onomatopeed, signaling that Tommy had hit on the correct answer."
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

""So, have you seen Flood?" she asked. "Cop?" She added "cop" with a high pop on the p, like it was a punctuation mark, not a profession"
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"I was all, "Oh, dog, Countess gonna crack open a forty of whup-ass on you now. Oh, you in the sh*t now, wigga!" (I am not incline to use hip-hop vernacular often, but there are times when, like French, it just better expresses the sentiment of the moment.) -Abby"
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"Jody noticed that the kid was focused on the breasts, which were defying gravity, and apparently death itself, by standing there at complete attention"
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

""The problem with the truth is that is pisses a lot of people off who are trying to hide it.""
— Author Sir Shane Moore

"She glanced over her shoulder to look at the forty-foot cabin cruiser where Captain Tarwater posed on the bow looking like an advertisement for a particularly rigid laundry detergent - Bumstick Go-Be-Bright, perhaps"
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

""Ooo ahe-e, I aya oa a," she said in yawnspeak, a language - not unlike Hawaiian - known for its paucity of consonants."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"The next day the weather was blown out, with whitecaps frosting the entire channel across to Lanai and the coconut palms whipping overhead like epileptic dust mops."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"[Conservation] Barring that, just yell at people randomly to stop killing whales. It could catch on. Really.
("Would you like fries with that?"
"Shut up and stop killing whales!"
"Thank you. Drive through, please.")"
— Christopher Moore