"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough"
— Mae West

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
— Steve Martin

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

"I love mankind, it's people I can't stand."
— Charles M. Schulz

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
— Mark Twain

"If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."
— E.B. White

"Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry."
— Terry Pratchett (Thief of Time)

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
— Oscar Levant

"Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse."
— Thomas Stephen Szasz

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
— Groucho Marx

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

"So did you stab Edward Cullen with a pencil or what?"
— Stephenie Meyer (Twilight)

"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
— Jerome K. Jerome

"Happiness is a warm puppy."
— Charles M. Schulz

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
— Mae West

"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"
— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it."
— Bertrand Russell

"I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."
— Oscar Wilde

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch."
— Orson Welles

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
— George Burns

"Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends."
— George Bernard Shaw

"I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER"."
— Groucho Marx (Groucho and Me)

"I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it."
— Mae West

"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also."
— Mark Twain

"The covers of this book are too far apart."
— Ambrose Bierce

"The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom."
— H.L. Mencken

"I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!"
— Mark Twain

"The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
— Kurt Vonnegut

"Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you're the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night. And I'll find you. Oh, yes."
— Warren Ellis (Transmetropolitan Vol. 5: Lonely City)

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime"
— GFW

"Trust only those who stand to loose as much as you when things go wrong......."
— Sol

"Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant...The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives."
— Derek Landy

"Sometimes I think it is a great mistake to have matter that can think and feel. It complains so. By the same token, though, I suppose that boulders and mountains and moons could be accused of being a little too phlegmatic."
— Kurt Vonnegut

"chicken is good beef is better"
— natanwelch

"I never met a man that I didn't like."
— Will Rogers

"In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum of thickness."
— P.G. Wodehouse

"Grandfather informs me that is not possible."
— Jonathan Safran Foer

"I can remember sittin' in a cafe when I first started in rodeo, and waitin' until somebody got done so I could finish what they left"
— Chris LeDoux