"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

"I coveted you." His smile darkened. "I had no right to want you- but I reached out and took you anyway. And now look what's become of you! Trying to seduce a vampire." He shook his head in mock horror."
— Stephenie Meyer (Eclipse)

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
— Phyllis Diller

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
— Albert Einstein

"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B."
— Fats Domino

"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"
— Jerry Seinfeld

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it."
— Rodney Dangerfield

"You are the most dangerous creature I've ever met."
— Stephenie Meyer (Eclipse)

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
— Yogi Berra

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says 'shut the fuck up!'"
— Rodney Dangerfield

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."
— Rodney Dangerfield

"A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned"
— Benjamin Franklin

"A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
— Golda Meir

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."
— Rodney Dangerfield

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers."
— Rodney Dangerfield

""Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, gear on up, it's bobsled time. Cool Runnings!" "
— Cool Runnings

"And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it."
— George Eliot (Middlemarch)

"The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree."
— Flannery O'Connor (The Complete Stories)

"He and the girl had almost nothing to say to each other. One thing he did say was, 'I ain't got any tattoo on my back.'

'What you got on it?' the girl said.

'My shirt,' Parker said. 'Haw.'

'Haw, haw,' the girl said politely."
— Flannery O'Connor (The Complete Stories)

"The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies."
— Robert Conquest