"The saddest thing is a retarded man who is crying and promising a broken egg that it will still be a chicken some day.
And that they'll play together in a field when it gets better."
— Chris Onstad

"The saddest thing is an old bag lady, freezing to death in the snow on Christmas Eve, and the last thing she sees is a family in a nice warm diner getting beheaded by the Taliban."
— Chris Onstad

"The saddest thing is a little girl who is told by her own mother and father that she will never be pretty.

And then they open the front door, and on the porch is a little white suitcase, with all of her things in it."
— Chris Onstad

"The saddest thing is when the toilet from an abandoned space station falls back to earth, lands upside-down on a child who was playing alone in the backyard, and smooshes them into the shape of half a hard-boiled egg.
...And when they lift the toilet off of the child, two lips at the top of the bloody mound say, on their dying breath, "I love you, mommy."
— Chris Onstad