"Lord, what fools these mortals be!"
— William Shakespeare

"The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think."
— Horace Walpole

"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway."
— Eric Idle

"I feel like I just found out my favorite love song was written about a sandwich."
— Jane (27 Dresses)

"This tastes almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea."
— Douglas Adams (The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide: Five Complete Novels and One Story)

"I can't go on, I'll go on."
— Samuel Beckett (I Can't Go On, I'll Go on: A Selection from Samuel Beckett's Work)

"'I'm standing in a slaughterhouse where the cattle are begging to become hamburgers. I have a right to be jumpy.'"
— Amelia Atwater-Rhodes (Shattered Mirror)

"It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!"
— Lewis Black

"To Fred, those years seemed to pass like quickly skimming a book and then finding the ending wasn't what he expected. He wished he'd paid more attention to the story."
— Sarah Addison Allen

"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."
— Erma Bombeck

"I don't know if I was put on this earth for a purpose or not...but I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one."
— Emo Phillips

"Tsuyokini,honki
Mutekini,suteki
Genki,yuuki!
--Kusakabe Maron"
— Arina Tanemura (神風怪盗ジャンヌ)

"I have so much hate that it has turned into love."
— Margaret Cho (I Have Chosen to Stay and Fight)

"There is no greater power than that of a laugh and happiness is a force which can save a person from the horrors of the world."
— Hillary DePiano

"The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't."
— Lenny Bruce

"I fart in your general direction."
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"It's like a fairy tale. . . on crack!"
— Hillary DePiano

"hi my name is luke, it rhymes with puke!"
— Mary Amato (Please Write in This Book)

"Try to be sad on a wave runner, you cant. You smile as you're hitting the peir."
— Daniel Tosh

"Bicky rocked, like a jelly in a high wind."
— P.G. Wodehouse

""I like my women like I like my wine - red and full with alcohol""
— That 70s Show, Fess

"The name's Kanockers, Vod Kanockers."
— Jake, on "Two and a Half Men"

"Life in the movie business is like the beginning of a new love affair: it's full of surprises, and you're constantly getting fucked."
— David Mamet (Speed-the-plow: A play)

"Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it."
— Lenny Bruce (The Essential Lenny Bruce)

"Don't you have any needs?

No, I'm Jesus."
— Kevin and Jane (27 Dresses)

"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious"
— Peter Ustinov

"under the gold standard, a free banking system stands as the protector of an economy's stability and balanced growth... The abandonment of the gold standard made it possible for the welfare statists to use the banking system as a means to an unlimited expansion of credit... In the absence of the gold standard, there is no way to protect savings from confiscation through inflation"
— Alan Greenspan

"Allegories are told with a purpose whose possibility is lost
Until a potato-eater appears and eats potatoes

"
— Lyn Hejinian

"Mankind is immortal
in the comic perspective not by virtue of man's subjugation of nature
but by virtue of man's subjection to it. The "fall" in tragedy ends in
death; the fall in comedy ends in bed, where, by natures's arithmetic,
one and one make a brand new one."
— Rose A. Zimbardo

"And we have not got to allow the partisanship that has really been entrenched in Washington, D.C., no matter who's been in charge. When the Republicans were in charge, I didn't see a lot of progress there, either. When the Democrats, either, though, this last go- around for the last two years."
— Sarah Palin

"Quiet, everybody! Quiet! Well, Sir, we've been getting along pretty good for quite a while now, and we're certainly much obliged. Remember, all we ask is to just go along and be happy in our own sort of way. Of course we want to keep our health but as far as anything else is concerned, we'll leave it to You. Thank You."
— Moss Hart (You Can't Take it With You)