"I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl."
— Stephen Colbert

"Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!"
— Stephen Colbert (I Am America: And So Can You!)

"Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion."
— Jon Stewart

"If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us? "
— Jon Stewart

"Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively."
— Jon Stewart

"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days."
— Jon Stewart

"Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake."
— Jon Stewart

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
— Jon Stewart

"I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character."
— Jon Stewart

"You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena."
— Jon Stewart

"Agnostics are just atheists without balls."
— Stephen Colbert (I Am America: And So Can You!)

"If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it."
— Stephen Colbert

"I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticisn about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it."
— Stephen Colbert

"Baby carrots are making me gay."
— Stephen Colbert (I Am America: And So Can You!)

"Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!"
— Stephen Colbert (I Am America: And So Can You!)

"If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke."
— Stephen Colbert

"Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult:If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes."
— Stephen Colbert (I Am America: And So Can You!)

"Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority."
— Stephen Colbert

"(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news."
— Stephen Colbert

"They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am."
— Stephen Colbert

"If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable."
— Stephen Colbert

"I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!"
— Stephen Colbert

"I am no fan of books."
— Stephen Colbert (I Am America: And So Can You!)

"I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death."
— Stephen Colbert

"All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ."
— Stephen Colbert (I Am America: And So Can You!)

"The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book."
— Stephen Colbert

"So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns."
— Stephen Colbert (I Am America: And So Can You!)

"Here's how it works: the president
makes decisions. He's the decider.
The press secretary announces those
decisions, and you people of the press
type those decisions down. Make,
announce, type. Just put 'em through
a spell check and go home. The greatest
thing about this man is he's steady.
You know where he stands. He believes
the same thing Wednesday that he believed
on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday.
Events can change; this man's beliefs never will."
— Stephen Colbert

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss

"People, generally, suck."
— Christopher Moore

"You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't."
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"If you have come to these pages for laughter, may you find it.
If you are here to be offended, may your ire rise and your blood boil.
If you seek an adventure, may this song sing you away to blissful escape.
If you need to test or confirm your beliefs, may you reach comfortable conclusions.
All books reveal perfection, by what they are or what they are not.
May you find that which you seek, in these pages or outside them.
May you find perfection, and know it by name."
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates."
— Christopher Moore (A Dirty Job)

"Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe."
— Christopher Moore (The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror, Version 2.0)

"Actually, orcas aren't quite as complex as scientists imagine. Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"Oh, I get it," I said. "It's a parable. Cute. Let's go eat."
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"Blessed are the dumbfucks."
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"You're trying to be tricky. What's morality?"

"It's the difference between what's right and what you can rationalize.

"Must be a human thing."

"Exactly."
— Christopher Moore

"Stop," I said. "Please do not further endorken yourself to me. You have great hair and a car that is most fly, and you have just saved me with your mad ninja driving skills, so do not sully your heroic hottie image in my mind by further reciting your nerdy scholastic agenda. Don't tell me what you're studying, Steve, tell me what's in your soul. What haunts you?"

And he was like, "Dude, you need to cut back on the caffeine."
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter."
— Christopher Moore

"The music coming from inside sounded like robots fucking. And complaining about it. In rhythmic monotone. European robots."
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"It's hard for me, a Jew, to stay in the moment. Without the past, where is the guilt? And without the future, where is the dread? And without guilt and dread, who am I?"
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"The Emperor decided to make a proclamation to his troops about the importance of compassion in the face of the rising tide of heinous fuckery and political weaselocity in the nearby kingdom of the United States."
— Christopher Moore (A Dirty Job)

"We have eyes, and we're looking at stuff all the time, all day long. And I just think that whatever our eyes touch should be beautiful, tasteful, appealing, and important.
"
— Eric Carle

"It struck me as pretty ridiculous to be called Mr. Darcy and to stand on your own looking snooty at a party. It's like being called Heathcliff and insisting on spending the entire evening in the garden, shouting "Cathy" and banging your head against a tree."
— Helen Fielding (Bridget Jones's Diary)

"I will not fall for any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomanics, chauvists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders, perverts."
— Helen Fielding (Bridget Jones's Diary)

"The human heart is a strange vessel. Love and hatred can exist side by side."
— Scott Westerfeld

"What you do, the way you think, makes you beautiful."
— Scott Westerfeld

"Yuuko, speaking to Fai: To all the young ones in your group, you are no longer someone who passes through their lives and is forgotten. You have become someone very important to them. Your hardships are their hardships too."
— Clamp (Tsubasa: RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE, Volume 16)

"Stay gold, Ponyboy, stay gold."
— S.E. Hinton (The Outsiders)