"When the going gets weird the weird turn pro."
— Hunter S. Thompson

"To accomplish nothing and die of the strain"
— E.M. Cioran

"If we could truly see ourselves the way others see us we'd disappear on the spot."
— Émile Michel Cioran

"Shame on the man who goes to his grave escorted by the miserable hopes that have kept him alive."
— E. M. Cioran

"Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it."
— P.J. O'Rourke

"All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
— Leo Tolstoy (Anna Karenina)

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
— George Burns

"He in his madness prays for storms,
and dreams that storms will bring him peace - Marya Alexandrov - Family Happiness"
— Leo Tolstoy (The Death of Ivan Ilych)

"What is freedom of expression? Without the freedom to offend, it ceases to exist."
— Salman Rushdie

"A poet's work . . . to name the unnamable, to point at frauds, to take sides, start arguments, shape the world and stop it from going to sleep."
— Salman Rushdie

"To understand just one life you have to swallow the world ... do you wonder, then, that I was a heavy child?"
— Salman Rushdie (Midnight's Children)

"A friend should always underestimate your virtues and an enemy overestimate your faults"
— Mario Puzo (The Godfather)

"Human speech is like a cracked kettle on which we tap crude rhythms for bears to dance to, while we long to make music that will melt the stars."
— Gustave Flaubert

"Hell is other people."
— Jean-Paul Sartre (No Exit: A Play in One Act)

"Life isn’t divided into genres. It’s a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky."
— Alan Moore

"It's easy to fall in love. The hard part is finding someone to catch you."
— Bertrand Russell

"Marge, it takes two to lie- one to lie, and one to listen. (Homer Simpson)"
— Matt Groening

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. "
— Matt Groening

"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
— Matt Groening (Life in Hell 1993-1994 Fun Calendar)

"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand."
— Kurt Vonnegut

"Actually, the gap between say Plato or Nietzsche and the average human is greater than the gap between that chimpanzee and the average human."
— Louis MacKey

"There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results."... Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic. ...

...Other symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia are: Do you see things that aren't there? Such as a link between 9/11 and Iraq? Do you - do you feel things that you shouldn't be feeling, like a sense of accomplishment? Do you have trouble organizing words into a coherent sentence? Do you hear voices that aren't really there? Like, oh, I don't know, your imaginary friend, Jesus? Telling you to start a war in the Middle East.

Well, guess what? There are a large number of people out there also suffering from the same delusions, because there are Republicans, there are conservatives, and then there are the Bushies. This is the 29 percent of Americans who still think he's doing "a heck of a job, Whitey." And I don't believe that it's coincidence that almost the same number of Americans - 25 percent - told a recent pollster that they believe that this year - this year, 2007 - would bring the Second Coming of Christ!

I have a hunch these are the same people. Because, if you think that you're going to meet Jesus before they cancel "Ugly Betty," then you're used to doing things by faith. And if you have so much blind faith that you think this war is winnable, you're nuts and you shouldn't be allowed near a voting booth."
— Bill Maher

"Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit!'"
— Bill Maher

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
— Groucho Marx

"I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER"."
— Groucho Marx (Groucho and Me)

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
— Groucho Marx

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
— Groucho Marx

"I dance for no reason, for reasons you can't dance,
Call me an activist of intellectualized circumstance
You can't learn my steps until you unlearn your thoughts Spirit, soul, can't be store-bought."
— Saul Williams

"the greatest Americans
have not been born yet
they are waiting patiently
for the past to die"
— Saul Williams

"Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash."
— Leonard Cohen

"Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends."
— Tom Waits