co's quotes

(showing 1-40 of 40)

"You have that vacant look in your eyes that says 'hold my head to your ear and you will hear the sea'."
— Londo Mollari - Babylon 5

tags: humour
10 people liked it

"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand."
— Kurt Vonnegut

tags: humour, telekinetics
1,014 people liked it

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

tags: funny, humour
1,000 people liked it

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it."
— Rodney Dangerfield

tags: crime, funny, humour, neighborhoods
534 people liked it

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."
— Robert Orben

tags: humour, politics, truth
356 people liked it

"Never judge a book by its movie."
— J.W. Eagan

tags: film, humour, manuscript
639 people liked it

"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music."
— George Carlin

tags: dance, dancing, music
1,015 people liked it

"You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity. "
— Bullet Tooth Tony (Snatch)

tags: humour
48 people liked it

"procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday"
— don marquis via archy

tags: humour
35 people liked it

"I'd rather be a climbing ape than a falling angel."
— Terry Pratchett

tags: humour, inspirational
106 people liked it

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says 'shut the fuck up!'"
— Rodney Dangerfield

tags: fuck, funny, humour, libraries, neighborhoods, profanity
432 people liked it

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

tags: funny, humour
335 people liked it

"No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it"
— Fernando Pessoa

tags: humour
37 people liked it

"I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER"."
— Groucho Marx (Groucho and Me)

tags: clique, clubs, humor, membership
447 people liked it

"Soap is to the body what laughter is to the soul"
— Yiddish proverb

tags: humour
31 people liked it

"I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine."
— Peter Ustinov

tags: culture, hell, humor, humour
21 people liked it

"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."
— Rodney Dangerfield

tags: crime, funny, humour
263 people liked it

"Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil... prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon..."
— Terry Pratchett

tags: humour
85 people liked it

"A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

tags: funny, humour
216 people liked it

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

tags: einstein, human, humor, infinity, nature, philosophy, science, stupidity, universe
12,509 people liked it

"A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can."
— Jane Austen

114 people liked it

"What in the blue star-blazes did you see in Jason?" he asked, still forcefully but with his frustration and jealousy under better control.

"For one thing, Djetth, he wasn't trying to kill me!"

("Marsh", heroine of Insufficient Mating Material)"
— Rowena Cherry (Insufficient Mating Material)

tags: alien-romance, aliens, fantasy, futuristic, humor, humour, romance
12 people liked it

"There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly."
— Woody Allen (Annie Hall)

tags: humour, life
24 people liked it

"Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect. You'd have a chance at least. You could lie there thinking: Well, at least I'm not dead."
— Tom Stoppard (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead)

tags: humour
24 people liked it

"After all, what could you expect from a pig but a grunt?"
— L.M. Montgomery

tags: humour
17 people liked it

"So the biblical scholars mis-translated the Hebrew word for "young woman" into the Greek word for "virgin," which was a pretty easy mistake to make, since there is only a subtle difference in the spelling. But back then it was the "virgin" that caught people's attention. It's not every day a virgin conceives and bears a son. So you keep that for a couple of hundred years, and the next thing you know, you have the Roman Catholic church. "
— Franky Four Fingers (Snatch)

tags: humour
11 people liked it

"My patience has dreadful chilblains from standing so long on a monument."
— Elizabeth Barrett Browning (Letters of Elizabeth Barrett Browning to Mary Russell Mitford, 1836-1854)

tags: humour, life
6 people liked it

"... all his faces were designed to express rage or loathing. Now that something had happened which really deserved a face, he had none to celebrate it with. As a kind of token, he made his Sex Life in Ancient Rome face."
— Kingsley Amis (Lucky Jim)

tags: anger, faces, humour, rage
5 people liked it

"If looks could kill, I am a-dead now. "
— Roberto Benigni (Down by Law)

tags: humour
8 people liked it

"Mother, who has an absolute belief that it is not the cards that one is dealt in life, it is how one plays them, is, by far, the highest card I was dealt."
— Kay Redfield Jamison (An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness)

tags: family, humour, love
14 people liked it

"The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it.
"
— Doris Day

tags: aging, middle-age
13 people liked it

"If you neglected to warn Djetth beforehand that you were going to shoot him down, Your Highness, he may consider you in breach of contract...

-- Rhett"
— Rowena Cherry (Insufficient Mating Material)

tags: alien-romance, fantasy, futuristic, humor, humour, romance
7 people liked it

"Had that poor Reilly kook really been proud of Levy Pants? He had always said that he was. That was one good sign of his insanity."
— John Kennedy Toole (A Confederacy of Dunces)

tags: humor, humour
4 people liked it

"Rhett: If you've made up your mind to impale someone, do it with conviction."
— Rowena Cherry (Knight's Fork)

tags: alien-romance, fantasy, futuristic, humor, humour, rhett
14 people liked it

"If I'm out of my mind, it's all right with me, thought Moses Herzog."
— Saul Bellow (Herzog)

tags: humour, jewish
7 people liked it

"Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future."
— Niels Bohr

tags: absurd, humour, truth, wisdom
51 people liked it

"Allegra's Austen wrote about the impact of financial need on the intimate lives of women. If she'd worked in a bookstore, Allegra would have shelved Austen in the horror section."
— Karen Joy Fowler (The Jane Austen Book Club)

tags: austen, humour
8 people liked it

"'It smells terrible in here.'

'Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere of this room rather comforting. Schiller needed the scent of apples rotting in his desk in order to write. I, too, have my needs. You may remember that Mark Twain preferred to lie supinely in bed while composing those rather dated and boring efforts which contemporary scholars try to prove meaningful. Veneration of Mark Twain is one of the roots of our current intellectual stalemate.'"
— John Kennedy Toole (A Confederacy of Dunces)

tags: humor, humour, odors, smells, stink, writing
19 people liked it

"Doctor doctor, what do you say, lets put the id back in yid"
— Philip Roth (Portnoy's Complaint)

tags: humour, jewish
4 people liked it

"Have you ever crossed the road, and looked the wrong way? A car's nearly on you? So what do you do? Something very silly. You freeze. Your life doesn't flash before you, 'cause you're too fuckin' scared to think - you just freeze and pull a stupid face. But the pikey didn't. Why? Because he had plans of running the car over. "
— Turkish (Snatch)

tags: humour
10 people liked it

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