"Minds are like parachutes, they work best when open."
— Lord Thomas Dewar

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
— Jack Handey

"Too often, I think, children are required to write before they have anything to say. Teach them to think and read and talk with self-repression, and they will write because they cannot help it."
— Anne Sullivan

"My glass is half empty.
My glass is half full.
What’s the big difference? Either way you still have half a glass of water.

-Daniel, from Reawakened Soul"
— Kenzie

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
— Mark Twain

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
— Douglas Adams

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
— Steve Martin

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
— Robert A. Heinlein

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."
— Terry Pratchett (Diggers)

"I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal."
— Jane Austen

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."
— Mark Twain

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
— Groucho Marx

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you."
— Rita Mae Brown

"Fall down again, Bella?'
'No, Emmett, I punched a werewolf in the face.'"
— Stephenie Meyer (Eclipse)

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. "
— W.C. Fields

"Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry."
— Terry Pratchett (Thief of Time)

"Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources"
— Albert Einstein

"I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her."
— Stephenie Meyer (New Moon)

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
— Mark Twain

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

"Inconceivable!"
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
— Oscar Levant

"So did you stab Edward Cullen with a pencil or what?"
— Stephenie Meyer (Twilight)

"Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?"
— Henry Ward Beecher

"Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse."
— Thomas Stephen Szasz

"Edward - I wasn't about to send you off alone. With your luck, not even the black box would survive.
Bella - So let's say my bad luck did crash the plane. What exactly were you going to do about it?
Edward - Why is the plane crashing?
He was trying to hide a smile now.
Bella - The pilots are passed out drunk.
Edward - Easy. I'd fly the plane.
Of course. I pursed my lips and tried again.
Bella - Both engines have exploded and we're falling in a death spiral toward the earth.
Edward - I'd wait till we were close enough to the ground, get a good grip on you, kick out the wall, and jump. Then I'd run you back to the scene of the accident, and we'd stumble around like the two luckiest survivors in history.
I stared at him wordlessly.
"What?" he whispered."
— Stephenie Meyer (Eclipse)

"The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be."
— Douglas Adams

"It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life."
— Terry Pratchett (The Last Continent)

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
— George Carlin

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
— Mae West

"Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)

"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," Alice announced."
— Stephenie Meyer (Twilight)

"I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."
— Oscar Wilde

"People, generally, suck."
— Christopher Moore

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."
— Steven Wright

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch."
— Orson Welles

"What did you do to this?" He asked in a horrorstruck voice.
"It didn't want to come out of the dashboard."
"So you felt the need to torture it?"
"You know how I am with tools. No pain was inflicted intentionally."
He shook his head, his face a mask of faux tragedy."You killed it."
— Stephenie Meyer (Eclipse)

"This truck is old enough to be your car's grandfather - have some respect.

- Bella Swan"
— Stephenie Meyer (Twilight)

"Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose."
— Garrison Keillor

"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious."
— Oscar Wilde (Lady Windermere's Fan)

"book collecting is an obsession, an occupation, a disease, an addiction, a fascination, an absurdity, a fate. it is not a hobby. those who do it must do it. those who do not do it, think of it as a cousin of stamp collecting, a sister of the trophy cabinet, bastard of a sound bank account and a weak mind."
— Jeanette Winterson

"CALVIN:
Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor?

When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny.

Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?

HOBBES:
I suppose if we couldn't laugh at the things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life."
— Bill Watterson

"Reality continues to ruin my life."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

"Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice."
— Bill Watterson

"I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness."
— Bill Watterson

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
— Bill Watterson

"Calvin: You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
Hobbes: What mood is that?
Calvin: Last-minute panic."
— Bill Watterson

"Calvin (to Suzy)- You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!"
— Bill Watterson

"Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!
Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!
[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.]

Hobbes: Look, it's just a game.
Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!"
— Bill Watterson