"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."
— Abraham Lincoln

"I love mankind, it's people I can't stand."
— Charles M. Schulz

"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."
— Robert Maynard Hutchins

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said 'I don't know'."
— Mark Twain

"Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends."
— George Bernard Shaw

"Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside."
— Mark Twain

"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl

"The thought of two thousand people crunching celery at the same time horrified me."
— George Bernard Shaw

"There is no love sincerer than the love of food."
— George Bernard Shaw (Man and Superman)

"All sorrows are less with bread. "
— Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

"Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian; wine and tarragon make it French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good."
— Alice May Brock

"The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go."
— Dr. Seuss

"Are wild strawberries really wild? Will they scratch an adult, will they snap at a child? Should you pet them, or let them run free where they roam? Could they ever relax in a steam-heated home? Can they be trained to not growl at the guests? Will a litterbox work or would they make a mess? Can we make them a Cowberry, herding the cows, or maybe a Muleberry pulling the plows, or maybe a Huntberry chasing the grouse, or maybe a Watchberry guarding the house, and though they may curl up at your feet oh so sweetly can you ever feel that you trust them completely? Or should we make a pet out of something less scary, like the Domestic Prune or the Imported Cherry, Anyhow, you've been warned and I will not be blamed if your Wild Strawberries cannot be tamed."
— Shel Silverstein (Where the Sidewalk Ends)

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."
— Mark Twain

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
— Mark Twain

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
— Mark Twain

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
— Mark Twain

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
— Albert Einstein

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
— Douglas Adams

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."
— Terry Pratchett (Diggers)

"Happiness is a warm puppy."
— Charles M. Schulz

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. "
— W.C. Fields

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
— Groucho Marx

"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
— Jerome K. Jerome

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
— Oscar Wilde

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
— C.S. Lewis

"I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal."
— Jane Austen

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
— Mark Twain

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
— George Carlin

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."
— W.C. Fields

"My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best."
— Winston S. Churchill

"THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. We are here to help you.
2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.
3. The dress code will be enforced.
4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.
5. Our football team will win the championship this year.
6. We expect more of you here.
7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.
8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.
9. Your locker combination is private.
10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.

TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.
2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.
3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.
4. The new text books will arrive any day now.
5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.
6. We are enforcing the dress code.
7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.
8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.
9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.
10. We want to hear what you have to say."
— Laurie Halse Anderson (Speak)

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
— Groucho Marx

"It is always cruel to laugh at people, of course, although sometimes if they are wearing an ugly hat it is hard to control yourself."
— Lemony Snicket

"No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?"
— Terry Pratchett (Night Watch)

"Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it."
— Mark Twain

"I predict future happiness for Americans, if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them."
— Thomas Jefferson

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber."
— Aristotle

"Under the United States Constitution, the federal government has no authority to hold states "accountable" for their education performance...In the free society envisioned by the founders, schools are held accountable to parents, not federal bureaucrats."
— Ron Paul

"One thing is clear: The Founding Fathers never intended a nation where citizens would pay nearly half of everything they earn to the government."
— Ron Paul

"The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government - lest it come to dominate our lives and interests."
— Patrick Henry

"We need to understand the more government spends, the more freedom is lost...Instead of simply debating spending levels, we ought to be debating whether the departments, agencies, and programs funded by the budget should exist at all."
— Ron Paul

"Every immigrant who comes here should be required within five years to learn English or leave the country."
— Theodore Roosevelt

"When conservative judges strike down laws, it's because of what's in the Constitution. When liberal judges strike down laws (or impose new laws), it's because of what's in the New York Times"
— Ann Coulter (If Democrats had Any Brains, They'd be Republicans)

"Guns are our friends because in a country without guns, I'm what's known as "prey." All females are."
— Ann Coulter (If Democrats had Any Brains, They'd be Republicans)

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

"Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator."
— Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid)