"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something."
— Jack Handey

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
— Winston S. Churchill

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"
— Edgar Bergen

"Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools."
— Truman Capote

""Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

"
— Phyllis Diller

"The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend."
— Abraham Lincoln

"A wise man once said: Ask a woman."
— Random

"Life experiences are like quarters, you lose both when you're sitting around on the couch."
— Jamba Juice Cup

"The more you read,
The more you know.
The more you know,
The smater you grow.
the smarter you grow,
The stronger your voice,
When speaking your mind,
Or making a choice"
— A bookmark

"My slushie has more brain slosh than you!"
— Jan Kelly

"From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!"
— Dr. Seuss

"Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator."
— Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid)

"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B."
— Fats Domino

"I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes."
— Jack Handey

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
— Albert Einstein

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

"Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!
Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!
[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.]

Hobbes: Look, it's just a game.
Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!"
— Bill Watterson

"Calvin: You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
Hobbes: What mood is that?
Calvin: Last-minute panic."
— Bill Watterson

"I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help."
— Bill Watterson

"If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life."
— Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes)

"What fun is it being cool if you can't wear a sombrero?"
— Bill Watterson

"I'm a misunderstood genius."
"What's misunderstood?"
"Nobody thinks I'm a genius."
— Bill Watterson

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
— Albert Einstein

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."
— Albert Einstein

"If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales."
— Albert Einstein

"The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits."
— Albert Einstein

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."
— Albert Einstein

"A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it."
— Albert Einstein

"Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein."
— H. Jackson Brown Jr.

"If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself."
— Albert Einstein

"The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up."
— Albert Einstein

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."
— Albert Einstein

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
— Albert Einstein

""I always love to quote Albert Einstein because nobody dares contradict him."
"
— Studs Terkel

"Black holes are where God divided by zero."
— Albert Einstein