Whatangelhad's quotes

(showing 1-50 of 243)

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

tags: animals, books, dogs, friends, humor
6,862 people liked it

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss

tags: be-yourself, confidence, individuality, those-who-matter
18,997 people liked it

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

tags: einstein, human, humor, infinity, nature, philosophy, science, stupidity, universe
12,574 people liked it

"It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel."
— Woody Allen

tags: absurd
254 people liked it

"A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men.
I have the strength of one small boy... with polio."
— Woody Allen

tags: absurd
63 people liked it

"As my exciting story began I was being punched in the stomach."
— John Swartzwelder

tags: absurd
11 people liked it

"Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe.
It required bandaging."
— Woody Allen

tags: absurd
7 people liked it

"I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket.
He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know."
— Woody Allen

tags: absurd
16 people liked it

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

tags: humor, scifi
3,378 people liked it

"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
— Woody Allen

tags: death, fear, humor, life
2,862 people liked it

"Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse."
— Thomas Stephen Szasz

tags: humor, inspirational
1,720 people liked it

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

tags: humor
1,401 people liked it

"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."
— Robert Maynard Hutchins

tags: exercise, humor, laziness
6,068 people liked it

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
— Terry Pratchett (Jingo)

tags: humor, proverb
2,080 people liked it

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."
— Terry Pratchett (Diggers)

tags: humor, open-mind, thinking
3,085 people liked it

"Humans think they are smarter than dolphins because we build cars and buildings and start wars etc...and all that dolphins do is swim in the water, eat fish and play around. Dolphins believe that they are smarter for exactly the same reasons."
— Douglas Adams

tags: humour
2,109 people liked it

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
— Steve Martin

tags: humor, obvious
5,676 people liked it

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
— Jim Henson

tags: humor
5,935 people liked it

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
— Douglas Adams

tags: deadlines, humor, work
5,519 people liked it

"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
— Jerome K. Jerome

tags: humor, work
1,197 people liked it

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
— Oscar Levant

tags: genius, humor, insanity
1,761 people liked it

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
— Dorothy Parker

tags: author, book, humorist, poet, wit
520 people liked it

"Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."
— Mark Twain

tags: humor, writing
1,597 people liked it

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor, time
1,556 people liked it

"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it."
— Voltaire

207 people liked it

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
— George Burns

tags: family, happiness, humor
684 people liked it

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."
— Groucho Marx

tags: books, humor, reading
783 people liked it

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
— Mae West

tags: humor, temptation
1,193 people liked it

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
— Charles Lamb

tags: humor, work
699 people liked it

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch."
— Orson Welles

tags: food, humor
738 people liked it

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
— Groucho Marx

tags: books, humor, reading, television
2,964 people liked it

"There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it."
— Bertrand Russell

tags: books, humor
847 people liked it

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you."
— Rita Mae Brown

tags: humor, insanity
2,616 people liked it

"But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"
— Mark Twain

tags: humor, satan
1,229 people liked it

"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."
— Woody Allen

tags: humor, life, sex
1,113 people liked it

"You always get weirdos like Edward who seem to attract women for some reason. If Edward wasn’t a fictional character and you met him in reality he is like one of those guys who would probably be an axe murderer or something."
— Stephenie Meyer (The Twilight Saga)

tags: twilight
5,721 people liked it

"A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar."
— Carolyn G. Heilbrun

tags: books, humor
553 people liked it

"It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life."
— Terry Pratchett (The Last Continent)

tags: death, humor, life
897 people liked it

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. "
— W.C. Fields

tags: humor, sinister
2,126 people liked it

"I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland."
— Woody Allen

tags: absurd, humor, music
264 people liked it

"To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition."
— Woody Allen

tags: absurd, atheism, humor
385 people liked it

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
— Mark Twain

tags: humor, politics
1,572 people liked it

"The covers of this book are too far apart."
— Ambrose Bierce

tags: books, criticism, humor, wit
388 people liked it

"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."
— Garrison Keillor

tags: humor, religion
4,151 people liked it

"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."
— Oscar Wilde (The Importance of Being Earnest)

tags: children, humor, parents
357 people liked it

"Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?"
— Henry Ward Beecher

tags: books, humor
1,259 people liked it

"I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!"
— Mark Twain

tags: decisions, humor, mind
247 people liked it

"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
— Lily Tomlin

tags: humor, life, race, rat
495 people liked it

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
— Robin Williamson

tags: humor, men
437 people liked it

"Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business."
— Tom Robbins

tags: humor, magic
372 people liked it

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animals
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be-yourself
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exercise
family
fear
food
friends
happiness
human nature
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infinity
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life
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men
music
obvious
open-mind
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thinking
those-who-matter
time
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Einstein
Life
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books
confidence
death
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humor satan
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