Tom > Tom's Quotes

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  • #1
    Neil Gaiman
    “I can believe things that are true and things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not.

    I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Beatles and Marilyn Monroe and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen - I believe that people are perfectable, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkled lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women.

    I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state.

    I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste.

    I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like martians in War of the Worlds.

    I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman.

    I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumble bee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself.

    I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck.

    I believe that anyone who says sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too.

    I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system.

    I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.”
    Neil Gaiman, American Gods

  • #2
    Neil Gaiman
    “Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
    Neil Gaiman, The Kindly Ones

  • #3
    Neil Gaiman
    “I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God, convince a thousand cats to do the same thing at the same time.”
    Neil Gaiman

  • #4
    Neil Gaiman
    “Hey," said Shadow. "Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are."
    The bird turned, head tipped, suspiciously, on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes.
    "Say 'Nevermore,'" said Shadow.
    "Fuck you," said the raven.”
    Neil Gaiman, American Gods

  • #5
    Neil Gaiman
    “You're no help," he told the lime. This was unfair. It was only a lime; there was nothing special about it at all. It was doing the best it could.”
    Neil Gaiman, Anansi Boys

  • #6
    Neil Gaiman
    “I mean, d'you know what eternity is? There's this big mountain, see, a mile high, at the end of the universe, and once every thousand years there's this little bird-"

    "What little bird?" said Aziraphale suspiciously.

    "This little bird I'm talking about. And every thousand years-"

    "The same bird every thousand years?"

    Crowley hesitated. "Yeah," he said.

    "Bloody ancient bird, then."

    "Okay. And every thousand years this bird flies-"

    "-limps-"

    "-flies all the way to this mountain and sharpens its beak-"

    "Hold on. You can't do that. Between here and the end of the universe there's loads of-" The angel waved a hand expansively, if a little unsteadily. "Loads of buggerall, dear boy."

    "But it gets there anyway," Crowley persevered.

    "How?"

    "It doesn't matter!"

    "It could use a space ship," said the angel.

    Crowley subsided a bit. "Yeah," he said. "If you like. Anyway, this bird-"

    "Only it is the end of the universe we're talking about," said Aziraphale. "So it'd have to be one of those space ships where your descendants are the ones who get out at the other end. You have to tell your descendants, you say, When you get to the Mountain, you've got to-" He hesitated. "What have
    they got to do?"

    "Sharpen its beak on the mountain," said Crowley. "And then it flies back-"

    "-in the space ship-"

    "And after a thousand years it goes and does it all again," said Crowley quickly.

    There was a moment of drunken silence.

    "Seems a lot of effort just to sharpen a beak," mused Aziraphale.

    "Listen," said Crowley urgently, "the point is that when the bird has worn the mountain down to nothing, right, then-"

    Aziraphale opened his mouth. Crowley just knew he was going to make some point about the relative hardness of birds' beaks and granite mountains, and plunged on quickly.

    "-then you still won't have finished watching The Sound of Music."

    Aziraphale froze.

    "And you'll enjoy it," Crowley said relentlessly. "You really will."

    "My dear boy-"

    "You won't have a choice."

    "Listen-"

    "Heaven has no taste."

    "Now-"

    "And not one single sushi restaurant."

    A look of pain crossed the angel's suddenly very serious face.”
    Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

  • #7
    Neil Gaiman
    “His name is Marcus: he is four and a half and possesses that deep gravity and seriousness that only small children and mountain gorillas have ever been able to master.”
    Neil Gaiman, Anansi Boys

  • #8
    Oscar Wilde
    “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
    Oscar Wilde



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