"Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse."
— Thomas Stephen Szasz

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
— Mae West

"I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER"."
— Groucho Marx (Groucho and Me)

"I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it."
— Mae West

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
— Miss Piggy

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."
— Terry Pratchett (Diggers)

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. "
— W.C. Fields

"My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best."
— Winston S. Churchill

"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."
— Oscar Wilde (The Importance of Being Earnest)

"I have nothing to declare except my genius."
— Oscar Wilde

"There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence."
— Adrian Edmondson

""Tomorrow is a promise to no one.""
— Clint Eastwood

"Never go with a hippy to a second location"
— Jack from "30 Rock"

"Inconceivable!"
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

"If you ride both sides of the fence, all you're gonna get is a wedgie."
— a great PHILosopher

"As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney.
"
— Tad Williams

"Someday we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny."
— Bruce Springsteen

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
— George Carlin

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."
— W.C. Fields

"Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, and devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad."
— Neal Stephenson (Snow Crash)

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
— Robin P. Williams

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
— George Burns

"Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that."
— Garrison Keillor

"What about a teakettle? What if the spout opened and closed when the steam came out, so it would become a mouth, and it could whistle pretty melodies, or do Shakespeare, or just
crack up with me? I could invent a teakettle that reads in Dad’s voice, so I could fall asleep, or maybe a set of kettles that sings the chorus of “Yellow Submarine,” which is a song by the Beatles, who I love, because entomology is one of my raisons d’être, which
is a French expression that I know. Another good thing is that I could train my anus to talk when I farted. If I wanted to be extremely hilarious, I’d train it to say, “Wasn’t me!” every time I made an incredibly bad fart. And if I ever made an incredibly bad fart in the Hall of Mirrors, which is in Versailles, which is outside of Paris, which is in France, obviously, my anus would say, “Ce n’étais pas moi!”
What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers, which could be in the pouches of our overalls? When you skateboard down the street at night you could hear everyone's heartbeat, and they could hear yours, sort of like sonar. One weird thing is, I wonder if everyone's hearts would start to beat at the same time, like how women who live together have their menstrual periods at the same time, which I know about, but don't really want to know about. That would be so weird, except that the place in the hospital where babies are born would sound like a crystal chandelier in a houseboat, because the babies wouldn't have had time to match up their heartbeats yet. And at the finish line at the end of the New York City Marathon it would sound like war."
— Jonathan Safran Foer

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason "
— Jerry Seinfeld

"You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway."
— Scott Adams

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin

"People, generally, suck."
— Christopher Moore

"Reality continues to ruin my life."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

""We have a strategic plan. It's called doing things." "
— Herb Kelleher, founder Southwest Airlines

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer"
— Douglas Adams

"The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be."
— Douglas Adams

"I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train."
— Oscar Wilde (The Importance of Being Earnest)

"It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
— Drew Carey

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
— Dr. Seuss

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
— Eleanor Roosevelt

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
— Mark Twain

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
— Mark Twain

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
— Oscar Wilde

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."
— Elie Wiesel

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."
— Robert Frost

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square hole. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
— Apple Computer Inc.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by frost."
— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Fellowship of the Ring)

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
— Steve Martin

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
— Oscar Wilde

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells."
— Dr. Seuss

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
— Douglas Adams