"THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. We are here to help you.
2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.
3. The dress code will be enforced.
4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.
5. Our football team will win the championship this year.
6. We expect more of you here.
7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.
8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.
9. Your locker combination is private.
10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.

TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.
2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.
3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.
4. The new text books will arrive any day now.
5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.
6. We are enforcing the dress code.
7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.
8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.
9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.
10. We want to hear what you have to say."
— Laurie Halse Anderson (Speak)

"You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!"
— Georgette Heyer (Powder and Patch)

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me."
— Alice Roosevelt Longworth

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."
— Steven Wright

"Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.
Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.
And it always feels good."
— Lora Brody

"Here’s the thing… I’ve already gone crazy once. I know what my limits are."
— Stephenie Meyer (Eclipse)

""Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I choose the lesser good?" Anita Blake"
— Laurell K. Hamilton (Danse Macabre)

"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me."
— Robert Frost

"Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous."
— P.G. Wodehouse (Very Good, Jeeves!)

"Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all."
— Jane Austen

"The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised."
— George F. Will

"When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' And sure enough, they get worse."
— Robert Lynn Asprin

""I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious."
"
— Rita Rudner

"
It don't do you no nevermind to tell nobody nothing."
— Thomas McGuane

"I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else."
— G.K. Chesterton

"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."
— Steven Wright

""Why couldn't the merciful God turn down the sunlight so it wasn't blasting like a red furnace against his aching eyes? Because he'd worshipped the god of beer, thats why. He'd broken a commandment and worshipped the false and foamy god of beer. And now he was being punished.""
— Nora Roberts (Blue Smoke)

"If I ever meet myself, I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me."
— Douglas Adams

"I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her."
— Stephenie Meyer (New Moon)

"I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me."
— Matt Groening

"I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness."
— Bill Watterson

"Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head."
Eddie DeChooch"
— Janet Evanovich (Seven Up)

"There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva"
— Josh Groban

"A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it."
— Mary Karr "The Liar's Club"

"It probably looked like I was just dithering over whether or not I was going to approach them. How could they guess that I was standing there enjoying an unexpected moment of insanity?"
— Stephenie Meyer (New Moon)

"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap."
— Carrie Snow

"There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing."
— Oscar Wilde

"One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious."
— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

"...Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention."
— Christopher Paolini (Eragon)

"She had not yet decided whether to use her power for good...or for evil."
— Anne Taintor

"Ha! Relationship. Is that what you're calling it now? You two get together; you break it off. You get together again...you get pissy; you leave him. Doesn't sound like much relationship is going on there...

Demon I command thee to zip thy lips until you get over your case of the grumps"
— Katie McAlister

"If you think things can't get any worse, you have no imagination and no sense of history."
— John S. Hall

"Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face."
— Augusten Burroughs

"Oh shit, the mummy's after us, let's all walk a little faster"
— Stephen King (Desperation)

"I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one."
— H. Jackson Brown Jr.

"Eric moved the broom experimentally and made an attempt to sweep the glass into the pan while it lay in the middle of the floor. Of course, the pan slid away. Eric scowled.
I'd finally found something Eric did poorly."
— Charlaine Harris (Dead as a Doornail)

"This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic."
— Terry Pratchett

"Sometimes I don't know whether I'm thening or nowing."
— Jasper Fforde (Something Rotten)