Zamr zamr's favorite quotes

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
— Mark Twain

tags: humor, procrastination

5,704 people liked it

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
— Robert A. Heinlein

tags: cats, humor, women

3,867 people liked it

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."
— Terry Pratchett (Diggers)

tags: humor, open-mind, thinking

3,013 people liked it

"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
— Woody Allen

tags: death, fear, humor, life

2,789 people liked it

"My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: humor, taste

744 people liked it

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
— Charles Lamb

tags: humor, work

680 people liked it

"It's hard to be a bright light in a dim world."
— Gary Starta

tags: humor, paranormal, scifi

82 people liked it

"This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence."
— Adrian Edmondson

tags: humor, violence, vyvyan

93 people liked it

"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. "
— Bill Gates

tags: humor, work

3,798 people liked it

"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."
— Woody Allen

tags: humor, life, sex

1,081 people liked it

"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
— Lily Tomlin

tags: humor, life, race, rat

486 people liked it

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
— Steve Martin

tags: humor, sex

155 people liked it

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me."
— Alice Roosevelt Longworth

tags: humor

114 people liked it

"I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything."
— Geoff Johns (Teen Titans Vol. 3: Beast Boys and Girls)

tags: humor

115 people liked it

"Someday we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny."
— Bruce Springsteen

tags: humor

92 people liked it

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
— George Carlin

tags: humor, insanity, lies, lying, self-indulgence, truth

1,396 people liked it

"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."
— Garrison Keillor

tags: humor, religion

4,020 people liked it

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."
— Steven Wright

tags: amnesia, humor, memory

764 people liked it

"Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose."
— Garrison Keillor

tags: absurd, cats, humor

543 people liked it

"To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition."
— Woody Allen

tags: absurd, atheism, humor

380 people liked it

"Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."
— Mark Twain

tags: humor, writing

1,563 people liked it

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason "
— Jerry Seinfeld

tags: humor

211 people liked it

"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl

tags: food, humor

236 people liked it

"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
— Mark Twain

tags: bank, bankers, humor

250 people liked it

"My brain? That's my second favorite organ."
— Woody Allen

tags: humor

74 people liked it

"Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt."
— Scott Adams

tags: food, humor, life

45 people liked it

"Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you."
— Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

tags: humor, science

433 people liked it

"'Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple.'

'Ah, well, I'm not sure I believe that.'"
— Douglas Adams (Life, the Universe and Everything)

tags: humor

136 people liked it

"'Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'"
— Douglas MacArthur

tags: humor, military

95 people liked it

"Reality continues to ruin my life."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

tags: calvin-and-hobbes, humor, life

2,692 people liked it

"Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice."
— Bill Watterson

tags: calvin-and-hobbes, humor

735 people liked it

"When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...
...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle."
— Dr. Seuss (Fox in Socks)

tags: childrens, humor

431 people liked it

"Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind."
— Cervantes (Don Quixote)

tags: books, humor, reading

316 people liked it

""I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.""
— A. Whitney Brown

tags: humor

100 people liked it

"“If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?”"
— Tom Snyder

tags: humor

51 people liked it

"I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly."
— Mark Twain

tags: humor

22 people liked it

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