Alex's quotes

(showing 1-48 of 48)

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."
— Abraham Lincoln

tags: wisdom
9,325 people liked it

"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
— Woody Allen

tags: death, fear, humor, life
2,763 people liked it

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
— Mark Twain

tags: humor
2,035 people liked it

"Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it."
— Mark Twain

tags: truth
1,873 people liked it

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
— Oscar Wilde

tags: intelligence, self-deprecation
7,617 people liked it

"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."
— Albert Camus

tags: friends, friendship
9,521 people liked it

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
— Mark Twain

tags: lies, lying, memory, truth
9,475 people liked it

"If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything."
— Malcolm X

tags: belief, integrity
6,621 people liked it

"Silence is a true friend who never betrays.

سكوت تنها دوستي ست كه هيچ گاه رازت را فاش نمي كند."
— Confucius

tags: كنفسيوس
65 people liked it

"A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool."
— William Shakespeare (As You Like It)

tags: wisdom
6,416 people liked it

"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win."
— Mahatma Gandhi

tags: conflict, fighting, inspirational, trial
1,332 people liked it

"If you make a mistake and do not correct it, this is called a mistake."
— Confucius

tags: inspirational, كنفسيوس
394 people liked it

"It takes a great man to be a good listener."
— Calvin Coolidge

tags: greatness, listening, wisdom
19 people liked it

"I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER"."
— Groucho Marx (Groucho and Me)

tags: clique, clubs, humor, membership
420 people liked it

"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music."
— George Carlin

tags: dance, dancing, music
970 people liked it

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

tags: funny, humour
957 people liked it

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

tags: funny, humour
329 people liked it

"A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

tags: funny, humour
207 people liked it

"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."
— Rodney Dangerfield

tags: crime, funny, humour
256 people liked it

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers."
— Rodney Dangerfield

tags: funny, humour, neighborhoods
129 people liked it

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it."
— Rodney Dangerfield

tags: crime, funny, humour, neighborhoods
519 people liked it

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says 'shut the fuck up!'"
— Rodney Dangerfield

tags: fuck, funny, humour, libraries, neighborhoods, profanity
420 people liked it

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."
— Rodney Dangerfield

tags: funny, humour, infidelity, parenthood, parenting, sexuality
155 people liked it

"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"
— Jerry Seinfeld

tags: books, funny
544 people liked it

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."
— Steven Wright

tags: amnesia, humor, memory
759 people liked it

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough"
— Mae West

tags: humor, life
8,941 people liked it

"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom."
— Aristotle

tags: wisdom
1,680 people liked it

"People are different. And it is best that way."
— Mark Twain

4 people liked it

"When in doubt tell the truth. It will confound your enemies and astound your friends."
— Mark Twain

5 people liked it

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "
— George Carlin

tags: christmas, sex
87 people liked it

"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."
— George Carlin

34 people liked it

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
— George Carlin

37 people liked it

"Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."
— George Carlin

32 people liked it

"Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did."
— George Carlin

31 people liked it

"People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?"
— George Carlin

27 people liked it

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
— George Carlin

20 people liked it

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."
— George Carlin

20 people liked it

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
— George Carlin

tags: humor, insanity, lies, lying, self-indulgence, truth
1,387 people liked it

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
— George Carlin

tags: stupid
175 people liked it

"Reality continues to ruin my life."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

tags: calvin-and-hobbes, humor, life
2,660 people liked it

"Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know."
— Laozi (Tao Teh Ching)

tags: philosophy, wayfinding
209 people liked it

"I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into."
— George Carlin (Brain Droppings)

tags: humor
3 people liked it

"I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better."
— George Carlin

3 people liked it

"What's another word for thesaurus?"
— Steven Wright

tags: humor
93 people liked it

"I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
— Steven Wright

tags: humor, monopoly
22 people liked it

"It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature."
— Steven Wright

tags: humor
23 people liked it

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. "
— Steven Wright

tags: failure, humor, success
21 people liked it

"Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live."
— them

7 people liked it

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amnesia
belief
conflict
crime
dancing
failure
fear
fighting
friendship
fuck
funny
greatness
humor
humour
infidelity
insanity
libraries
lies
life
listening
lying
memory
music
neighborhoods
parenthood
parenting
philosophy
profanity
self-deprecation
self-indulgence
sex
sexuality
success
trial
truth
كنفسيوس
Christmas
Humor
books
calvin-and-hobbes
clique
clubs
dance
death
friends
funny
humor
humor monopoly
inspirational
inspirational
integrity
intelligence
membership
stupid
truth
wayfinding
wisdom
كنفسيوس