"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim."
— Nora Ephron

"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "
— W.C. Fields

"In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things, does the heart find its morning and is refreshed."
— Kahlil Gibran

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
— Steven Wright

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
— Steven Wright

"We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe."
— Lewis Black (Me of Little Faith)

"You know you're putting a good thing out into the universe when you put on glitter."
— Drew Barrymore

"
There's something liberating about not pretending. Dare to embarrass yourself. Risk. "
— Drew Barrymore

"Would you do to someone else what you do to yourself?"
— Dr. Oz

"I think there's just one kind of folks. Folks."
— Harper Lee (To Kill a Mockingbird)

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth."
— Mark Twain

"Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it."
— Mark Twain

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been."
— Mark Twain

"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken."
— Oscar Wilde

"Some people have a way with words....some people....not have way."
— Steve Martin (Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life)

"For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness, For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people, For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry, For Beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day, For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others."
— Audrey Hepburn

"I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things that I haven't."
— Lucille Ball

"Tina Fey: "It has been said that to write is to live forever."

Steve Martin: "The man who said that is dead."

Fey: "Yet, we all know the importance of writing, because every great movie begins with a great screenplay."

Martin: "Or, a very good idea for the poster. But usually, with a screenplay."

Fey: "And every writer starts with a blank page."

Martin: "And every blank page was once a tree."

Fey: "And every tree was once a tiny seed."

Martin: "And every tiny seed on Earth was placed here by the alien king Rondelay, to foster our titrates and fuel our positive transfers!"
"
— Steve Martin

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?"
— Chris Rock

"You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.

Yeah! Every time somebody get shut we’d say, ‘Damn, he must have done something... Shit, he’s got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass.’

And people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost five thousand dollars. ‘Man I would blow your fucking head off…if I could afford it.’ ‘I’m gonna get me another job, I’m going to start saving some money, and you’re a dead man. You’d better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.’

So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like "I believe you got my property.""
— Chris Rock

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
— Ellen DeGeneres

"Living is Easy with Your Eyes Closed."
— John Lennon

"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored."
— Aldous Huxley

"Steak is like the tuxedo of meats - and baloney is like his slow cousin. If you're eating steak, something special is going to happen. If you're eating baloney, you might be special."
— Jim Gaffigan

"My skin is kind of sort of brownish pinkish yellowish white. My eyes are greyish blueish green, but I'm told they look orange in the night. My hair is reddish blondish brown, but its silver when its wet, and all the colors I am inside have not been invented yet."
— Shel Silverstein (Where the Sidewalk Ends)

"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be."
— Shel Silverstein

"You can judge a man's true character by the way he treats his fellow animals."
— Paul McCartney

"Our task must be to free ourselves . . . by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty. Nothing will benefit human health and increase chances of survival for life on earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet."
— Albert Einstein

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."
— Bill Watterson

"Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?'"
— Bill Watterson

"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are."
— Bill Watterson

"If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently. "
— Bill Watterson

"I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."
— Bill Watterson

"A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

""God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind that I will never die."
"
— Bill Watterson

"Calvin:Why are you crying mom?
Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.
Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

"The human body has no more need for cows' milk than it does for dogs' milk, horses' milk, or giraffes' milk."
— Michael Klaper

"The true American patriot is by definition skeptical of the government."
— Sarah Vowell (The Partly Cloudy Patriot)

"If I looked in the mirror someday and saw no dark circles under my eyes, I would probably look better. I just wouldn't look like me. "
— Sarah Vowell (Take the Cannoli)

"You can do one of two things; just shut up, which is something I don't find easy, or learn an awful lot very fast, which is what I tried to do."
— Jane Fonda

"The biggest mistake a woman can make is not to be herself in public or private."
— Diane Von Furstenberg

"You're always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company."
— Diane Von Furstenberg

"What you see before you, my friend, is the result of a lifetime of chocolate."
— Katharine Hepburn

"When you see someone putting on his Big Boots, you can be pretty sure that an Adventure is going to happen."
— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
— A.A. Milne

"Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one."
— E.B. White

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough"
— Mae West

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."
— Theodore Roosevelt

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
— Oscar Wilde

"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."
— Garrison Keillor