George's quotes

(showing 1-47 of 47)

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
— Oscar Wilde

tags: intelligence, self-deprecation
7,328 people liked it

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
— C.S. Lewis

tags: friendship
7,189 people liked it

"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."
— Robert Maynard Hutchins

tags: exercise, humor, laziness
5,793 people liked it

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
— Douglas Adams

tags: deadlines, humor, work
5,240 people liked it

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
— Douglas Adams

tags: life
3,616 people liked it

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

tags: humor, scifi
3,225 people liked it

"Humans think they are smarter than dolphins because we build cars and buildings and start wars etc...and all that dolphins do is swim in the water, eat fish and play around. Dolphins believe that they are smarter for exactly the same reasons."
— Douglas Adams

tags: humour
1,976 people liked it

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer"
— Douglas Adams

tags: humor, wit
1,399 people liked it

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

tags: humor
1,321 people liked it

"The Guide says that there is an art to flying,” said Ford, “or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
— Douglas Adams

tags: flight, flying, hg2g, humor
1,182 people liked it

"The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be."
— Douglas Adams

tags: humor, perspective, science
1,005 people liked it

"A learning experience is one of those things that says, "You know that thing you just did? Don't do that.""
— Douglas Adams (The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time)

tags: life
435 people liked it

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."
— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

tags: adams, douglas
262 people liked it

"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws."
— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

tags: fiction, humor, novelist, science
169 people liked it

"I don't want to die! I've still got a headache! I don't want to go to heaven with a headache, I'd be all cross and wouldn't enjoy it!"
— Douglas Adams

tags: humor
156 people liked it

"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."
— Douglas Adams

145 people liked it

""So this is it. We're going to die."
"Yes...except...No! Wait a minute, what's this switch?"
"What? Where?"
"No, I was only fooling. We are going to die after all." "
— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

tags: humor, science
124 people liked it

""You know," said Arthur, "it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young."
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen.""
— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

117 people liked it

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)

tags: happiness
1,585 people liked it

"Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?"
"Yes," said Harry stiffly.
"Yes, sir."
"There's no need to call me "sir" Professor."
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)

tags: humor, rebellion, sarcasm
785 people liked it

"Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

tags: hermione
695 people liked it

"Percy wouldn't notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of
Dobby's hats."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)

tags: humor
402 people liked it

"He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)

tags: humor, shampoo
377 people liked it

"'Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?' Harry interrupted again.

'So he can sneak up on people,' said Ron. 'Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking...'"
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)

tags: humor, sarcasm
304 people liked it

"You could say sorry," suggested Harry bluntly.
"What, and get attacked by another flock of canaries?" muttered Ron.
"What did you have to imitate her for?"
"She laughed at my mustache!"
"So did I, it was the stupidest thing I've ever seen."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)

tags: humor, mustache
287 people liked it

""How to defend yourself against a banana""
— John Cleese

13 people liked it

"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me. "
— John Cleese

6 people liked it

"You see, I don't belive that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, that has been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians."
— Graham Chapman

tags: libraries
69 people liked it

"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

tags: comedy
61 people liked it

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

tags: humor
46 people liked it

"No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise, fear and surprise; two chief weapons, fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency! Er, among our chief weapons are: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and near fanatical devotion to the Pope! Um, I'll come in again..."
— Graham Chapman

34 people liked it

"This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot."
— Graham Chapman

31 people liked it

"Tis but a scratch!"

"A scratch? Your arm's off!"

"No it isn't."

"Then what's that?"

"Oh come on, pansy!"
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

30 people liked it

""An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition... A contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says."

"No, it's not...""
— Graham Chapman

26 people liked it

"We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!"
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

20 people liked it

"One, two, ... five!"
"Three, my lord."
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

18 people liked it

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition..."
— Graham Chapman

13 people liked it

"I am known by many names, but you may call me...Tim."
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

11 people liked it

"Dennis the Peasant: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: You can't expect to wield supreme power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!"
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

tags: divine-right-of-kings, government, king-arthur, monarchy
11 people liked it

"In 1945, peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again."
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python's Flying Circus)

tags: humor
8 people liked it

"When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled."
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

tags: humor, sir-robin
6 people liked it

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
— Groucho Marx

tags: books, humor, reading, television
2,795 people liked it

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."
— Groucho Marx

tags: books, humor, reading
735 people liked it

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
— Groucho Marx

tags: classic-insult
367 people liked it

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
— Groucho Marx

331 people liked it

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself."
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor, wisdom
123 people liked it

"“Meow” means “woof” in cat. "
— George Carlin

tags: animals, cats, dogs, humor, language
316 people liked it

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