"If I had to tell you how humans made their way to Earth, it would go like this: In the beginning, there was nothing at all but the moon and the sun. And the moon wanted to come out during the day, but there was something so much brighter that seemed to fill up all those hours. The moon grew hungry, thinner and thinner, until she was just a slice of herself, and her tips were as sharp as a knife. By accident, because that is the way most things happen, she poked a hole in the night and out spilled a million stars, like a fountain of tears.

Horrified, the moon tried to swallow them up. And sometimes this worked, because she got fatter and rounder.. But mostly it didn't, because there were just so many. The stars kept coming, until they made the sky so bright that the sun got jealous. He invited the stars to his side of the world, where it was always bright. What he didn't tell them, though, was that in the daytime, they'd never be seen. So the stupid ones leaped from the sky to the ground, and they froze under the weight of their own foolishness.

The moon did her best. She carved each of these blocks of sorrow into a man or a woman. She spent the rest of her time watching out so that her other stars wouldn't fall. She spent the rest of her time holding onto whatever scraps she had left.

"
— Jodi Picoult

"It's disappointing to know that someone can see right through you."
— Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
— Steve Martin

"Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse."
— Thomas Stephen Szasz

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
— Groucho Marx

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch."
— Orson Welles

"chicken is good beef is better"
— natanwelch

"Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry."
— Terry Pratchett (Thief of Time)

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."
— Rodney Dangerfield

"You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!"
— Lauren Myracle (ttfn)

"There's something strange about this big pink bunny..."
— Lauren Myracle (l8r, g8r)

"My heart was taken by you... broken by you... and now it is in pieces because of you.

"
— idk

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
— Robert A. Heinlein

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. "
— W.C. Fields

"There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"There's no cryin' in baseball!"
— Tom Hanks

"There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)"
— D.J. MacHale (The Quillan Games)

"When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout"
— Robert A. Heinlein

"In nineteen minutes, you can mow the front lawn; color your hair; watch a third of a hockey game. In nineteen minutes, you can bake scones or get a tooth filled by a dentist; you can fold laundry for a family of five.
In nineteen minutes, you can stop the world; or you can just jump off it. "
— Jodi Picoult (Nineteen Minutes)

"Something still exists as long as there's someone around to remember it. "
— Jodi Picoult (Nineteen Minutes)

"After a certain point, a heart with so many stress fractures can never be anything but broken."
— Jodi Picoult (Salem Falls)

"Heroes didn't leap tall buildings or stop bullets with an outstretched hand; they didn't wear boots and capes. They bled, and they bruised, and their superpowers were as simple as listening, or loving. Heroes were ordinary people who knew that even if their own lives were impossibly knotted, they could untangle someone else's. And maybe that one act could lead someone to rescue you right back."
— Jodi Picoult (Second Glance)

" Shooting stars are not stars at all. They re just rocks that enter the atmosphere and catch fire under friction. What we wish on when we see one is only a trail of debris."
— Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)

"Sometimes to get what you want the most, you have to do what you want the least."
— Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)

"A real friend isn't capable of feeling sorry for you."
— Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)

"Things had a way of working out for the best when you let them run their course."
— Jodi Picoult (Plain Truth)

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
— Jack Handey

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying’. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did’."
— Jack Handey

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is...and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."
— Jack Handey

"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic."
— Jack Handey

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."
— Jack Handey

"When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, 'No speaka English.'"
— Jack Handey

"The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!"
— Jack Handey