Amanda's quotes

(showing 1-50 of 74)

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

tags: humor, scifi
3,359 people liked it

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
— Robert A. Heinlein

tags: cats, humor, women
3,942 people liked it

"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
— Woody Allen

tags: death, fear, humor, life
2,842 people liked it

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
— Terry Pratchett (Jingo)

tags: humor, proverb
2,071 people liked it

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. "
— W.C. Fields

tags: humor, sinister
2,112 people liked it

"It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life."
— Terry Pratchett (The Last Continent)

tags: death, humor, life
894 people liked it

"My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: humor, taste
758 people liked it

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
— Charles Lamb

tags: humor, work
697 people liked it

"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: history, humor, writing
638 people liked it

"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."
— Oscar Wilde (The Importance of Being Earnest)

tags: children, humor, parents
355 people liked it

"A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar."
— Carolyn G. Heilbrun

tags: books, humor
549 people liked it

"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. "
— Bill Gates

tags: humor, work
3,868 people liked it

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
— Albert Einstein

tags: humor, insanity, life
9,895 people liked it

"The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid."
— Jane Austen (Northanger Abbey)

tags: books, classic, humor
5,702 people liked it

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
— Mark Twain

tags: humor, politics
1,568 people liked it

"But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"
— Mark Twain

tags: humor, satan
1,218 people liked it

"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."
— Woody Allen

tags: humor, life, sex
1,109 people liked it

"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
— Lily Tomlin

tags: humor, life, race, rat
490 people liked it

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
— Douglas Adams

tags: deadlines, humor, work
5,491 people liked it

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
— Groucho Marx

tags: books, humor, reading, television
2,942 people liked it

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you."
— Rita Mae Brown

tags: humor, insanity
2,598 people liked it

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

tags: humor, movies
2,314 people liked it

"Inconceivable!"
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

tags: funny, humor, inconceivable, movies
1,773 people liked it

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said 'I don't know'."
— Mark Twain

tags: humor, knowledge
1,499 people liked it

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."
— Groucho Marx

tags: books, humor, reading
782 people liked it

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
— Robin Williamson

tags: humor, men
434 people liked it

"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong, it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."
— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

tags: humor, systems
338 people liked it

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me."
— Alice Roosevelt Longworth

tags: humor
116 people liked it

"I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything."
— Geoff Johns (Teen Titans Vol. 3: Beast Boys and Girls)

tags: humor
116 people liked it

"Someday we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny."
— Bruce Springsteen

tags: humor
92 people liked it

"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."
— Garrison Keillor

tags: humor, religion
4,116 people liked it

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
— George Carlin

tags: humor, insanity, lies, lying, self-indulgence, truth
1,435 people liked it

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
— George Burns

tags: humor, politics
191 people liked it

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
— Lily Tomlin

tags: complain, humor
126 people liked it

"The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life."
— Garrison Keillor

tags: humor, politics
95 people liked it

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
— Robin P. Williams

tags: drugs, humor, reality
78 people liked it

"It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word."
— Andrew Jackson

tags: humor, intelligence, spelling
68 people liked it

"Why is it no one sent me yet one perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it's always just my luck to get one perfect rose."
— Dorothy Parker

tags: humor
15 people liked it

"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."
— Robert Maynard Hutchins

tags: exercise, humor, laziness
6,038 people liked it

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
— Albert Einstein

tags: humor
1,718 people liked it

"Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'

'I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!'"
— Lewis Carroll

tags: beliefs, breakfast, humor, impossible
280 people liked it

"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl

tags: food, humor
239 people liked it

"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
— Mark Twain

tags: bank, bankers, humor
258 people liked it

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields

tags: food, humor, wine
184 people liked it

"I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food"
— Erma Bombeck

tags: food, humor
143 people liked it

"Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.
Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.
And it always feels good."
— Lora Brody

tags: chocolate, food, humor, sex
118 people liked it

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin

tags: food, humor, mothers
106 people liked it

"Housework can kill you if done right."
— Erma Bombeck

tags: chores, housekeeping, humor
77 people liked it

"If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember."
— Terry Pratchett (Lords and Ladies)

tags: cats, humor, life
773 people liked it

"People, generally, suck."
— Christopher Moore

tags: humor
663 people liked it

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