"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
— Groucho Marx

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
— Groucho Marx

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."
— Groucho Marx

"Humor is reason gone mad."
— Groucho Marx

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'."
— Groucho Marx

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
— Groucho Marx

"I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER"."
— Groucho Marx (Groucho and Me)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
— Groucho Marx

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
— Groucho Marx

"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know. "
— Groucho Marx

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others."
— Groucho Marx

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, How he got in my pajamas I'll never know."
— Groucho Marx

"Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it."
— Groucho Marx

"I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that."
— Groucho Marx

"I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal."
— Groucho Marx

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
— Groucho Marx

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."
— Groucho Marx

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself."
— Groucho Marx

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
— Groucho Marx

"Room service? Send up a larger room."
— Groucho Marx

"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. "
— Groucho Marx

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
— Groucho Marx

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
— Groucho Marx

"If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong."
— Groucho Marx

"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while"
— Groucho Marx

"Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
— Groucho Marx

"I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks."
— Groucho Marx

"The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar."
— Groucho Marx

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
— Groucho Marx

"Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere."
— Groucho Marx

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
— Groucho Marx

"we'll meet at the theater tonight. i'll hold your seat 'til you get there; once you get there ... you're on your own."
— Groucho Marx

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
— Groucho Marx

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

"Was that you or the duck?"
— Groucho Marx

"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun. "
— Groucho Marx

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
— Groucho Marx

"time wounds all heels"
— Groucho Marx

"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."
— Groucho Marx

"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
— Groucho Marx

"My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one."
— Groucho Marx

"Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms. "
— Groucho Marx

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
— Groucho Marx

"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
— Groucho Marx (The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx)

"The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths."
— Groucho Marx

"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. "
— Groucho Marx

"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again"
— Groucho Marx

"I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's."
— Groucho Marx

"No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend."
— Groucho Marx