"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."
— Garrison Keillor

"I have always imagined that Paradise will be some kind of library."
— Jorge Luis Borges

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
— Albert Einstein

"So many books, so little time."
— Frank Zappa

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

"Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry."
— Terry Pratchett (Thief of Time)

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
— C.S. Lewis

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells."
— Dr. Seuss

"Fairy tales, are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated."
— G.K. Chesterton

"I'm not a goddamned faith healer! I don't talk to God! I'm a mechanic and her goddamned engine was broken!
--Joanne "
— C.E. Murphy (Urban Shaman)

"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."
— George Carlin

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
— George Carlin

"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."
— George Carlin (When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?)

"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music."
— George Carlin

"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
— George Carlin

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
— George Carlin

"Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?"
— George Carlin

"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. "
— George Carlin (George Carlin Reads to You)

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."
— George Carlin

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.'"
— George Carlin

"Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss.
[WHAM! CRUNCH!]
"Look, they nearly missed!"
"Yes, but not quite."
— George Carlin

""He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.""
— George Carlin

"Umbridge: When you first came to Hogwarts, you applied for Defense Against the Dark Arts position
Snape: Yes
Umbridge: And you were unsuccesful...?
Snape: Obviously
Ron: *smirk*
Umbridge: *leaves*
Snape: *smacks Ron in back of head*
(from the movie)"
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

"So? He was stupid. If I killed everyone who was stupid, I wouldn't have time to sleep."
— Tamora Pierce (In the Hand of the Goddess)

""A girl nearby muttered,"If that's a lady, I'm a cat."
Reaching out, Sandry lifted the pitcher of milk from the table. Cradling it in both hands, she walked over to the mutterer.
"I am Sandrilene fa Toren, daughter of Count Mattin fer Toren and his countess, Amiliane fa Landreg. I am the great-niece of his grace, Duke Vedris of this realm of Emelan, and cousin of her Imperial Highness, Empress Berenene of the Namorn Empire. You are Esmelle ei Pragin, daughter of Baron Witten en Pragin and his lady Colledia of House Wheelwright, a merchant house. If I tell you my friend is a lady, then you"- carefully she poured milk into Esmelle's plate-"you had best start lapping, kitty."
She set the pitcher down and returned to her chair. " "
— Tamora Pierce (Sandry's Book)

"I'd like to find whoever taught the Stump that extra work builds character and push him down the stairs," Neal told Kel at lunch."
— Tamora Pierce (First Test)

"You are a bloody-minded savage. I hope you are kidnapped by centaurs."
— Tamora Pierce

"When people say a knight's job is all glory, I laugh and laugh and laugh. Often I can stop laughing before they edge away and talk about soothing drinks."
— Tamora Pierce

"I cannot for the life of me understand why small children take so long to grow up. I think they do it deliberately, just to annoy me.
"
— Agatha Trunchbull ( Roald Dahl's Matilda)

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
— Phyllis Diller

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
— Robin P. Williams

"Oh Captain, My Captain"
— Robin Williams, Dead Poets Society

"If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?"
— Robin P. Williams

""Your first command together was less than successful. You are all dead" -- Tuvok (Learning Curve)"
— star trek voyager

""Commander Chakotay was just showing me how to get in contact with my animal guide" -- Janeway
"I hope you have better luck with yours than I had with mine" -- B'Elanna
"B'Elanna is the only person I know who tried to kill her animal guide" -- Chakotay (The Cloud) "
— Chakotay

"Bethany: What's he like?
Metatron: God? Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too."
— metatron

"I picked up one of the books and flipped through it. Don't get me wrong, I like reading. But some books should come with warning labels: Caution: contains characters and plots guaranteed to induce sleepiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery after ingesting more than one chapter. Has been known to cause blindness, seizures and a terminal loathing of literature. Should only be taken under the supervision of a highly trained English teacher. Preferably one who grades on the curve."
— Laurie Halse Anderson (Twisted)

"Don't mark up the Library's copy, you fool! Librarians are Unprankable. They'll track you down! They have skills!"
— Charles Ogden

"Don't put your wand into your back pocket! Better wizards then you have lost buttocks from it!"
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

"You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.

Yeah! Every time somebody get shut we’d say, ‘Damn, he must have done something... Shit, he’s got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass.’

And people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost five thousand dollars. ‘Man I would blow your fucking head off…if I could afford it.’ ‘I’m gonna get me another job, I’m going to start saving some money, and you’re a dead man. You’d better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.’

So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like "I believe you got my property.""
— Chris Rock

"Normal is just a cycle on the washing machine."
— Whoopie Goldberg

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
— Jerry Seinfeld (SeinLanguage)

"Objectively I'd say I'm very smart, although it has nothing to do with my ass. "
— Dr. Temperance Brennan