"There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter."
— Christopher Moore

"Actually, orcas aren't quite as complex as scientists imagine. Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"He invented Kung Fu when translated to English means method by which short, bald guys can kick the bejeezus out of you."
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"So nerds rule."
— Christopher Moore (The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove)

"I've won Satan's lottery."
— Christopher Moore (Bloodsucking Fiends)

"The netherworld is timeless and unchanging, and boring -- much like a doctor's waiting room."
— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)

"Science you don't know looks like magic."
— Christopher Moore

"Do we look like thrill-seekers? Wasn't it enough that we had to put up that sign reading NO HABLA ESPANOL and acknowledge the existence of thirty percent of the population, even in the negative?"
— Christopher Moore

"...as if someone had thrown a hand grenade into the middle of a teddy bear orgy and the only survivors had had their fur blown off."
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island."
— Christopher Moore

"Fuckstockings!"
— Christopher Moore

"She's so small, yet she contains so much evil."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"I can be most colorful and inventive when I am angry."
— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)

"Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place."
— Christopher Moore

""Which is why you chose to wear that delightful ensemble from the skank-wear collection at Hoes-n-Thangs?" -Tommy"
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

""I'm thinking of being a professional mourner. How hard can it be? Tear at your hair, sing a dirge or two, take the rest of the week off.""
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"People, generally, suck."
— Christopher Moore

"Love: the sickest of Irony’s sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die."
— Christopher Moore (Coyote Blue)

"The problem with being nuts, she thought, is that you don't always feel as if you're nuts. Sometimes, in fact, you feel perfectly sane, and there just happens to be a trailer-shaped dragon crouching in the lot next door."
— Christopher Moore

"They want to be tied up, I tie them up. They want to be spanked, I spank them. They want to be called names, I call them names. But try and drink a little of their blood, and they scream like babies. What about my needs?"
— Christopher Moore

"Why is it one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere, but one must busta cap in someone's ass?"
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

""Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him....""
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"God put me on earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I’m so far behind, I’ll never die."
— Bill Watterson

"In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."
— Bill Watterson

"Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto "
— Scott Adams

"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? "
— Scott Adams

"The best you can hope for in a relationship is to find
someone whose flaws are the sort you don’t mind. It is
futile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someone
who is capable of significant change; that sort of person
exists only in our imaginations."
— Scott Adams (God's Debris: A Thought Experiment)

"When did ignorance become a point of view?"
— Scott Adams

"If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts."
— Scott Adams (Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel)

"The thing under my bed waiting to grab my ankle isn't real. I know that, and I also know that if I'm careful to keep my foot under the covers, it will never be able to grab my ankle."
— Stephen King (Night Shift)

"The beauty of religious mania is that it has the power to explain everything. Once God (or Satan) is accepted as the first cause of everything which happens in the mortal world, nothing is left to chance...logic can be happily tossed out the window."
— Stephen King

"I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. I'm not proud. "
— Stephen King

"I think that we're all mentally ill. Those of us outside the asylums only hide it a little better - and maybe not all that much better after all."
— Stephen King

"I'm having a magenta day. Not just red, but magenta!"
— Stephen King (Needful Things)

"Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness."
— Stephen King

"Schizoid behavior is a pretty common thing in children. It's accepted, because all we adults have this unspoken agreement that children are lunatics."
— Stephen King

""Nobody likes a clown at midnight""
— Stephen King

"There's no bitch on earth like a mother frightened for her kids."
— Stephen King

"The 3 types of terror: The Gross-out: the sight of a severed head tumbling down a flight of stairs, it's when the lights go out and something green and slimy splatters against your arm. The Horror: the unnatural, spiders the size of bears, the dead waking up and walking around, it's when the lights go out and something with claws grabs you by the arm. And the last and worse one: Terror, when you come home and notice everything you own had been taken away and replaced by an exact substitute. It's when the lights go out and you feel something behind you, you hear it, you feel its breath against your ear, but when you turn around, there's nothing there..."
— Stephen King

"I don't believe in any actual thinking God that marks the fall of every bird in Australia or every bug in India, a God that records all of our sins in a big golden book and judges us when we die - I don't want to believe in a God who would deliberately create bad people and then deliberately send them to roast in a hell He created-but I believe there has to be something"
— Stephen King

"I think if human beings had genuine courage, they'd wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween. Wouldn't life be more interesting that way? And now that I think about it, why the heck don't they? Who made the rule that everybody has to dress like sheep 364 days of the year? Think of all the people you'd meet if they were in costume every day. People would be so much easier to talk to - like talking to dogs. "
— Douglas Coupland (The Gum Thief: A Novel)

"Pick a man, any man. Every guy I fall for becomes Jesus Christ within the first twenty-four hours of our relationship. I know that this happens, I see it happening, I even feel myself, sometimes, standing at some temporal crossroads, some distinct moment at which I can walk away and keep it from happening, but I never do. I grab at everything, I end up with nothing, and then I feel bereft. I mourn for the loss of something I never even had."
— Elizabeth Wurtzel (Prozac Nation)

"Madness is too glamorous a term to convey what happens to most people who are losing their minds. That word is too exciting, too literary, too interesting in its connotations, to convey the boredom, the slowness, the dreariness, the dampness of depression…depression is pure dullness, tedium straight up. Depression is, especially these days, an overused term to be sure, but never one associated with anything wild, anything about dancing all night with a lampshade on your head and then going home and killing yourself…The word madness allows its users to celebrate the pain of its sufferers, to forget that underneath all the acting-out and quests for fabulousness and fine poetry, there is a person in huge amounts of dull, ugly agony...Remember that when you’re at the point at which you’re doing something as desperate and violent as sticking your head in an oven, it is only because the life that preceded this act felt even worse. Think about living in depression from moment to moment, and know it is not worth any of the great art that comes as its by-product."
— Elizabeth Wurtzel (Prozac Nation)

"Maybe being an adult wasn't crossing some arbitrary age line into wisdom. Maybe it was like anything else - training wheels and mistakes, trial and error, and now and again that feeling that you might have wings."
— Megan Crane (Frenemies)

"I had a rule about stilettos, and it was this: I didn't wear them unless I planned to kick ass in them. Stilettos were for striding and sauntering, never sulking."
— Megan Crane (Frenemies)

"Adulthood is knowing that a fully realized character is always more important than the lines."
— Megan Crane (English as a Second Language)

"“Great music completely obliterates any conceptions of genre.”"
— Billy Corgan

"Trying to describe the process of becoming an alcoholic is like trying to describe air. It's too big and mysterious and pervasive to be defined. Alcohol is everywhere in your life, omnipresent, and you're both aware and unaware of it almost all the time, all you know is you'd die without it, and there is no simple reason why this happens, no single moment, no physiological event that pushes a heavy drinker across a concrete line into alcoholism. It's a slow, gradual, insidious, elusive becoming."
— Caroline Knapp

"The dog’s agenda is simple, fathomable, overt: I want. “I want to go out, come in, eat something, lie here, play with that, kiss you. There are no ulterior motives with a dog, no mind games, no second-guessing, no complicated negotiations or bargains, and no guilt trips or grudges if a request is denied."
— Caroline Knapp