Anya's quotes

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"If I ever meet myself, I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me."
— Douglas Adams

tags: humor, zaphod
154 people liked it

"Eragon looked back at him, confused. 'I don't understand.'

'Of course you don't,' said Brom impatiently. 'That's why I'm teaching you and not the other way around....'"
— Christopher Paolini (Eragon)

tags: education, humor
142 people liked it

"Where is Wood?" said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there.
"Still in the showers," said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)

tags: humor
190 people liked it

"I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead."
— Mark Twain

tags: humor
160 people liked it

"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."
— Robert Maynard Hutchins

tags: exercise, humor, laziness
5,903 people liked it

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
— Mark Twain

tags: humor, procrastination
5,649 people liked it

"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. "
— Bill Gates

tags: humor, work
3,744 people liked it

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."
— Mark Twain

tags: books, friends, friendship, life
3,916 people liked it

"I love mankind, it's people I can't stand."
— Charles M. Schulz

tags: humor, mankind, people
3,186 people liked it

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
— Groucho Marx

tags: books, humor, reading, television
2,866 people liked it

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

tags: humor, movies
2,245 people liked it

"Inconceivable!"
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

tags: funny, humor, inconceivable, movies
1,723 people liked it

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer"
— Douglas Adams

tags: humor, wit
1,439 people liked it

"Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it."
— David Sedaris

tags: humor, perception, retardation
415 people liked it

"Inigo Montoya: That Vizzini, he can *fuss*.
Fezzik: Fuss, fuss... I think he like to scream at *us*.
Inigo Montoya: Probably he means no *harm*.
Fezzik: He's really very short on *charm*.
Inigo Montoya: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini: Enough of that.
Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead.
Vizzini: No more rhyming now, I mean it.
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: DYEEAAHHHHHH."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

tags: humor, movie, rhyming
406 people liked it

"...Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention."
— Christopher Paolini (Eragon)

tags: common, humor, sense, smart
395 people liked it

"It is always cruel to laugh at people, of course, although sometimes if they are wearing an ugly hat it is hard to control yourself."
— Lemony Snicket

tags: hats, humor
397 people liked it

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."
— Dorothy Parker

tags: humor, money
323 people liked it

"I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it."
— Mae West

tags: humor
420 people liked it

"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door."
— Jerry Seinfeld

tags: dance, humor, music, radio, shower
327 people liked it

"Miracles are like meatballs, because nobody can exactly agree on what they are made of, where they come from, or how often they should appear."
— Lemony Snicket (The Carnivorous Carnival)

tags: humor, miracles
340 people liked it

"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone."
— Dorothy Parker

tags: beauty, classic-insult, humor, ugly
350 people liked it

"Inigo: I donna suppose you could speed things up?

Westley: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do.

Inigo: I could do that. I have some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.

Westley: That does put a damper on our relationship."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

tags: humor, movie, trust
273 people liked it

"Have fun storming the castle!"
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

tags: books, castles, humor, movie
274 people liked it

"So what? All writers are lunatics!"
— Cornelia Funke (Inkspell)

tags: humor, writing
239 people liked it

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
— Abraham Lincoln

tags: humor
210 people liked it

"I never avoid something that challenges my guts and my heart. While I might occasionally puke my guts out, I have never puked my heart out."
— Michael Scott

tags: funny, humor, office
221 people liked it

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself."
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor, wisdom
130 people liked it

"Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all."
— Jane Austen

tags: humor, jane-austen
91 people liked it

"'Wanda?' Kyle said.
'Yes?'
'I'm sorry.'
'Um . . . why?'
'For trying to kill you,' he said casually. 'Guess I was wrong.'
Ian gasped. 'Please tell me you have some kind of recording device available, Doc.'
'Nope. Sorry, Ian.'
Ian shook his head. 'This moment should be preserved. I never thought I'd live to see the day that Kyle O'Shea would admit to being wrong. C'mon, Jodi. That ought to shock you awake.'"
— Stephenie Meyer (The Host)

tags: humor, ian, kyle
89 people liked it

"Before you Bella my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason. .... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliance, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no reason for anything."
— Stephenie Meyer

1,972 people liked it

"Just like an angry kitten that believes it’s a tiger."
— Stephenie Meyer (Midnight Sun)

tags: humor, philosophy
90 people liked it

""Poison!" Grover yelped. "Don't let those things touch you or..."

"Or we'll die?" I guessed.

"Well...after you shrivel slowly to dust, yes."

"Let's avoid the swords," I decided."
— Rick Riordan (The Battle of the Labyrinth)

tags: dust, humor, poison, shrivel, swords
121 people liked it

"A breeze ruffled the neat hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky, the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen. Harry Potter rolled over inside his blankets without waking up. One small hand closed on the letter beside him and he slept on, not knowing he was special, not knowing he was famous, not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs. Dursley's scream as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles, nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin Dudley...He couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: "To Harry Potter - the boy who lived!"
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone)

tags: dumbledore, humor, knitting
112 people liked it

"Death should take me while I am in the mood."
— Nathaniel Hawthorne (The Blithedale Romance)

tags: death, humor
76 people liked it

""I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious."
"
— Rita Rudner

tags: humor
90 people liked it

"She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts."
— Rick Riordan (The Titan's Curse)

tags: funny, humor
90 people liked it

"Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it."
— Sue Grafton

tags: humor, thought
73 people liked it

"Why does Jared have Sharon in a headlock?" Jamie whispered to Ian.
"She's in a bad mood," Ian stage-whispered back."
— Stephenie Meyer (The Host)

tags: humor, ian, jamie
74 people liked it

"O woe is me,
O woe is me,
I used to have a hamster tree,
But it was eaten by a newt,
And now I have no cuddly fruit..."
— Clive Barker (Abarat)

tags: humor, random
70 people liked it

"George Bush isn't Hitler. He could be if he applied himself."
— Margaret Cho

tags: bush, humor, sucks
70 people liked it

"What happened to happily ever after?

Reality killed it."
— Kenzie

tags: after, ever, happily, humor, reality
67 people liked it

"If real life were a book, it would never find a publisher."
— Jasper Fforde

tags: humor
68 people liked it

"You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha..."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

tags: humor, movie
93 people liked it

"Edward - I wasn't about to send you off alone. With your luck, not even the black box would survive.
Bella - So let's say my bad luck did crash the plane. What exactly were you going to do about it?
Edward - Why is the plane crashing?
He was trying to hide a smile now.
Bella - The pilots are passed out drunk.
Edward - Easy. I'd fly the plane.
Of course. I pursed my lips and tried again.
Bella - Both engines have exploded and we're falling in a death spiral toward the earth.
Edward - I'd wait till we were close enough to the ground, get a good grip on you, kick out the wall, and jump. Then I'd run you back to the scene of the accident, and we'd stumble around like the two luckiest survivors in history.
I stared at him wordlessly.
"What?" he whispered."
— Stephenie Meyer (Eclipse)

tags: humor
1,460 people liked it

"You can't force love, I realized. It's there or it isn't. If it's not there, you've got to be able to admit it. If it is there, you've got to do whatever it takes to protect the ones you love."
— Richelle Mead (Frostbite (Vampire Academy, #2))

tags: fiction, romance
492 people liked it

"You know things are bad when you feel guilty for being rude to vampires."
— Stephenie Meyer (Breaking Dawn)

tags: fantasy, fiction, romance
333 people liked it

"Seth, are you gonna get mad at me if I kill your sister?"
He pretended to think about it for a minute. "Well...yeah, probably."
— Stephenie Meyer (Breaking Dawn)

tags: fantasy, fiction, romance
226 people liked it

"Fiction reveals truth that reality obscures."
— Jessamyn West

tags: books, fiction, reality, truth
220 people liked it

""There's nothing wrong with you, Jake. This isn't the most normal situation."
"Shut up, please, Seth."
"Shutting.""
— Stephenie Meyer (Breaking Dawn)

tags: fantasy, fiction, romance
146 people liked it

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