"[My mom's] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it's her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that."
— Rick Riordan (The Sea of Monsters)

"“A crossbow?” Pigeon asked.
“I left my battle-ax in my other jeans,” the man said."
— Brandon Mull (The Candy Shop War)

"The only thing that would make her jealous would be if I led a parade riding a unicorn while ballerinas sang love songs."
— Brandon Mull (Fablehaven: Grip of the Shadow Plague)

"Could you just call me Pigeon?” he asked the teacher when she read his name.
“Does your mother call you Pigeon?”
“No.”
“Then to me you are Paul.”
...
“Nathan Sutter,” the teacher read.
“My mother never calls me Nathan.”
“Is it Nate?”
“She calls me Honeylips."
— Brandon Mull (The Candy Shop War)

"She refused to think of Neil, brave and quiet, whose reward for a heroic rescue was to be slowly devoured by strange cave balloons."
— Brandon Mull

"I hate how my past actions keep messing up my future options, Seth muttered.
Then you've started down the road to wisdom, Grandpa replied."
— Brandon Mull (Fablehaven: Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary)

"All boys belong in insane asylums"
— Kendra, Fablehaven, Brandon Mull

"The girl with the long brown hair turned around. "Are you her boy friend?" she asked.
Summer glanced from Crystal to Nate and back. Then question made her feel a little awkward. After all, she had saved him a seat.
"No, I'm her fiance," Nate said.
"We've been promised to each other since birth." Summer added.
"Our wedding isn't until March." "
— Brandon Mull (The Candy Shop War)

"Excruciating agony makes me cranky."
— Brandon Mull (Fablehaven: Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary)

""Life is like a fly. You see it in many directions. The ups and downs, the little stuff in between. You go around and around forgetting things, but you always remember the good times...kind of. But the best part of all is that you buzz like and idiot!"
— Delaney Conlon

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. "
— Bill Gates

"Inconceivable!"
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

"Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car."
— G.K. Chesterton

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like."
— Lemony Snicket

"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
— Jerome K. Jerome

"THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. We are here to help you.
2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.
3. The dress code will be enforced.
4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.
5. Our football team will win the championship this year.
6. We expect more of you here.
7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.
8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.
9. Your locker combination is private.
10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.

TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.
2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.
3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.
4. The new text books will arrive any day now.
5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.
6. We are enforcing the dress code.
7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.
8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.
9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.
10. We want to hear what you have to say."
— Laurie Halse Anderson (Speak)

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
— Charles Lamb

"Inigo: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.

Westley: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die. "
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature"
— Dave Barry

"I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness."
— Bill Watterson

"Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!"
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

"Inigo Montoya: That Vizzini, he can *fuss*.
Fezzik: Fuss, fuss... I think he like to scream at *us*.
Inigo Montoya: Probably he means no *harm*.
Fezzik: He's really very short on *charm*.
Inigo Montoya: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini: Enough of that.
Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead.
Vizzini: No more rhyming now, I mean it.
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: DYEEAAHHHHHH."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

"...Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention."
— Christopher Paolini (Eragon)

"I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies."
— Lemony Snicket (The Penultimate Peril)

"Percy wouldn't notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of
Dobby's hats."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)

"If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf."
— Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid)

"Ginny!" said Mr. Weasley, flabbergasted. "Haven't I taught you anything? What have I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps it's brain?"
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)

"Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?"
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)

"As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway."
— Bill Watterson (The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes)

"He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)

"Inigo: I donna suppose you could speed things up?

Westley: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do.

Inigo: I could do that. I have some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.

Westley: That does put a damper on our relationship."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

"CALVIN:
Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor?

When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny.

Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?

HOBBES:
I suppose if we couldn't laugh at the things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life."
— Bill Watterson

"You could say sorry," suggested Harry bluntly.
"What, and get attacked by another flock of canaries?" muttered Ron.
"What did you have to imitate her for?"
"She laughed at my mustache!"
"So did I, it was the stupidest thing I've ever seen."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)

"Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?

Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty.

Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin.

Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."
— Bill Watterson

"Witch king: Fool. No man may can kill me!
Eowyn: (pulls off helmet) I am no man! (kills him)"
— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Lord of the Rings - Return of the King)

"'Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?' Harry interrupted again.

'So he can sneak up on people,' said Ron. 'Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking...'"
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)

""Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can."

Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?"

Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?"

"Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries."

Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom."......I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. "I do not understand."

"I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said.

"And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam t-shirt.""
— Rick Riordan (The Titan's Curse)

"Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?'"
— Bill Watterson

"You'd think people had better things to gossip about," said Ginny as she sat on the common room floor, leaning against Harry’s legs and reading the Daily Prophet. "Three Dementor attacks in a week, and all Romilda Vane does is ask me if it’s true you’ve got a Hippogriff tattooed across your chest."
Ron and Hermione both roared with laughter. Harry ignored them.
"What did you tell her?"
"I told her it's a Hungarian Horntail," said Ginny, turning a page of the newspaper idly. "Much more macho."
"Thanks," said Harry, grinning. "And what did you tell her Ron’s got?"
"A Pygmy Puff, but I didn’t say where."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)

"You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid-we know we're called Gred and Forge."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone)

"It seemed weird calling a teenager 'sir' but I'd learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up."
— Rick Riordan

"In a way, it's nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you're walking away from a bus that's just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it's raining on top of everything else, most people might think that's just really bad luck; when you're a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day."
— Rick Riordan (The Titan's Curse)

"Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my 'furry little problem' in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)

"Where is Wood?" said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there.
"Still in the showers," said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)

"Why are you worrying about YOU-KNOW-WHO, when you should be worrying about YOU-NO-POO? The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!"
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)

"You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed."
— Rick Riordan (The Battle of the Labyrinth)

"'Mistletoe,' said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it.

'Good thinking,' said Luna seriously. 'It's often infested with nargles.'"
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.'"
— Conan O'Brien

"I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)