"Reality continues to ruin my life."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."
— Bill Watterson

"Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?

Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty.

Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin.

Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."
— Bill Watterson

"CALVIN:
Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor?

When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny.

Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?

HOBBES:
I suppose if we couldn't laugh at the things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life."
— Bill Watterson

"Calvin (to Suzy)- You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!"
— Bill Watterson

"Calvin: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report?

Hobbes: (Reading Calvin's paper) "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender modes."

Calvin: Academia, here I come!"
— Bill Watterson (Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat)

"I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky. And if that person can also stand you, you're really lucky."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

"You know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon...everything's different."
— Bill Watterson

"Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?'"
— Bill Watterson

"I'd hate to have a kid like me."
— Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes)

"HOBBES:Do you think there's a God?
CALVIN:Well, somebody's out to get me!"
— Bill Watterson

"CALVIN:
This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery?

If the guy exists why doesn't he ever show himself and prove it?

And if he doesn't exist what's the meaning of all this?

HOBBES:
I dunno. Isn't this a religious holiday?

CALVIN:
Yeah, but actually, I've got the same questions about God."
— Bill Watterson

"I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know."
— Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes)

"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help."
— Bill Watterson

"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. "
— Bill Watterson

"I'm learning skills I will use for the rest of my life by doing homework...procrastinating and negotiation."
— Bill Watterson

"I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple."
— Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes)

"Girls are like slugs—they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what."
— Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes)

"Every time I've built character, I've regretted it."
— Bill Watterson (The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes)

"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are."
— Bill Watterson

"I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point."
— Bill Watterson (It's A Magical World)

"In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."
— Bill Watterson

"They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time, but since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place and just hang around."
— Bill Watterson

"If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life."
— Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes)

"Miss Wormwood: Calvin, your test was an absolute disgrace! It's obvious you haven't read any of the material. Our first president was not Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and you ought to be ashamed to have turned in such preposterous answers!
Calvin: I just don't test well."
— Bill Watterson

"I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal."
— Bill Watterson (The Essential Calvin and Hobbes)

"God put me on earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I’m so far behind, I’ll never die."
— Bill Watterson

"I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world."
— Bill Watterson (The Essential Calvin and Hobbes)

"What fun is it being cool if you can't wear a sombrero?"
— Bill Watterson

"HOBBES:
All this modern technology just makes people try to do everything at once."
— Bill Watterson

"That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!"
— Bill Watterson (Weirdos from Another Planet)

"I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothing, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think?... Then again, if real life was like that, what would we watch on television?"
— Bill Watterson (The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes)

"When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back."
— Bill Watterson

"The center snaps the ball to the quarterback!"
"No he doesn't!"
"He doesn't?"
"NO! Secretly, he's the quarterback for the other team! He keeps the ball!"
"A traitor!"
"Calvin breaks for the goal."
"Wheeee! He's at the 30... the 20... the 10! Nobody can catch him!"
"Nobody wants to! Your running toward your own goal!"
"Huh?!"
"When I learned that you were a spy, I switched goals. This is your goal and mine's hidden!"
"Hidden?!"
"You'll never find it in a million years!"
"I don't need to find it as a traitor to your team, crossing my goal counts as crossing your goal!"
"Ah, so you might think so..."
"In fact, I know so!"
"But the place I hid my goal is right on top of your goal, so the points will go to me!"
"But the fact is, I'm really a double agent! I'm on your team after all, which means you'll lose points if I cross your goal! Ha ha!"
"But I'm a traitor too, so I'm really on your team! I want you to cross my goal! The points will go to your team, which is really my team!"
"That would be true... if I were a football player!"
"You mean...?"
"I'm actually a badminton player disguised as a double-agent football player!!"
"And I'm actually a volleyball-croquet-polo player!"
"Sooner or later, all our games turn into CalvinBall."
"No cheating!"
— Bill Watterson

"Childhood is for spoiling adulthood."
— Bill Watterson (The Days Are Just Packed)

"I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family."
— Bill Watterson (There's Treasure Everywhere)

"Hold it. You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, and then the bears join up with the big bad wolf and eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood! Tell me a story like that, OK?"
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

"If you can't win by reason, go for volume."
— Bill Watterson

"Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words."
— Bill Watterson

"Careful. We don't want to learn from this."
— Bill Watterson

"I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.
–Calvin"
— Bill Watterson

"You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go."
— Bill Watterson (The Essential Calvin and Hobbes)

"If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently. "
— Bill Watterson

"Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless. "
— Bill Watterson

"HOBBES:
Virtue needs some cheaper thrills."
— Bill Watterson

"Calvin : There's no problem so awful, that you cant add some guilt to it and make it even worse."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

"There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do."
— Bill Watterson

"Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat."
— Bill Watterson

"The world isn't fair, Calvin."
"I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?"
— Bill Watterson

"Calvin(hammering nails into coffee table)

Mom:CALVIN WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE COFEE TABLE?!?

Calvin:Is this some sort of trick question, or what?"
— Bill Watterson