"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."
— Abraham Lincoln

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."
— Oscar Wilde

"Be the change that you wish to see in the world."
— Mahatma Gandhi

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
— Robert A. Heinlein

"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."
— Garrison Keillor

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."
— C.S. Lewis

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
— Groucho Marx

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you."
— Rita Mae Brown

"If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales."
— Albert Einstein

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate."
— Charles Dickens

"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."
— Winston Groom (Forrest Gump)

"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand

"Chocolate is, let's face it, far more reliable than a man."
— Miranda Ingram

"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted."
— John Lennon

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
— George Carlin

"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
— Jerome K. Jerome

"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand."
— Kurt Vonnegut

"Life isn’t divided into genres. It’s a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky."
— Alan Moore

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off."
— Stephen King (Storm of the Century: An Original Screenplay)

"I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing."
— Neil Gaiman (The Sandman Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones)

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men."
— Joseph Conrad

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
— Mahatma Gandhi

"Life's hard. It's even harder when you're stupid."
— John Wayne

"THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. We are here to help you.
2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.
3. The dress code will be enforced.
4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.
5. Our football team will win the championship this year.
6. We expect more of you here.
7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.
8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.
9. Your locker combination is private.
10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.

TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.
2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.
3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.
4. The new text books will arrive any day now.
5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.
6. We are enforcing the dress code.
7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.
8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.
9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.
10. We want to hear what you have to say."
— Laurie Halse Anderson (Speak)

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch."
— Orson Welles

"Life is a disease: sexually transmitted, and invariably fatal."
— Neil Gaiman

"My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best."
— Winston S. Churchill

"The thing under my bed waiting to grab my ankle isn't real. I know that, and I also know that if I'm careful to keep my foot under the covers, it will never be able to grab my ankle."
— Stephen King (Night Shift)

"“Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is… Crazy isn’t being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever.”"
— Girl Interrupted

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
— Steve Martin

"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by frost."
— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Fellowship of the Ring)

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
— Oscar Wilde