Kelly's quotes

(showing 1-50 of 82)

"There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers."
— Chelsea Handler (My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands)

tags: alcohol, drinking, drinks, humor
116 people liked it

"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."
— Chelsea Handler (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea)

tags: humor
32 people liked it

""At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer."
"
— Chelsea Handler (My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands)

57 people liked it

""I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture.

At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, “When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?”

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea"
— Chelsea Handler

tags: chelsea-handler
24 people liked it

"(When asked to use "horticulture" in a sentence) You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
— Dorothy Parker (The Portable Dorothy Parker)

tags: horticulture, prostitution, wordplay
166 people liked it

"What fresh hell is this?"
— Dorothy Parker (The Portable Dorothy Parker)

141 people liked it

"They sicken of the calm who know the storm."
— Dorothy Parker

tags: women
125 people liked it

"Don't look at me in that tone of voice."
— Dorothy Parker

tags: humor
157 people liked it

"I hate writing, I love having written."
— Dorothy Parker

83 people liked it

"She was pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go."
— Dorothy Parker

tags: sex
70 people liked it

"So, you're the man who can't spell 'fuck.'"
Dorothy Parker to Norman Mailer after publishers had convinced Mailer to replace the word with a euphemism, 'fug,' in his 1948 book, "The Naked and the Dead."
— Dorothy Parker

59 people liked it

"And if my heart be scarred and burned,
The safer, I, for all I learned."
— Dorothy Parker (Sunset Gun)

tags: inspirational
48 people liked it

"That woman speaks eighteen languages, and she can’t say 'No' in any of them."
— Dorothy Parker

tags: classic-insult, humor
54 people liked it

""This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.""
— Dorothy Parker

tags: raisins, terrible
30 people liked it

"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. "
— Roseanne Barr

tags: feminism, power, women
130 people liked it

"Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles."
— Roseanne Barr

8 people liked it

"If you are going through hell, keep going."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: hell, perseverance
628 people liked it

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: churchill, funny, true, winston
498 people liked it

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: convictions, criticism
512 people liked it

"Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: failure, persistence, success
154 people liked it

"Lady Astor to Winston Churchill—
"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."

His reply—
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: alcohol, classic-insult, drunk
179 people liked it

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: democracy, elite, elitism, elitist, meritocracy, peasant, voter, voting
100 people liked it

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. "
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: admiration, classic-insult, vice, virtue
90 people liked it

"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: human, humor, nature, politics
66 people liked it

"Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: aging, conserative, liberal, politics, wisdom
73 people liked it

"When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: humor
64 people liked it

"If you cannot read all your books...fondle them---peer into them, let them fall open where they will, read from the first sentence that arrests the eye, set them back on the shelves with your own hands, arrange them on your own plan so that you at least know where they are. Let them be your friends; let them, at any rate, be your acquaintances."
— Winston S. Churchill

72 people liked it

"Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: perseverance
46 people liked it

"Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: diplomat, politics
93 people liked it

"A joke is a very serious thing."
— Winston S. Churchill

27 people liked it

"We can always count on the Americans to do the right thing, after they have exhausted all the other possibilities."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: united-states
48 people liked it

"The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: fools, humility
33 people liked it

"Healthy citizens are the greatest asset any country can have."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: health, politics, wisdom
21 people liked it

"You will make all kinds of mistakes; but as long as you are generous and true and also fierce you cannot hurt the world or even seriously distress her. She was meant to be wooed and won by youth."
— Winston S. Churchill (My Early Life: 1874-1904)

13 people liked it

"In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: humility
13 people liked it

"This paper, by its very length, defends itself from ever being read."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: humor
9 people liked it

"Doubts [can] be swept away only by deeds."
— Winston S. Churchill (Their Finest Hour)

8 people liked it

"The most important thing about education is appetite."
— Winston S. Churchill

9 people liked it

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one."
— George Bernard Shaw, playwright (to Winston Churchill)
"Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one."
— Churchill's response"
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: classic-insult
11 people liked it

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: modisty
3 people liked it

"A small lie needs a bodyguard of bigger lies to protect it."
— Winston S. Churchill

9 people liked it

"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. "
— Winston S. Churchill

5 people liked it

"The maxim, "Nothing prevails but perfection," may be spelled PARALYSIS."
— Winston S. Churchill

tags: maxim, perfection
6 people liked it

"Show me a hero, and I'll write you a tragedy."
— F. Scott Fitzgerald

126 people liked it

"In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day."
— F. Scott Fitzgerald

tags: depressing
79 people liked it

"All good writing is like swimming underwater and holding your breath."
— F. Scott Fitzgerald

44 people liked it

"Whenever you feel like criticizing any one...just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had."
— F. Scott Fitzgerald

53 people liked it

"In his blue gardens men and girls came and went like moths among the whisperings and the champagne and the stars."
— F. Scott Fitzgerald (The Great Gatsby)

49 people liked it

"There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy and the tired."
— F. Scott Fitzgerald (The Great Gatsby)

41 people liked it

"Reserving judgements is a matter of infinite hope."
— F. Scott Fitzgerald (The Great Gatsby)

tags: fitzgerald
43 people liked it

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