Erin's quotes

(showing 1-50 of 85)

"Humanity is a parade of fools, and I am at the front of it, twirling a baton."
— Dean Koontz

45 people liked it

"A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice."
— Bill Cosby

tags: funny
171 people liked it

"He is the cheese to my macaroni."
— Diablo Cody (Juno: The Shooting Script)

tags: love
97 people liked it

"When life hands you lemons, you stuff them in your bra!"
— Maxine

tags: funny
36 people liked it

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
— Mark Twain

tags: humor, procrastination
5,786 people liked it

"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."
— Garrison Keillor

tags: humor, religion
4,126 people liked it

"Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car."
— G.K. Chesterton

tags: car, funny, humor, religious
1,212 people liked it

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."
— W.C. Fields

tags: humor, success
962 people liked it

"I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence."
— Edgar Allan Poe

tags: faith, fool, humor, self-confidence, self-irony
364 people liked it

"You always get weirdos like Edward who seem to attract women for some reason. If Edward wasn’t a fictional character and you met him in reality he is like one of those guys who would probably be an axe murderer or something."
— Stephenie Meyer (The Twilight Saga)

tags: twilight
5,704 people liked it

"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."
— Mother Teresa

tags: catholicism, christianity, god, inspirational, religion
1,957 people liked it

"Schizoid behavior is a pretty common thing in children. It's accepted, because all we adults have this unspoken agreement that children are lunatics."
— Stephen King

tags: children
48 people liked it

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
"
— Phyllis Diller

tags: children, housekeeping
34 people liked it

"Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up."
— Ray Romano

tags: children, humor, parenting
11 people liked it

"That which you manifest is before you."
— Garth Stein (The Art of Racing in the Rain)

10 people liked it

"There is no dishonor in losing the race. There is only dishonor in not racing because you are afraid to lose."
— Garth Stein (The Art of Racing in the Rain)

tags: honor, inspiration
30 people liked it

"Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge."
— Bill Cosby

43 people liked it

"Mothers are all slightly insane."
— J.D. Salinger (The Catcher in the Rye)

112 people liked it

"...when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose."
— J.D. Salinger (The Catcher in the Rye)

57 people liked it

"Then the clouds opened up and God said, 'I hate you, Alfalfa'"
— The little rascals Alfalfa

tags: humor
2 people liked it

"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful! "
— Mae West

tags: decadence, indulgence, over-indulgence
148 people liked it

"Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world."
— Marilyn Monroe

630 people liked it

"When all else fails, take a vacation."
— Betty Williams

tags: fails, vacation
2 people liked it

"Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage."
— Irma Bombeck

4 people liked it

"In this world, there is a fine line between enlightenment and brain damage."
— Neal Shusterman (Antsy Does Time)

4 people liked it

"It is a fact that people are always well aware of what is due them.
Unfortunately, they remain oblivious of what they owe to others.
"
— Francis de Sales

3 people liked it

"Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity."
— Erma Bombeck

tags: chores, housekeeping, humor
15 people liked it

"Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven."
— Erma Bombeck

tags: chores, cleanliness, housekeeping
18 people liked it

"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."
— Erma Bombeck

22 people liked it

"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one."
— Erma Bombeck

15 people liked it

"Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere"
— Erma Bombeck

17 people liked it

"There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it."
— Erma Bombeck

8 people liked it

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
— Erma Bombeck

7 people liked it

""Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

"
— Phyllis Diller

6 people liked it

"we spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up."
— Phyllis Diller

tags: humor
11 people liked it

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them."
— Phyllis Diller

12 people liked it

"Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take
the chance!

"
— Phyllis Diller

11 people liked it

"Whenever I'm tempted to clean house, I simply sweep the room with a glance."
— Phyllis Diller?

5 people liked it

"The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are. "
— Eleanor Roosevelt

32 people liked it

"I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on."
— Roseanne Barr

tags: chores, housekeeping, sears, vacuuming, vacuums
4 people liked it

"Choose love as your priority: Establish the rule at home that money is only secondary and that love reigns supreme. Don’t allow money to get in the way of your relationship. Rejoice over sufficient resources, while making the lack of it an occasion for deeper bonding.
"
— Good Housekeeping Institute

3 people liked it

"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature"
— Dave Barry

tags: humor
537 people liked it

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic."
— Dave Barry

tags: ark, noah, titanic
73 people liked it

"If you were to open up a baby's head -- and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should -- you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland."
— Dave Barry

tags: babies, drool, humor
16 people liked it

"You should not confuse your career with your life."
— Dave Barry

20 people liked it

"Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals."
— Dave Barry

tags: humor, spiders
13 people liked it

"normal person's weekly chore list:
1. clean kitchen.
2. clean bathroom.
3. clean entire rest of domicile.
cleaning impaired person's weekly chore list:
1. don't get peanut butter on sheets."
— Dave Barry

tags: chores, cleaning, humor, slobs
5 people liked it

"One of the advantages of being disorganized is that one is always having surprising discoveries."
— A.A. Milne

tags: discovery, eccentric, life
130 people liked it

"But if everything was always smooth and perfect, you'd get too used to that, you know? You have to have a little bit of disorganization now and then. Otherwise, you'll never really enjoy it when things go right."
— Sarah Dessen

tags: life
72 people liked it

"I'm not confused. I'm just well mixed.
"
— Robert Frost

tags: disorganized, living, style
40 people liked it

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