Brett's quotes

(showing 1-50 of 566)

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."
— Steven Wright

tags: amnesia, humor, memory
775 people liked it

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

tags: einstein, human, humor, infinity, nature, philosophy, science, stupidity, universe
12,502 people liked it

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
— Albert Einstein

tags: humor, insanity, life
9,906 people liked it

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough"
— Mae West

tags: humor, life
9,235 people liked it

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

tags: animals, books, dogs, friends, humor
6,839 people liked it

"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."
— Robert Maynard Hutchins

tags: exercise, humor, laziness
6,042 people liked it

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
— Mark Twain

tags: humor, procrastination
5,782 people liked it

"The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid."
— Jane Austen (Northanger Abbey)

tags: books, classic, humor
5,706 people liked it

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
— Douglas Adams

tags: deadlines, humor, work
5,497 people liked it

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
— Groucho Marx

tags: books, humor, reading, television
2,948 people liked it

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor, time
1,554 people liked it

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."
— Groucho Marx

tags: books, humor, reading
782 people liked it

"Humor is reason gone mad."
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor, reason
689 people liked it

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor, life
476 people liked it

"I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER"."
— Groucho Marx (Groucho and Me)

tags: clique, clubs, humor, membership
447 people liked it

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
— Groucho Marx

tags: classic-insult
393 people liked it

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'."
— Groucho Marx

tags: friends, humor, jail
790 people liked it

"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know. "
— Groucho Marx

tags: art, humor
279 people liked it

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others."
— Groucho Marx

267 people liked it

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
— Groucho Marx

357 people liked it

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, How he got in my pajamas I'll never know."
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor
229 people liked it

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
— Groucho Marx

204 people liked it

"I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that."
— Groucho Marx

tags: absurd
145 people liked it

"Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it."
— Groucho Marx

164 people liked it

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
— Groucho Marx

108 people liked it

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."
— Groucho Marx

103 people liked it

"Room service? Send up a larger room."
— Groucho Marx

90 people liked it

"I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal."
— Groucho Marx

136 people liked it

"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. "
— Groucho Marx

106 people liked it

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
— Groucho Marx

79 people liked it

"Whatever it is, I'm against it."
— Groucho Marx

90 people liked it

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
— Groucho Marx

81 people liked it

"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while"
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor
80 people liked it

"Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
— Groucho Marx

tags: absurd
74 people liked it

"I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks."
— Groucho Marx

63 people liked it

"Was that you or the duck?"
— Groucho Marx

38 people liked it

"we'll meet at the theater tonight. i'll hold your seat 'til you get there; once you get there ... you're on your own."
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor
51 people liked it

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor, marriage
62 people liked it

"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor
36 people liked it

"Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere."
— Groucho Marx

tags: marriage, romance, sex
71 people liked it

"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
— Groucho Marx

39 people liked it

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself."
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor, wisdom
137 people liked it

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

60 people liked it

"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun. "
— Groucho Marx

tags: dogs, humor
55 people liked it

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
— Groucho Marx

67 people liked it

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
— Groucho Marx

63 people liked it

"time wounds all heels"
— Groucho Marx

44 people liked it

"The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths."
— Groucho Marx

23 people liked it

"If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong."
— Groucho Marx

91 people liked it

"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. "
— Groucho Marx

21 people liked it

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