Master J's quotes

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"Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them."
— Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid)

tags: books, reading
2,106 people liked it

"People aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict."
— Lemony Snicket (The Grim Grotto)

tags: life
910 people liked it

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like."
— Lemony Snicket

tags: fate, humor
1,056 people liked it

"Wicked people never have time for reading. It's one of the reasons for their wickedness."
— Lemony Snicket

tags: humor, reading, wicked
785 people liked it

"If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats."
— Lemony Snicket (The Wide Window)

tags: allergies, cats, humor
489 people liked it

"A good library will never be too neat or too dusty, because somebody will always be in it, taking books off the shelves and staying up late reading them."
— Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid)

tags: libraries, reading
448 people liked it

"Taking one’s chances is like taking a bath, because sometimes you end up feeling comfortable and warm, and sometimes there is something terrible lurking around that you cannot see until it is too late and you can do nothing else but scream and cling to a plastic duck."
— Lemony Snicket

373 people liked it

"No matter who you are, no matter where you live, and no matter how many people are chasing you, what you don't read is often as important as what you do read."
— Lemony Snicket

tags: reading
336 people liked it

"Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another."
— Lemony Snicket

tags: humor, reading
816 people liked it

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."
— Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid)

tags: death
496 people liked it

"Well-read people are less likely to be criminals."
— Lemony Snicket

tags: humor, reading
343 people liked it

"It is always cruel to laugh at people, of course, although sometimes if they are wearing an ugly hat it is hard to control yourself."
— Lemony Snicket

tags: hats, humor
396 people liked it

"If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf."
— Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid)

tags: humor, talking, writers
382 people liked it

"It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting."
— Lemony Snicket (The Grim Grotto)

358 people liked it

"I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies."
— Lemony Snicket (The Penultimate Peril)

tags: humor
424 people liked it

"All the secrets of the world are contained in books. Read at your own risk."
— Lemony Snicket

tags: reading, secrets
348 people liked it

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss

tags: be-yourself, confidence, individuality, those-who-matter
18,256 people liked it

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."
— Abraham Lincoln

tags: wisdom
9,287 people liked it

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
— Oscar Wilde

tags: intelligence, self-deprecation
7,587 people liked it

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

tags: animals, books, dogs, friends, humor
6,665 people liked it

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
— Groucho Marx

tags: books, humor, reading, television
2,865 people liked it

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor, marriage
63 people liked it

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself."
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor, wisdom
130 people liked it

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

tags: einstein, human, humor, infinity, nature, philosophy, science, stupidity, universe
12,075 people liked it

"Humor is reason gone mad."
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor, reason
671 people liked it

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."
— Groucho Marx

tags: books, humor, reading
759 people liked it

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
— Groucho Marx

tags: humor, life
466 people liked it

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
— Groucho Marx

tags: classic-insult
381 people liked it

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others."
— Groucho Marx

262 people liked it

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
— Groucho Marx

347 people liked it

"I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that."
— Groucho Marx

tags: absurd
143 people liked it

"Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it."
— Groucho Marx

163 people liked it

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
— Groucho Marx

104 people liked it

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."
— Groucho Marx

99 people liked it

"I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal."
— Groucho Marx

134 people liked it

"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. "
— Groucho Marx

104 people liked it

"Whatever it is, I'm against it."
— Groucho Marx

88 people liked it

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
— Groucho Marx

80 people liked it

"The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar."
— Groucho Marx

67 people liked it

"Was that you or the duck?"
— Groucho Marx

39 people liked it

"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. "
— Groucho Marx

21 people liked it

"time wounds all heels"
— Groucho Marx

43 people liked it

"If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong."
— Groucho Marx

84 people liked it

"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again"
— Groucho Marx

35 people liked it

"No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend."
— Groucho Marx

23 people liked it

"if you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later. "
— Lewis Carroll

93 people liked it

"Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle."
— Lewis Carroll

101 people liked it

"Curiouser and curiouser."
— Lewis Carroll (Alice's Adventures in Wonderland / Through the Looking-Glass)

83 people liked it

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?
— The Mad Hatter"
— Lewis Carroll (Alice's Adventures in Wonderland / Through the Looking-Glass)

tags: alice-in-wonderland, mad-hatter, nonsense
160 people liked it

"'and what is the use of a book,' thought Alice, 'without pictures or conversation?'"
— Lewis Carroll (Alice in Wonderland)

tags: books
36 people liked it

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