"People, generally, suck."
— Christopher Moore

"Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates."
— Christopher Moore (A Dirty Job)

"There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"Blessed are the dumbfucks."
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"Actually, orcas aren't quite as complex as scientists imagine. Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"You're trying to be tricky. What's morality?"

"It's the difference between what's right and what you can rationalize.

"Must be a human thing."

"Exactly."
— Christopher Moore

"I can be most colorful and inventive when I am angry."
— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)

"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."
— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)

"She's so small, yet she contains so much evil."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores."
— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)

"Let me say right here, if I haven't made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so don't be surprised if you someday find me wandering the moors at midnight, a crazed look in my eye, babbling about albino Tater Tots nesting in Brillo pads and being pursued by sagging man ass, because that shit can happen when you've been traumatized."
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"Love: the sickest of Irony’s sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die."
— Christopher Moore (Coyote Blue)

"Science you don't know looks like magic."
— Christopher Moore

"I know that even now, having watched enough television, you probably won't even refer to them as lepers so as to spare their feelings. You probably call them 'parts-dropping-off challenged' or something."
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"Why is it one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere, but one must busta cap in someone's ass?"
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"The problem with being nuts, she thought, is that you don't always feel as if you're nuts. Sometimes, in fact, you feel perfectly sane, and there just happens to be a trailer-shaped dragon crouching in the lot next door."
— Christopher Moore

"No one knows why, but second only to eating the brains of the living, the dead love affordable prefab furniture."
— Christopher Moore (The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror, Version 2.0)

""Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him....""
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"you bitch you killed me you suck"
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

""Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again." "
— Christopher Moore (A Dirty Job)

" Christmas Amnesty. You can fall out of contact with a friend, fail to return calls, ignore e-mails, avoid eye contact at the Thrifty-Mart, forget birthdays, anniversaries, and reunions, and if you show up at their house during the holidays (with a gift) they are socially bound to forgive you—act like nothing happened. Decorum dictates that the friendship move forward from that point, without guilt or recrimination. If you started a chess game ten years ago in October, you need only remember whose move it is—or why you sold the chessboard and bought an Xbox in the interim. (Look, Christmas Amnesty is a wonderful thing, but it’s not a dimensional shift. The laws of time and space continue to apply, even if you have been avoiding your friends. But don’t try using the expansion of the universe an as excuse—like you kept meaning to stop by, but their house kept getting farther away. That crap won’t wash. Just say, “Sorry I haven’t called. Merry Christmas” Then show the present. Christmas Amnesty protocol dictates that your friend say, “That’s okay,” and let you in without further comment. This is the way it has always been done.)"
— Christopher Moore (The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror, Version 2.0)

"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."
— Chuck Palahniuk

"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will."
— Chuck Palahniuk

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

"Parents are like God because you wanna know they're out there, and you want them to think well of you, but you really only call when you need something."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

"The only difference between martyrdom and suicide is press coverage."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Survivor: A Novel)

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."
— Chuck Palahniuk

"You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club: A Novel)

"If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes."
— Chuck Palahniuk

"No matter how much you think you love somebody, you'll step back when the pool of their blood edges up too close."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

"When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

"What we don't understand we can make mean anything."
— Chuck Palahniuk

"Reality means you live until you die...the real truth is nobody wants reality."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Survivor)

"Have your adventures, make your mistakes, and choose your friends poorly -- all these make for great stories."
— Chuck Palahniuk

"Until you find something to fight for, you settle for something to fight against."
— Chuck Palahniuk

"The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

"A journey to nowhere starts with a single step, too."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Survivor)

"We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club)

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
— Albert Einstein

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
— Douglas Adams

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

"The Guide says that there is an art to flying,” said Ford, “or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
— Douglas Adams

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer"
— Douglas Adams

"Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a blank piece of paper until your forehead bleeds."
— Douglas Adams

"A learning experience is one of those things that says, "You know that thing you just did? Don't do that.""
— Douglas Adams (The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time)

"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong, it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."
— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."
— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)