"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

"Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos."
— Charles M. Schulz

"Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry."
— Terry Pratchett (Thief of Time)

"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success."
— Robert Orben

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

"Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."
— J.M. Barrie (Peter Pan)

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
— Groucho Marx

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

"The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be."
— Douglas Adams

"Be slow to fall into friendship, but when you are in, continue firm and constant."
— Socrates

"Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car."
— G.K. Chesterton

"Cutting people out of your life is easy, keeping them in is hard."
— Walter Dean Myers (Slam!)

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."
— W.C. Fields

"Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget."
— Anonymous

"THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. We are here to help you.
2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.
3. The dress code will be enforced.
4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.
5. Our football team will win the championship this year.
6. We expect more of you here.
7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.
8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.
9. Your locker combination is private.
10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.

TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.
2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.
3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.
4. The new text books will arrive any day now.
5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.
6. We are enforcing the dress code.
7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.
8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.
9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.
10. We want to hear what you have to say."
— Laurie Halse Anderson (Speak)

"No friendship is an accident. "
— O. Henry (Heart of the West)

"Miracles are like meatballs, because nobody can exactly agree on what they are made of, where they come from, or how often they should appear."
— Lemony Snicket (The Carnivorous Carnival)

"Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years."
— Richard Bach

"Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake."
— Jon Stewart

"It is said that the darkest hour of the night comes just before the dawn."
— Paulo Coelho

"In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded."
— Terry Pratchett (Lords and Ladies)

"Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back to where I came from because I didn't have the courage to say "yes" to life?"
— Paulo Coelho (Eleven Minutes: A Novel)

"I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it."
— Charles M. Schulz

"One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving."
— Paulo Coelho

"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door."
— Jerry Seinfeld

"It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting."
— Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

"Dance Like No One is Watching...
Love Like You Have Never Been Hurt Before...
Go to Work Like You Don't Need The Money."
— Kurt Vonnegut

"If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it."
— Stephen Colbert

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
— Henry David Thoreau

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
— Jon Stewart

"Reality continues to ruin my life."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce."
— Mark Twain

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
— John Lennon

"Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?'"
— Bill Watterson

"Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished."
— Laozi (Tao Te Ching)

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough"
— Mae West

"Brain : I shall pollute the water supply with this DNAdefibuliser, turning everyone into mindless slaves.
Pinky : What about the people who drink bottled water?
Brain : Pinky, people who pay 5 dollars for a bottle of water are already mindless slaves.
"
— (From Cartoon Pinky and the Brain)

"You can have it all. Just not all at once."
— Oprah Winfrey

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."
— Andy Warhol (The Philosophy of Andy Warhol :)

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
— Albert Einstein

"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. "
— Bill Watterson

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."
— Robert Frost

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
— Douglas Adams

"Would I rather be feared or loved? Uhm, easy: Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."
— Michael Scott

"It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not."
— André Gide

"Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea."
— George Carlin

"I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university."
— Albert Einstein

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm."
— George Carlin

"Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
"
— Michael Scott