Robert's quotes

(showing 1-50 of 50)

"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
— Quentin Crisp

tags: atheism, idiocy
27 people liked it

"Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are."
— Quentin Crisp

tags: fashion, lgbt
11 people liked it

"If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style."
— Quentin Crisp

9 people liked it

"If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all."
— Oscar Wilde

tags: books, reading
2,314 people liked it

"You can never be overdressed or overeducated."
— Oscar Wilde

tags: education, fashion
1,340 people liked it

"The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame."
— Oscar Wilde

tags: books, morality, reading
969 people liked it

"I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."
— Oscar Wilde

tags: creation, god, humor, man
804 people liked it

"Las Vegas:
It was not cafe society, it was Nescafe society."
— Noel Coward

tags: las, quotes, vegas
2 people liked it

"Thousands of people have talent. I might as well congratulate you for having eyes in your head. The one and only thing that counts is: Do you have staying power?"
— Noel Coward

2 people liked it

"The higher the buildings, the lower the morals."
— Noel Coward

tags: architecture, buildings, cities, morality, skyscrapers
7 people liked it

"It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year."
— Tom Lehrer

3 people liked it

"Apart from that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? "
— Tom Lehrer

5 people liked it

"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."
— Woody Allen

tags: humor, life, sex
1,073 people liked it

"I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland."
— Woody Allen

tags: absurd, humor, music
249 people liked it

"Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right."
— Woody Allen

tags: sex
188 people liked it

"If I had a large amount of money I should certainly found a hospital for those whose grip upon the world is so tenuous that they can be severely offended by words and phrases and yet remain all unoffended by the injustice, violence and oppression that howls daily about our ears."
— Stephen Fry (Paperweight)

36 people liked it

"My first words, as I was being born... I looked up at my mother and said, "that's the last time I'm going up one of those."
— Stephen Fry

tags: humor
15 people liked it

"The alarm in the morning? Well, I have an old tape of Carlo Maria Giulini conducting the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra in a perfectly transcendent version in Shubert's seventh symphony. And I've rigged it up so that at exactly 7:30 every morning it falls from the ceiling onto my face."
— Stephen Fry

tags: humor, mornings
8 people liked it

"No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time."
— Stephen Fry (Moab Is My Washpot)

tags: adolescence, humor
13 people liked it

"'Please remove your watch,' he said. 'In my domain time isn't a factor.'"
— Hanif Kureishi (The Buddha of Suburbia)

2 people liked it

"Why do people who are good at families have to be smug and assume it is the only way to live. … Why can’t they be blamed for being bad at promiscuity?"
— Hanif Kureishi

4 people liked it

"I think Amy Winehouse's decision not to go to rehab was a bad one. In fact, i think it was the worst idea since Dodi Al Fayed said to Princess Diana "Ooh, look! A tunnel! Whack that seat belt off and let's have a fuck.""
— Robert Clark

tags: epigrams, humour
2 people liked it

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

tags: einstein, human, humor, infinity, nature, philosophy, science, stupidity, universe
12,133 people liked it

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
— Eleanor Roosevelt

tags: confidence, inspirational, wisdom
10,495 people liked it

"People tell me I shouldn't smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same argument when people tell me they go to the gym."
— Robert Clark

tags: epigrams, humour, smoking
5 people liked it

"I will now sing another song for your pleasure. Now, if you like Phil Collins...you should be shot in the head."
— Robert Clark

tags: collins, epigrams, humour, phil
3 people liked it

"I have always been homosexual and it surprises me that more people are not; women's pink bits are moist and forbidding and I enjoy those qualities much more in a Victoria sponge."
— Robert Clark

tags: homosexuality, humour, women
1 person liked it

"When asked why I don't believe in God I reply, quite simply, "vaginas"."
— Robert Clark

tags: homosexuality, humour, religion, women
2 people liked it

"My daughter told me she wasn't afraid of spider but that she was afraid of my smoking. She said that she was afraid of my dying. So i went downstairs, picked up a pair of pliers and a blowtorch and showed her what real fear was."
— Robert Clark

tags: black, humour, smoking
5 people liked it

"Yes, you may ask my name but only if you can tell me: are your thighs as fine as a fresh, crisp morning in early July?"
— Robert Clark

tags: humour, sex
1 person liked it

"Always buy pornographic books in hardback because they're easier to hold with one hand."
— Robert Clark

tags: books, humour, masturbation
3 people liked it

"Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?"
— Robert Clark

tags: homelessness, humour, masturbation
2 people liked it

"I am with the Hot Sexy Banking Corporation. As all the other banks are going bust, they are just getting bustier."
— Robert Clark

tags: banking, banks, humour
1 person liked it

"Sometimes I wish I was a woman, just so I could have an abortion.
John Waters"
— John Waters

4 people liked it

"Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!"
— Dylan Moran

7 people liked it

"Delia Smith needs to realise that when Nigella flirts with the camera she comes across as a slut. When Delia does it she comes across as an old slut."
— Robert Clark

tags: delia, humour, lawson, nigella, smith
3 people liked it

"I would say happy new year but it's not happy; it's exactly the same as last year except colder. "
— Robert Clark

tags: humour, new, year
3 people liked it

"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"
— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

tags: humor, philosophy
849 people liked it

"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are therir own"
— Aristotle

12 people liked it

"I am completely opposed to the British National Party; I couldn't possibly support people who find fluorescent yellow flyers appealing."
— Robert Clark

tags: bnp, politics
1 person liked it

"They say that "guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people."
— Eddie Izzard

tags: humor
136 people liked it

"Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon."
— Eddie Izzard

18 people liked it

"So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a
relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!"
— Eddie Izzard

tags: anerica, bill-clinton, clinton, lying, native-americans, president, president-clinton
17 people liked it

""This is not a game of Who The Fuck Are You.""
— Eddie Izzard

14 people liked it

""Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I FANCY YOU!""
— Eddie Izzard (Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill)

8 people liked it

"What is freedom of expression? Without the freedom to offend, it ceases to exist."
— Salman Rushdie

tags: censorship, free, speech
83 people liked it

"A poet's work . . . to name the unnamable, to point at frauds, to take sides, start arguments, shape the world and stop it from going to sleep."
— Salman Rushdie

tags: poetry, poets
61 people liked it

"When a reader falls in love with a book, it leaves its essence inside him, like radioactive fallout in an arable field, and after that there are certain crops that will no longer grow in him, while other, stranger, more fantastic growths may occasionally be produced. "
— Salman Rushdie

42 people liked it

"There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse."
— Quentin Crisp

tags: housework, humour
2 people liked it

"How can one not be fond of something that the "Daily Mail" despises?"
— Stephen Fry

5 people liked it

Robert's profile »

all quotes
add a quote

tags from Robert's quotes

Creation
Delia Smith
God
Man
Nigella lawson
Phil Collins
Politics
anerica
architecture
banking
banks
bill-clinton
books
buildings
clinton
confidence
education
epigrams
free speech
homelessness
homosexuality
housework
human nature
humor
humour
idiocy
infinity
lgbt
life
lying
masturbation
morality
music
native-americans
philosophy
poetry
president
president-clinton
reading
religion
science
sex
skyscrapers
smoking
stupidity
universe
wisdom
women
Absurd
BNP
Black humour
Einstein
Humour
New year
atheism
books
censorship
cities
fashion
humor
humor adolescence
humor mornings
humour
inspirational
las vegas
poets
quotes
sex