"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
— Woody Allen

"Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe."
— Karl Pilkington

"It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey"
— Karl Pilkington (The Ricky Gervais Show - First, Second and Third Seasons)

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
— Oscar Wilde

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."
— Oscar Wilde

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
— Oscar Wilde

"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken."
— Oscar Wilde

"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."
— Robert Maynard Hutchins

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."
— Mark Twain

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
— Mark Twain

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough"
— Mae West

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss

"Be the change that you wish to see in the world."
— Mahatma Gandhi

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
— Mark Twain

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
— Douglas Adams

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
— Anaïs Nin

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
— Albert Einstein

"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."
— Confucius

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
— Mother Teresa

"I am not young enough to know everything."
— Oscar Wilde

"Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car."
— G.K. Chesterton

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off."
— Stephen King (Storm of the Century: An Original Screenplay)

"The major problem- one of the major problems, for there are several- one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of whom manages to get people to let them do it to them.
To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.
To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."
— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
— Douglas Adams

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer"
— Douglas Adams

"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong, it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."
— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."
— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

"Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space."
— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up."
— Pablo Picasso

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
— Mahatma Gandhi

"My first words, as I was being born... I looked up at my mother and said, "that's the last time I'm going up one of those."
— Stephen Fry

"If I had a large amount of money I should certainly found a hospital for those whose grip upon the world is so tenuous that they can be severely offended by words and phrases and yet remain all unoffended by the injustice, violence and oppression that howls daily about our ears."
— Stephen Fry (Paperweight)

"An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them."
— Stephen Fry

"It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue."
— Stephen Fry

"I think it was Donald Mainstock, the great amateur
squash player who pointed out how lovely I was. Until
that time I think it was safe to say that I had never
really been aware of my own timeless brand of
loveliness. But his words smote me, because of course
you see, I am lovely in a fluffy moist kind of way and
who would have it otherwise?
I walk, and let’s be splendid about this, in a highly
accented cloud of gorgeousness that isn’t far short of
being, quite simply terrific.
The secret of smooth almost shiny loveliness, of the
order of which we are discussing, in this simple,
frank, creamy sort of way, doesn’t reside in oils,
unguents, balms, ointments, creams, astringents,
milks, moisturisers, liniments, lubricants,
embrocations or balsams, to be rather divine for just
one noble moment, it resides, and I mean this in a
pink slightly special way, in ones attitude of mind.
To be gorgeous, and high and true and fine and fluffy
and moist and sticky and lovely, all you have to do is
believe that one is gorgeous and high and true and
fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely.
And I believe it of myself, tremulously at first and
then with rousing heat and passion, because, stopping
off for a second to be super again, I’m so often told
it.
That’s the secret really."
— Stephen Fry - A Bit of Fry and Laurie

"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness.
We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Diary)

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

"No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention.
Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day.
This is all practice."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."
— Chuck Palahniuk

"If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?"
— Chuck Palahniuk

"We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club)

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
— Woody Allen

"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."
— Woody Allen (Annie Hall)

"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
— Woody Allen

"Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with."
— Woody Allen

"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."
— Woody Allen