"Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head."
Eddie DeChooch"
— Janet Evanovich (Seven Up)

"How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face. You kick them in the body where it doesn't show."
— Janet Evanovich (High Five)

"Maybe next time we just open the door and start out with some bitch slapping."
— Janet Evanovich (Three To Get Deadly)

""I was watching television and I saw how you stick your fingers in a person's eyes to slow them down."
Grandma Mazur"
— Janet Evanovich (Two for the Dough)

""I met a real looker. He picked me up at the two dollar slot machines, so you know he's no cheapskate."
Grandma Mazur"
— Janet Evanovich (Four to Score)

"He [Ranger] stopped in front of my parents' house, and we both looked to the door. My mother and my grandmother were standing there, watching us.
"I'm not sure I feel comfortable about the way your grandma looks at me," Ranger said.
[Stephanie] "She wants to see you naked."
"I wish you hadn't told me that, babe."
"Everyone I know wants to see you naked."
"And you?"
"Never crossed my mind." I held my breath when I said it, and I hoped God wouldn't stike me down dead for lying."
— Janet Evanovich (Hard Eight)

""I don't need handcuffs to enslave a woman." -Ranger to Stephanie"
— Janet Evanovich (Hard Eight)

""She'll be back," Ranger said. "But not tonight."
[Stephanie] "How'd you get her to leave?"
"Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well go home."
I could feel the heat rush to my face.
Ranger gave me the wolf smile. "I lied about it being tonight," he said."
— Janet Evanovich (Four to Score)

""If she wasn't your grandmother I'd shoot her."
Ranger"
— Janet Evanovich (Hot Six)

""Ranger is an unusual name," she managed. "Is it a nickname?"
"It's a street name," Ranger said. "I was a Ranger in the army."
"I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant."
My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out.
My mother froze, her fork poised in midair.
"That's sort of a joke," I told Grandma. "Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life."
I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile."
— Janet Evanovich (Three To Get Deadly)

""I shot that sucker right in the gumpy."
Grandma Mazur"
— Janet Evanovich (One for the Money)

""You're going to find this hard to believe, but cops aren't required to carry emergency condoms."
Joe Morelli"
— Janet Evanovich (Four to Score)

""I don't have a lot of domestic instincts," Ranger said to me, his attention fixed on the unidentifiable glob of goo in my hair, "but I have a real stroung urge to take you home and hose you down."
Ranger - Eleven on Top"
— Janet Evanovich (Eleven on Top)

""One of us should stop her," Ranger said to Morelli, his eyes fixed on me.
"Not going to be me," Morelli said. "Have you ever tried to stop her from doing something she wanted to do?"
"Haven't had much success at it," Ranger said.
Morelli rocked on his heels. "One thing I've learned about Stephanie over the years, she's not good at taking orders."
"Has authority issues," Ranger said.
"And if you piss her off, she'll get even. She ran me over with her father's Buick once and broke my leg."
That got a small smile out of Ranger.
"Nice to see you boys bounding," I said."
— Janet Evanovich (Twelve Sharp)

""There's me and then there's you, and you aren't ever going to be as good as me, Sweet Thing."
Ranger"
— Janet Evanovich (One for the Money)

"Fall down again, Bella?'
'No, Emmett, I punched a werewolf in the face.'"
— Stephenie Meyer (Eclipse)

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
— Robert A. Heinlein

"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."
— Garrison Keillor

"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."
— Robert Maynard Hutchins

"The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid."
— Jane Austen (Northanger Abbey)

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
— Mark Twain

"Edward - I wasn't about to send you off alone. With your luck, not even the black box would survive.
Bella - So let's say my bad luck did crash the plane. What exactly were you going to do about it?
Edward - Why is the plane crashing?
He was trying to hide a smile now.
Bella - The pilots are passed out drunk.
Edward - Easy. I'd fly the plane.
Of course. I pursed my lips and tried again.
Bella - Both engines have exploded and we're falling in a death spiral toward the earth.
Edward - I'd wait till we were close enough to the ground, get a good grip on you, kick out the wall, and jump. Then I'd run you back to the scene of the accident, and we'd stumble around like the two luckiest survivors in history.
I stared at him wordlessly.
"What?" he whispered."
— Stephenie Meyer (Eclipse)

"I'M SCARED I'LL SHOOT MY NEIGHBOR BY ACCIDENT IF I SEE HIM TROTTING DOWN THE ROAD, SAID A FARMER IN KANSAS, WHAT IF HE GETS AFTER MY CHICKENS?"
— Charlaine Harris (Dead and Gone)

"I dipped into his brain. He wasn't happy that I wasn't wearing a bra, because my boobs distracted him. He was thinking I was a bit too curvy for his taste. He was thinking he'd better not think about me that way anymore. He was missing his wife."
— Charlaine Harris (Dead and Gone)

"If aught must be lost, ‘twill be my honor for yours. If one must be forsaken, ‘twill be my soul for yours. Should death come anon, ‘twill be my life for yours. I am Given."
— Karen Marie Moning

"She understood now why her friend Elizabeth, with her near-genius, analytical mind gave wide berth to murder mysteries, psychological thrillers, and horror stories, and read only romance novels. Because, by God, when a woman picked up one of those steamy books, she had a firm guarantee that there would be a Happily-Ever-After. That though the world outside those covers could bring such sorrow and disappointment and loneliness, between those covers, the world was a splendid place to be."
— Karen Marie Moning (Darkfever)

"Reluctantly, I pulled out my necklace and showed it to them.
Samuel frowned. The little figure was stylized; I suppose he couldn't tell what it was at first.
"A dog?" asked Zee, staring at my necklace.
"A lamb," I said defensively, tucking it safely back under my shirt. "Because one of Christ's names is "The Lamb of God.""
Samuel's shoulders shook slightly. "I can see it now, Mercy holding a roomful of vampire at bay with her glowing sheep."
I gave his shoulder a hard push, aware of the heat climbing to my cheeks, but it didn't help. He sang in a soft taunting voice, "Mercy had a little lamb...""
— Patricia Briggs (Moon Called)

"Never trust a mechanic who drives new cars. They're either charging too much money for their work, or they can't keep an old car running - maybe both."
— Patricia Briggs (Blood Bound)