"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."
— Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice)

""Do not commit the crime for which you now serve the sentence." (Abbe Faria to Edmond Dantes in prison)"
— The Count of Monte Cristo

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...," He murmured.
"What a stupid lamb, " I sighed.
"What a sick, masochistic lion."
— Stephenie Meyer

"Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men, doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie."
— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Lord of the Rings)

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth."
— Mark Twain

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
— Eleanor Roosevelt

"Inconceivable!"
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

"Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car."
— G.K. Chesterton

"So many books, so little time."
— Frank Zappa

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

"I love mankind, it's people I can't stand."
— Charles M. Schulz

"I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal."
— Jane Austen

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."
— Charles M. Schulz

"Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?"
— Henry Ward Beecher

"Humor is reason gone mad."
— Groucho Marx

"A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar."
— Carolyn G. Heilbrun

"I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train."
— Oscar Wilde (The Importance of Being Earnest)

"THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. We are here to help you.
2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.
3. The dress code will be enforced.
4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.
5. Our football team will win the championship this year.
6. We expect more of you here.
7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.
8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.
9. Your locker combination is private.
10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.

TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.
2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.
3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.
4. The new text books will arrive any day now.
5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.
6. We are enforcing the dress code.
7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.
8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.
9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.
10. We want to hear what you have to say."
— Laurie Halse Anderson (Speak)

"When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...
...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle."
— Dr. Seuss (Fox in Socks)

"Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident."
— Mark Twain

"Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money."
— George Carlin

"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."
— Oscar Wilde (The Importance of Being Earnest)

"...Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention."
— Christopher Paolini (Eragon)

"Well-read people are less likely to be criminals."
— Lemony Snicket

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."
— Dorothy Parker

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'."
— Groucho Marx

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
— George Burns

"If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it."
— Stephen Colbert

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce."
— Mark Twain

"In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock."
— Orson Welles

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
— Lily Tomlin

"Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?
— Riley Poole"
— Ann Lloyd (National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets: The Junior Novel)

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
— Mel Brooks

"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
— David Mamet (Boston Marriage)

"Don't ever let anyone tell you that high school is supposed to be fun. High school is to be endured. College is fun."
— Stephenie Meyer

"A wise man once said: Ask a woman."
— Random

"My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it'll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It's like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads."
— A.J. Jacobs (The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible As Literally As Possible)

"I know that David Tennant's Hamlet isn't till July. And lots of people are going to be doing Dr Who in Hamlet jokes, so this is just me getting it out of the way early, to avoid the rush...
"To be, or not to be, that is the question. Weeelll.... More of A question really. Not THE question. Because, well, I mean, there are billions and billions of questions out there, and well, when I say billions, I mean, when you add in the answers, not just the questions, weeelll, you're looking at numbers that are positively astronomical and... for that matter the other question is what you lot are doing on this planet in the first place, and er, did anyone try just pushing this little red button?"
— Neil Gaiman

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"Inigo Montoya: That Vizzini, he can *fuss*.
Fezzik: Fuss, fuss... I think he like to scream at *us*.
Inigo Montoya: Probably he means no *harm*.
Fezzik: He's really very short on *charm*.
Inigo Montoya: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini: Enough of that.
Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead.
Vizzini: No more rhyming now, I mean it.
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: DYEEAAHHHHHH."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

"Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli"
— Richard Paul Evans (The Sunflower: A Novel)

"It's just a flesh wound."
— The Black Knight

"The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid."
— Jane Austen (Northanger Abbey)

"If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all."
— Oscar Wilde

"Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't."
— Mark Twain

"If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need."
— Marcus Tullius Cicero

"The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame."
— Oscar Wilde

"A house without books is like a room without windows."
— Horace Mann

"We don't need a list of rights and wrongs, tables of do's and don'ts: we need books, time, and silence. Thou shalt not is soon forgotten, but Once upon a time lasts forever."
— Philip Pullman